Letter to Parents — Sky100 School Trip (Three-Purpose Framing)
Question prompt — Q1 (Part A, compulsory)
You are Chris Wong, the class teacher of 6A. You will be taking your class on a school trip next month to sky100, shown in the poster below. Write a letter to parents giving them the necessary information about the trip. You may use the mindmap to help you write your letter. (~200 words)
Poster details: Sky100 Hong Kong Observation Deck · 100/F ICC · 1 Austin Road West Kowloon · Entrance fee: $150 · Opening hours: 10am–9pm · tagline: “Highest indoor observation deck in the city!”
Mindmap (suggested topics): Transportation · Cost · Purpose of trip · Lunch · ? (one blank for the candidate to fill).
Mindmap (suggested topics): Transportation · Cost · Purpose of trip · Lunch · ? (one blank for the candidate to fill).
Show original handwritten pages (3)
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear or word almost certainly slipped |
margin numbers every 5 lines match the booklet’s printed margin
Booklet p.3 (lines 1–23)
1Dear Parents,
2I am writing to inform you that this year’s school trip will take
3place at Sky100 next month. Sky100 is the highest indoor observation
4deck in the city and is situated in at the ICC in West Kowloon. It is
5hoped that through this school trip, our students can learn to appreciate
6the beauty of Hong Kong, enhancing their commitment to their home
7city.
8
9First and foremost, the major purpose of the trip is to provide
10students with an opportunity to experience the joy of outdoor
11learning. There is always a a common saying that ‘experience is better than
12reading tons of books’. It is hoped that students can explore
13the renowned view of the Hong Kong harbour authentically,
14instead of being bookworms all the day all day and being cooped up in
15the narrow syllabus included in the books. Through visiting the
16highest observation deck in the city, students can explore the beauty
17of Hong Kong in a more comprehensive way.
18
19Moreover, another purpose is to relieve the tremendous
20academic stress suffered by students. Under today’s spoon-fed
21education system and exam-oriented culture, the schedules of many
22students are often packed with tons of tutorial classes and
23extra-curricular activities. This, coupled with the long school hours,
Booklet p.4 (lines 24–43)
24has made many pupils feel stressed out due to the deprivation of
25their free time to rest. Therefore, it is sincerely hoped that this
26outdoor activity can lend a helping hand to young adults to
27relieve their stress from the heavy workload, honing improving their mental
28health so that they will not yield to depression thanks to under the
29accumulated burden from academic results.
30
31The last, yet the most important purpose, is to leave
32remarkable memories among students. Our children are going to
33graduate soon. After entering the university, they may not have
34a lot of chances to gather with their secondary school classmates so
35often. This school trip is likely to be their very last memory with their
36friends before facing the stressful public examination. Therefore, we would
37like to create an unforgettable memory for students through this
38visit to Sky100.
39
40Concerning the transportation of this event, the school has
41hired coaches to deliver take us from school to the destination. The
42cost of this activity will be $200, including both the entrance fee and
43the coach fee. More to say In addition, our school has arranged students to dine
Booklet p.5 (lines 44–63, supplementary sheet)
44at the Sky100 restaurant after visit the visit to taste all kinds of famous
45gourmet food in Hong Kong, including the well-reputated the well-reputed dim sum.
46This special lunch, hopefully, can allow students to explore and
47appreciate our city in a more comprehensive way. However, if
48your children child suffers from any food allergy, please inform me as
49soon as possible.
50
51To ensure everyone’s safety, there will be a briefing section session
52beforehand. Several teachers and volunteers will follow accompany our students so
53as to protect their safety. Moreover, subsidies will be provided for the
54applicants of our school’s financial aid scheme. Therefore, it is
55sincerely hoped that everyone can join this meaningful activity
56to cherish the remaining time spent with their classmates before
57graduation, along with widening their horizons through this event.
58If there is any enquiry, feel free to contact me via school email.
59
60Best regards,
61[signature: Chris Wong]
62Chris Wong
63Class Teacher of 6A
Marks earned: 19 + 16 = 35 / 42 (5*). M1 = ^19, M2 = ^16; both adjusted. The Part B Q5 in the same booklet earned 21 + 19 = 40/42 (5**), so the candidate’s overall English grade is 5** with this Part A as the weaker half.
Word count. Approximately 490 words against the ~200-word brief — about 145% over. Comparable to candidate 2018-005’s 460-word Part A, less than 2018-001’s 460w and far less than 2018-009’s 580w.
The distinctive move: the “last memory before graduation” framing. “Our children are going to graduate soon. After entering the university, they may not have a lot of chances to gather with their secondary school classmates so often. This school trip is likely to be their very last memory with their friends before facing the stressful public examination.” No other 2018 Part A in the collection invokes the imminent graduation as a trip rationale. The framing turns the trip from educational activity to final shared experience — a strong emotional argument to a parent reader.
Three-purpose structure. Outdoor learning + academic stress relief + memory-making before graduation. Each purpose has its own paragraph; each has its own justification. This is the most consciously-structured three-purpose framing in the 2018 Part A set.
The Bill-Gates-style aphorism opens the outdoor-learning paragraph. “There is a common saying that ‘experience is better than reading tons of books.’” Citing a (general) saying gives the educational argument borrowed authority — the candidate doesn’t have to defend the experience-vs-books claim because the proverb already does.
The dim-sum specific. The lunch paragraph names a specific Hong Kong food category (well-reputed dim sum) rather than generic local cuisine. Small but real authenticity move.
Subsidies for financial-aid applicants. “Subsidies will be provided for the applicants of our school’s financial aid scheme.” The candidate is the only one of the four MSC 2018 candidates to name a means-tested support mechanism. Parents who fall into the bracket read this and feel the school has thought about them.
What holds it at 35 not higher. The M2 of 16 reads as the weaker half of the markers’ assessment. The likely cost is sentence-level — well-reputated, section vs session, deliver us, all the day — small slips spread across the piece. The substance and structure are 5* / 5** band; the surface puts it at the lower end of 5*.
Word count. Approximately 490 words against the ~200-word brief — about 145% over. Comparable to candidate 2018-005’s 460-word Part A, less than 2018-001’s 460w and far less than 2018-009’s 580w.
The distinctive move: the “last memory before graduation” framing. “Our children are going to graduate soon. After entering the university, they may not have a lot of chances to gather with their secondary school classmates so often. This school trip is likely to be their very last memory with their friends before facing the stressful public examination.” No other 2018 Part A in the collection invokes the imminent graduation as a trip rationale. The framing turns the trip from educational activity to final shared experience — a strong emotional argument to a parent reader.
Three-purpose structure. Outdoor learning + academic stress relief + memory-making before graduation. Each purpose has its own paragraph; each has its own justification. This is the most consciously-structured three-purpose framing in the 2018 Part A set.
The Bill-Gates-style aphorism opens the outdoor-learning paragraph. “There is a common saying that ‘experience is better than reading tons of books.’” Citing a (general) saying gives the educational argument borrowed authority — the candidate doesn’t have to defend the experience-vs-books claim because the proverb already does.
The dim-sum specific. The lunch paragraph names a specific Hong Kong food category (well-reputed dim sum) rather than generic local cuisine. Small but real authenticity move.
Subsidies for financial-aid applicants. “Subsidies will be provided for the applicants of our school’s financial aid scheme.” The candidate is the only one of the four MSC 2018 candidates to name a means-tested support mechanism. Parents who fall into the bracket read this and feel the school has thought about them.
What holds it at 35 not higher. The M2 of 16 reads as the weaker half of the markers’ assessment. The likely cost is sentence-level — well-reputated, section vs session, deliver us, all the day — small slips spread across the piece. The substance and structure are 5* / 5** band; the surface puts it at the lower end of 5*.
Strengths to praise
1. The “last memory before graduation” framing is the candidate’s most original move (lines 31–38)
No other 2018 Part A in the collection invokes the imminent graduation as a trip rationale. The candidate notices that 6A students are about to disperse and uses that fact as the trip’s emotional warrant. A parent reading this might be the last time responds differently than to this is an educational opportunity.
2. Three-purpose framing with clean paragraph boundaries (lines 9–38)
Purpose 1 (outdoor learning, lines 9–17), Purpose 2 (stress relief, lines 19–29), Purpose 3 (memory-making, lines 31–38). Each gets its own paragraph with a clear topic sentence. The structural skeleton is real and visible to the marker.
3. The spoon-fed / exam-oriented critique (lines 20–23)
“Under today’s spoon-fed education system and exam-oriented culture, the schedules of many students are often packed with tons of tutorial classes and extra-curricular activities.” The candidate names HK’s education system in critical terms (spoon-fed, exam-oriented) and uses the critique as the trip’s justification. This is sharper than the generic ‘HKDSE stress’ framing used by the other 2018 Part As.
4. Dim sum specifically named (lines 44–45)
“Taste all kinds of famous gourmet food in Hong Kong, including the well-reputed dim sum.” The dim sum reference grounds the ‘Sky100 restaurant’ in something a parent can picture. The other 2018 Part As mention lunch without specifying cuisine.
5. Financial-aid subsidies named (lines 53–54)
“Subsidies will be provided for the applicants of our school’s financial aid scheme.” The only 2018 Part A to mention means-tested support. A parent in financial difficulty reads this and feels included; a parent not in that bracket reads this and sees an inclusive school.
6. The safety-briefing detail (lines 51–53)
“To ensure everyone’s safety, there will be a briefing session beforehand. Several teachers and volunteers will accompany our students.” Two concrete safety mechanisms (pre-trip briefing + multiple adults). Parent letters that discuss safety usually do so generically; this candidate names the procedures.
Grammar notes
| Issue | Explanation |
|---|---|
(line 4) situated in the ICC → situated at the ICC | Buildings take at: situated at the ICC, situated at the harbour. In would mean inside. |
(line 14) all the day → all day | The fixed phrase is all day, no article. All the day doesn’t exist as an idiomatic time-span. |
(line 27) honing their mental health → improving their mental health | Hone means to refine or sharpen a skill; you don’t hone health. Improve, restore, support fit. |
(line 28) yield to depression thanks to → yield to depression under | Thanks to implies a positive cause (thanks to your help); for negative causes, under, due to, because of. |
(line 43) More to say → In addition / Furthermore | More to say isn’t a standard discourse marker; the natural form is in addition, furthermore, what’s more. |
(line 44) after visit → after the visit | Missing definite article. After the visit. |
(line 45) the well-reputated → the well-reputed | The past participle of repute is reputed, not reputated. Compound: well-reputed. |
(line 48) if your children suffers → if your child suffers | Subject-verb agreement: children suffer (plural verb) or your child suffers (singular). The intended meaning here is per-child. |
(line 51) briefing section → briefing session | A session is a meeting; a section is a part. Likely a spelling confusion. |
(line 52) follow our students → accompany our students | Follow implies tracking behind; accompany is the standard verb for adult supervision of a group. |
(line 41) deliver us from school to the destination → take us from school to the destination | Deliver for people implies a parcel-like transit; take, bring, transport are the natural verbs. |
(line 60) Best regards → Yours sincerely / Yours faithfully | For a formal parent letter from a class teacher, Yours sincerely (when the addressee’s name is known) or Yours faithfully (when generic) is conventional. Best regards is more business-email register. |
Style suggestions (where 5* could become 5**)
Categories:
Fluency sentence flow, collocations, rhythm.
Authenticity places that sound student-y or translated; how a native voice would say it.
Text-type fit matching the conventions of the genre — here, a formal parent letter.
line refs link a suggestion back to specific lines in the transcript above.
Suggestion 1 · the “last memory before graduation” line is the strongest — promote it
Text-type fit
lines 31–38
Original: the memory-making purpose arrives as the third paragraph, after outdoor learning and stress relief.
Try: open the letter with this framing. “Before 6A scatters to different universities next September, the school is taking the class on one final day out together — a Sky100 visit to mark the end of secondary school. This letter has the details.”
The strongest emotional argument is currently buried in paragraph 4. Promoting it to the opening would give the whole letter a unifying frame — this is a farewell trip — that the other purposes (learning, stress relief) then support.
Suggestion 2 · the “experience is better than reading tons of books” saying could be sourced
Authenticity
lines 11–12
Original: “There is a common saying that ‘experience is better than reading tons of books.’”
Try: “As the Chinese proverb puts it, ‘reading ten thousand books is not as useful as travelling ten thousand miles’.”
A named proverb (the actual Chinese saying 讀萬卷書，不如行萬里路) carries more authority than a vague common saying. The candidate is clearly translating a real Chinese proverb; naming it as such would land the move with full force.
Suggestion 3 · the cost paragraph could be a layout block
Text-type fit
lines 40–49
Original: the cost ($200, including entrance + coach) is named in prose alongside lunch and dietary information.
Try (as a layout):
• Total cost: HK$200 per student
• Included: coach, Sky100 entrance, lunch at the Sky100 restaurant (Chinese cuisine, including dim sum)
• Subsidies: full coverage for students on the school’s financial aid scheme
• Allergies: please email me by <date> with any dietary needs
• Total cost: HK$200 per student
• Included: coach, Sky100 entrance, lunch at the Sky100 restaurant (Chinese cuisine, including dim sum)
• Subsidies: full coverage for students on the school’s financial aid scheme
• Allergies: please email me by <date> with any dietary needs
The candidate has the most complete cost / inclusion information of any 2018 Part A. A bulleted block lets a parent confirm what they need to know in three seconds.
Suggestion 4 · the close should name a deadline
Text-type fit
line 58
Original: “If there is any enquiry, feel free to contact me via school email.”
Try: “Please return the signed reply slip by Friday 23rd March. For any questions, email me at chris.wong@school.edu.hk or speak to the form office.”
The candidate doesn’t name a reply-slip deadline anywhere in the letter, leaving the parent without an action date. A real parent letter ends with a deadline and a specific channel.
Suggestion 5 · HK English coinages to standardise
Authenticity
lines 14–15, 26, 41, 45
Examples: “cooped up in the narrow syllabus… lend a helping hand to young adults… well-reputated… deliver us”
Try: cooped up in the narrow syllabus → cooped up with their textbooks; lend a helping hand to young adults → give the students a break; well-reputated → famous; deliver us → take us.
Each is a single-word or short-phrase fix. Together they close the small register flickers that hold the piece at 35 rather than 38+.
Professional rewrite — the “last memory” paragraph (text-type fit + authenticity)
Professional rewrite — the graduation-as-farewell framing (lines 31–38)
This paragraph carries the candidate’s most original argument and the most emotionally resonant claim in the letter. A professional rewrite makes the framing land in language a parent would actually use about their own child.
The student’s paragraph (corrected)
The last, yet the most important purpose, is to leave remarkable memories among students. Our children are going to graduate soon. After entering the university, they may not have a lot of chances to gather with their secondary school classmates so often. This school trip is likely to be their very last memory with their friends before facing the stressful public examination. Therefore, we would like to create an unforgettable memory for students through this visit to Sky100.
Rewritten by a professional letter-writer
There is one more reason for the trip that may matter most to you, as a parent. In a few months, 6A will scatter — to universities, gap years, and the rest of their lives. For most of them, this Sky100 visit will be the last time they spend a whole day together as a class. We don’t want them to remember the last week of secondary school as another week of mock exams. We want them to remember it as the afternoon they stood, together, at the highest point in the city, and looked out.
What the rewrite is doing differently (text-type fit + authenticity):
- The paragraph addresses the parent directly. That may matter most to you, as a parent. The candidate’s original makes a school-side claim; the rewrite locates the argument inside the parent’s emotional register.
- The trip is framed as a counter-memory. We don’t want them to remember the last week of secondary school as another week of mock exams. We want them to remember it as the afternoon they stood, together, at the highest point in the city, and looked out. Two sentences with parallel structure (we don’t want / we want) that turn the abstract claim (create an unforgettable memory) into a specific image (stood, together, looked out).
- The dispersal is named in three forms. To universities, gap years, and the rest of their lives. The candidate’s after entering the university imagines a single path; the rewrite acknowledges the actual diversity of post-secondary trajectories.
- The closing image is visual. Stood, together, at the highest point in the city, and looked out. A picture the parent can hold — their child, the class, the height, the looking. A debate-essay closer is rarely this filmic.
Vocabulary to notice
| Word | Definition | Usage notes |
|---|---|---|
| observation deck | (n.) a high-level platform built for viewing. | Sky100’s standard descriptor in HK travel and education writing. |
| renowned | (adj.) widely known and admired. | Pairs with view, restaurant, expert, museum: the renowned view of Victoria Harbour, a renowned chef. |
| cooped up | (phr. adj.) confined in a small space. | Conversational register: cooped up indoors all day, cooped up in the office. Works in trip-letter context to argue for getting out. |
| syllabus | (n.) the subjects studied for a particular course. | Plural: syllabuses or syllabi. Pairs with narrow, broad, demanding, prescribed: the narrow syllabus, a demanding syllabus. |
| spoon-fed | (adj.) given excessive guidance, without independent effort. | Pairs with education, students, learning, instructions: spoon-fed education system, spoon-fed students. Critical register. |
| exam-oriented | (adj., HK English) focused primarily on examination performance. | Pairs with culture, system, learning, school. Stock critical phrase about HK education. |
| deprivation (of) | (n.) the state of being deprived. | Pairs with sleep, food, freedom, time: sleep deprivation, deprivation of free time. |
| yield (to) | (v.) to give way to. | Pairs with pressure, temptation, depression, force: yield to pressure, yield to despair. Slightly literary register. |
| remarkable | (adj.) worthy of attention; striking. | Pairs with memory, achievement, success, experience: remarkable memories, a remarkable achievement. |
| cherish | (v.) to hold dear; to value highly. | Pairs with memory, moment, friendship, time: cherish the memory, cherish the moment. Warm register; suits farewell-trip writing. |
| gourmet | (n./adj.) a person who is a connoisseur of fine food; or relating to such food. | Pairs with food, cuisine, restaurant, experience: gourmet food, a gourmet dinner. Slightly elevated register. |
| dim sum | (n., HK / Chinese) small steamed or fried dishes traditionally served at yum cha. | Always lowercase in English; usage in the candidate’s letter is appropriate to HK context. |
| briefing session | (n. phrase) a meeting to inform people before an event. | Pairs with safety briefing, briefing session, pre-trip briefing. Standard HK school-letter convention. |
| financial aid scheme | (n. phrase, HK English) a means-tested support programme. | HK education term: apply for the financial aid scheme, the school’s aid scheme. Naming it in a parent letter signals institutional awareness of mixed-income families. |
| widening (one’s) horizons | (v. phrase) to broaden one’s knowledge or experience. | Plural horizons. Common closer in trip-letter contexts: widening their horizons through this event. |
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