Letter to Parents — Sky100 School Trip
Question prompt — Q1 (Part A, compulsory)
You are Chris Wong, the class teacher of 6A. You will be taking your class on a school trip next month to sky100, shown in the poster below. Write a letter to parents giving them the necessary information about the trip. You may use the mindmap to help you write your letter. (~200 words)
Poster details: Sky100 Hong Kong Observation Deck · 100/F ICC · 1 Austin Road West Kowloon · Entrance fee: $150 · Opening hours: 10am–9pm.
Mindmap (suggested topics): Transportation · Cost · Purpose of trip · Lunch · ? (one blank for the candidate to fill).
Mindmap (suggested topics): Transportation · Cost · Purpose of trip · Lunch · ? (one blank for the candidate to fill).
Show original handwritten pages (3)
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear or word almost certainly slipped |
margin numbers every 5 lines match the booklet’s printed margin
Booklet p.3 (lines 1–22)
1Dear Sir/Madam,
2
3Continuing In keeping with our tradition of taking our students
4to a local attraction at least once a year, I will be
5taking students of class 6A to Sky100, the highest indoor
6observation deck in Hong Kong, for this year’s school trip.
7
8The trip will be held on May 17 this year. We will meet up
9at Exit B, Kowloon MTR station at 10am, then proceed to
10the elevators that take us up to the observation deck located
11at the 100th Floor of the ICC building. We will stay
12at the observation deck for two hours, then walk to the
13Elements shopping mall to have lunch. Because students
14may have different preferences with regards to food, and
15of course and may also have special dietary requirements,
16we will split up as at that point to allow classmates
17to choose where to eat. There are a wide variety of culinary
18options at the Elements mall, one of the largest in the
19city, ranging from local, affordable options such as Fairwood
20and Tex’s, to restaurants serving more unique, exotic foods
21such as the Nomus Korean Place BBQ and Mezza’s Oyster Bar
22and Grill. As our school seeks to promote inclusivity and the
Booklet p.4 (lines 23–44)
23for all students regardless of backgrounds background, the
24teachers feel that allowing students to choose their own
25place to dine would be the best approach. After that, we
26all return to the observation deck to take a class photo.
27
28There are a number of benefits for your child to take the
29trip. He/she may know As you may know, all students in class
306A take Geography and Physics as elective subjects, and I
31feel that the two visiting the Sky100 observation deck
32would be especially relevant to the topics covered in the
33two electives. Firstly, the observation deck provides an
34opportunity for our classmates to glimpse a bird’s-eye view
35of the Hong Kong cityscape, both that of Hong Kong Island
36and that of Kowloon. It would allow students to try their
37hand at associating skyscrapers across the Victoria Harbour
38with blocks on a map, thereby allowing them to practice
39and hone their map-reading skills. Students would also be
40able to use the high-resolution binoculars installed at the
41observation deck to zoom in to streets and individual
42apartment blocks. Given the height of the observation deck,
43those binoculars will come in handy to make out the
44individual facilities among the growing concrete jungle. As
Booklet p.5 (lines 45–67, supplementary sheet)
45the observation deck also features Hong Kong’s fastest
46elevators, the process of going up and coming down from
47the observation deck would also allow students to experience
48the changes in the force of gravity, rather or rather
49acceleration — a topic covered in the Mechanics section of
50the Physics syllabus. Students would get to understand the
51abstract concept in that chapter first-hand, as they feel a
52short period of weightlessness as the elevator starts to go down.
53
54The costs of the trip include the lunch fee and the cost
55of lunch entry. Although the standard cost of entry is
56$150, students will be able to enjoy a concessionary price
57of $120. In addition to that, we would be able to get a
58group discount of 20% off if more than 20 characters
59students join the trip. Despite taking advantage of To take
60advantage of the discount, the trip requires confirmation 5
61business days in advance, so I would need to receive a cheque
62from you still as soon as possible, if he/she is planning
63to join us at on the trip. Students shall should also prepare
64money on the day for lunch.
65
66I look forward to your reply and I would strongly encourage
67you to allow your son or daughter to join this meaningful
68trip. Please return the reply slip by Friday April 23, day
69let after or earlier if possible. Thank you.
70
71Yours faithfully,
72Chris Wong
73Class Teacher of 6A
Marks earned: 20 + 18 = 38 / 42 (per-piece 5*). Both markers’ totals are adjusted (caret-marked). The M1 of 20 sits in the 5** range, the M2 of 18 in the 5* range — the average lands at the 5*/5** boundary. The Part B Q6 in the same booklet earned 20 + 20 = 40/42 (5** per-piece). The candidate’s overall English grade is 5*.
Word count. Approximately 580 words against the ~200 brief — nearly three times over. The longest 2018 Part A piece in the collection. Every paragraph carries substantive content, so the length doesn’t feel padded; it’s simply ambitious.
Why this is 5* not 5**. The substantive content is genuinely 5** territory. What holds it at 5* is small sentence-level wobbles — characters for students, day let after, despite taking advantage of where it should be to take advantage of, the date inconsistency (May 17 for trip / April 23 for reply slip). Tightening these would have pushed the M2 from 18 to 20.
Word count. Approximately 580 words against the ~200 brief — nearly three times over. The longest 2018 Part A piece in the collection. Every paragraph carries substantive content, so the length doesn’t feel padded; it’s simply ambitious.
Why this is 5* not 5**. The substantive content is genuinely 5** territory. What holds it at 5* is small sentence-level wobbles — characters for students, day let after, despite taking advantage of where it should be to take advantage of, the date inconsistency (May 17 for trip / April 23 for reply slip). Tightening these would have pushed the M2 from 18 to 20.
Strengths to praise
1. The curriculum-link argument is the analytic spine of the letter (lines 28–52)
Naming Geography and Physics as the relevant electives, and then justifying the trip separately for each (map-reading → Geography; elevator acceleration → Physics) is a move no other 2018 Part A piece attempts. It positions the trip as integrated learning, not day off, which is the most persuasive frame for parents who worry about Form 6 exam time.
2. The Physics-of-the-elevator detail is original (lines 44–52)
The candidate has noticed that Sky100’s fastest-elevator-in-Hong-Kong claim doubles as a physics demonstration (acceleration / brief weightlessness on the way down). This is the kind of cross-domain noticing that distinguishes a strong DSE response from a competent one.
3. The lunch-at-Elements design with named restaurants (lines 17–22)
“Ranging from local, affordable options such as Fairwood and Tex’s, to restaurants serving more unique, exotic foods such as the Nomus Korean BBQ and Mezza’s Oyster Bar and Grill.” Four named restaurants spanning a price/cuisine spectrum. Real, plausible, and shows the candidate has thought about which students might want which kind of meal.
4. Inclusivity framed as institutional value, not afterthought (lines 22–26)
“As our school seeks to promote inclusivity for all students regardless of background, the teachers feel that allowing students to choose their own place to dine would be the best approach.” Naming the school’s inclusivity policy as the reason behind the lunch design (rather than just convenience) is a polished move — it makes the logistics decision feel principled.
5. The cost paragraph names the concessionary mechanism (lines 54–64)
“Although the standard cost of entry is $150, students will be able to enjoy a concessionary price of $120. In addition to that, we would be able to get a group discount of 20% off if more than 20 students join the trip.” The candidate names a specific concessionary rate, a specific group-discount threshold (20 students), and a payment deadline (5 business days). This is the most detailed cost paragraph of the four 2018 Part A letters in the collection.
6. The high-resolution binoculars detail (lines 39–44)
A small but real Sky100 feature that the candidate has picked up and turned into a pedagogical claim (zoom in to streets and individual apartment blocks). Most candidates only mention the view; this one mentions the equipment.
7. The opening signals continuity with school tradition (lines 3–6)
“In keeping with our tradition of taking our students to a local attraction at least once a year…” The candidate opens by placing the trip in the context of an annual programme. This is the move that reassures parents: this isn’t a one-off; this is what the school does.
Grammar notes
| Issue | Explanation |
|---|---|
(line 3) Continuing our tradition → In keeping with our tradition | Continuing as a participle at the start of the sentence is grammatically loose — it needs to attach to a subject. In keeping with is the conventional letter-opening prepositional phrase. |
(line 14) with regards to food → with regard to food | The fixed phrase is with regard to (singular). With regards only appears in correspondence closings (kind regards). |
(line 16) we will split up as that point → we will split up at that point | Pen-slip; at that point (in time) is the standard collocation. |
(lines 14–15) and of course → (probable transcription gap) | The original phrase reads as garbled; the surrounding context suggests it was meant to introduce the dietary-requirements clause but the syntax breaks down. Best read keeps the dietary-requirements sense. |
(line 23) regardless of backgrounds → regardless of background | The fixed phrase uses background in the singular: regardless of background, regardless of race, regardless of religion. |
(line 29) He/she may know, all students in class 6A → As you may know, all students in class 6A | The original’s he/she refers to the child, but the relevant party at this moment is the parent reader. As you may know is the conventional reader-acknowledgement opener. |
(lines 38–39) practice and hone their map-reading skills → ok (BrE: practise and hone) | Acceptable. Note BrE / HK English uses practise (verb) vs practice (noun). The candidate uses the AmE / unified spelling, which is widely accepted. |
(line 58) more than 20 characters join the trip → more than 20 students join the trip | Characters is the wrong noun — almost certainly a pen-slip for students or participants. |
(line 59) Despite taking advantage of the discount → To take advantage of the discount | Despite introduces a concession (despite X, Y happened anyway); the candidate’s context is in order to, which is the opposite logical relation. To take advantage of is the fix. |
(line 63) if he/she is planning to join us at the trip → if he/she is planning to join us on the trip | On a trip is the standard preposition: on the trip, on the school trip, on the excursion. At would work for a specific event/venue (at the museum). |
(line 63) Students shall also prepare money → Students should also bring money | Shall is increasingly archaic in HK English; should is the natural modal in school-letter contexts. Bring is also more natural than prepare. |
(lines 68–69) Please return the reply slip by Friday April 23, day let after → Please return the reply slip by Friday April 23, or earlier if possible | Day let after doesn’t parse — almost certainly a pen-slip. The intended sense (or earlier if you can) needs to be added. |
(line 68 vs line 8) Friday April 23 vs May 17 for trip → (date inconsistency) | The trip is May 17; the reply-slip deadline is April 23. April 23 is more than three weeks before the trip, which is reasonable. But the candidate’s 5-business-days-in-advance claim earlier (requires confirmation 5 business days in advance) would put the cheque-deadline around May 10, not April 23. Minor internal date inconsistency. |
Style suggestions (where strong 5* could become 5**)
Categories:
Fluency sentence flow.
Authenticity places that sound student-y or translated.
Text-type fit matching genre conventions.
line refs link a suggestion back to specific lines in the transcript above.
Suggestion 1 · the opening “Dear Sir/Madam” is overly formal for a class teacher addressing parents
Text-type fit
line 1
Original: “Dear Sir/Madam,”
Try: “Dear Parents and Guardians of 6A,”
Dear Sir/Madam is the salutation for a letter to an unknown party (a bank, an authority). A class teacher writing to known parents uses a warmer, addressed salutation. Small move; pays off across the whole letter’s tone.
Suggestion 2 · the curriculum-link paragraph is the standout — could be promoted earlier
Text-type fit
lines 28–52
Original: the curriculum link arrives in the third paragraph, after the logistics and lunch design.
Try: lead with the curriculum hook (“I’m taking 6A to Sky100 to give our Physics and Geography students a working laboratory in the city’s skyline”), then attach logistics afterwards.
The candidate’s strongest argument arrives third. Real teacher letters lead with the educational rationale, then handle logistics in a scannable block. Re-ordering would significantly lift the piece.
Suggestion 3 · the lunch design could carry a shorter sentence
Text-type fit
lines 13–26
Original: the lunch section names four restaurants in one long sentence and pivots to the inclusivity rationale in the next.
Try: “Lunch will be at Elements Mall, with the class splitting into self-organised groups. Options range from Fairwood at one end to Mezza’s Oyster Bar at the other — we want students to choose what suits them, including any dietary needs.”
Two short sentences carry the same content as the original’s long compound. The named-restaurants list lands harder when it’s reduced to one at-each-end pair rather than four equally weighted names.
Suggestion 4 · the cost paragraph could be a scannable block
Text-type fit
lines 54–64
Original: cost information runs across four sentences with conditional clauses (standard cost is $150, concessionary $120, group discount if more than 20).
Try (as layout):
• Entry to Sky100: HK$120 per student (concessionary rate from $150)
• Group discount: 20% off if 20 or more students join — we expect to hit this
• Lunch: students bring their own money (~HK$60-80 typical at Elements)
• Payment by cheque: due by 10 May at the latest
• Entry to Sky100: HK$120 per student (concessionary rate from $150)
• Group discount: 20% off if 20 or more students join — we expect to hit this
• Lunch: students bring their own money (~HK$60-80 typical at Elements)
• Payment by cheque: due by 10 May at the latest
Cost information benefits more than any other paragraph from a layout. The candidate’s prose version has all the right substance; converting to bullets makes the parent’s decision faster.
Suggestion 5 · date alignment
Text-type fit
lines 8 & 68
Original: trip on May 17, reply slip by April 23, cheque needed 5 business days before the trip.
Try: re-align the dates. Reply slip + cheque by Friday 4 May; trip on Thursday 17 May. Add a date line at the top of the letter (16 April 2018) so the ‘5 business days’ claim is consistent.
The candidate’s internal dates don’t align with the 5-business-days claim. The 5** band rewards letters where every claim is mutually consistent — a single review pass for dates would close this gap.
Suggestion 6 · minor authenticity wins (HK English → standard)
Authenticity
throughout
Examples through the piece: “with regards to food… shall also prepare money… characters join the trip”
Try: with regards to → with regard to; shall → should; characters → students.
Each is a single-word fix. Several together would close the 5*/5** gap on Language alone.
Professional rewrite — the lunch-design paragraph (text-type fit + authenticity)
Professional rewrite — the Elements Mall lunch arrangement
This paragraph carries genuinely strong content: a self-organised lunch at a named mall, four named restaurants spanning a price range, and an inclusivity rationale tying it back to the school’s values. The original delivers all this in one long compound sentence cascade. A professional rewrite preserves every element and lets the structural decision (students choose) land as the deliberate move it is. Text-type fit (school-letter conventions: shorter paragraphs, scannable substructure) and authenticity (replacing HK-English phrasings with standard collocations) drive the rewrite.
The student’s paragraph (corrected)
We will stay at the observation deck for two hours, then walk to the Elements shopping mall to have lunch. Because students may have different preferences with regard to food, and may also have special dietary requirements, we will split up at that point to allow classmates to choose where to eat. There are a wide variety of culinary options at the Elements mall, one of the largest in the city, ranging from local, affordable options such as Fairwood and Tex’s, to restaurants serving more unique, exotic foods such as the Nomus Korean BBQ and Mezza’s Oyster Bar and Grill. As our school seeks to promote inclusivity for all students regardless of background, the teachers feel that allowing students to choose their own place to dine would be the best approach.
Rewritten by a professional class teacher
After the deck, the class will walk over to Elements Mall for lunch. We’ve chosen Elements deliberately. The food court’s range — from Fairwood at one end to the Korean BBQ counter at the other — lets every student find something that fits their budget and their preferences, including any allergies or dietary needs. The class will split into small self-organised groups for the meal and re-gather at the deck at 14:00 for the class photograph. We see this small piece of independence as part of what the trip is for.
What the rewrite is doing differently (text-type fit + authenticity emphasis):
- The choice of Elements is announced as deliberate. We’ve chosen Elements deliberately. Real school letters explain why the venue was selected; the candidate’s version reads as if Elements is incidental.
- The price spectrum is named at the ends, not in the middle. From Fairwood at one end to the Korean BBQ counter at the other. Four named restaurants compress into two anchored extremes; the parent gets the range in eight words instead of twenty.
- Dietary needs are framed in the parent’s vocabulary. Allergies or dietary needs, not special dietary requirements. The latter sounds bureaucratic; the former is what a parent actually thinks.
- The reconvene time is named. Re-gather at the deck at 14:00 for the class photograph. Splitting up sounds risky to a parent unless the regroup is anchored. The class photo gives the moment a non-negotiable end-point.
- The closing sentence makes the inclusivity claim institutional, not procedural. We see this small piece of independence as part of what the trip is for. Reframes regardless of background as independence as pedagogy — a stronger, more honest justification for the choice.
Vocabulary to notice
| Word | Definition | Usage notes |
|---|---|---|
| in keeping with | (prep. phrase) consistent with or appropriate to. | Common letter-opener: in keeping with our tradition, in keeping with the school’s values. Higher register than following. |
| elective (subject) | (n./adj.) a subject chosen by a student from a range of options. | HK / IB term: Form 5 / 6 students take three or four electives. American equivalent: elective course, optional subject. |
| bird’s-eye view | (n. phrase) a general view from above. | Often metaphorical: a bird’s-eye view of the situation. Literal sense suits the Sky100 context. |
| cityscape | (n.) the visual appearance of a city or urban area. | Parallels landscape. Pairs with panoramic, sprawling, glittering, urban: the panoramic cityscape, the Hong Kong cityscape. |
| hone (a skill) | (v.) to refine, sharpen, or perfect. | Pairs with skills, craft, technique, instincts. The metaphor is from sharpening a blade on a hone. |
| acceleration | (n., physics) the rate of change of velocity per unit of time. | Distinct from velocity (rate of change of position) and speed. Technical term appropriate to a Physics-syllabus reference. |
| weightlessness | (n.) the state of having little or no weight relative to gravity. | Pairs with brief, momentary, sensation of, feel: a brief sensation of weightlessness, feel weightless. The candidate’s elevator-physics observation is accurate. |
| first-hand | (adj./adv.) obtained directly from a personal experience. | Pairs with experience, knowledge, account, look: first-hand experience of the trip. Hyphenated when modifying a noun. |
| concessionary (price / rate) | (adj.) reduced from the standard rate for a particular group. | HK English / BrE: concessionary fare, concessionary rate. American: discounted rate. The standard term for student/senior/group discounts at attractions. |
| inclusivity / inclusion | (n.) the practice of providing equal access and opportunity. | Pairs with promote, foster, ensure, commit to: promote inclusivity, commit to inclusion. Current HK education policy vocabulary. |
| dietary requirements / needs | (n. phrase) restrictions or needs concerning what one eats. | Pairs with special, religious, medical, allergic: special dietary requirements, religious dietary needs. Standard for event-planning / school-letter contexts. |
| come in handy | (phr. v.) turn out to be useful. | Informal but acceptable in school letters: those binoculars will come in handy. The candidate’s use is appropriate. |
| concrete jungle | (n. phrase, informal) a city, especially a densely built-up one. | Often pejorative or wry: Hong Kong’s growing concrete jungle. The candidate’s use catches the tone of a teacher gesturing at urban density. |
| make out | (phr. v.) to be just able to see, hear, or understand. | Pairs with shape, figure, details, words: make out the individual facilities, make out what he was saying. Appropriate for the binoculars context. |
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