Letter to Parents — Sky100 School Trip
Question prompt — Q1 (Part A, compulsory)
You are Chris Wong, the class teacher of 6A. You will be taking your class on a school trip next month to sky100, shown in the poster below. Write a letter to parents giving them the necessary information about the trip. You may use the mindmap to help you write your letter. (~200 words)
Poster details: Sky100 Hong Kong Observation Deck · 100/F ICC · 1 Austin Road West Kowloon · Entrance fee: $150 · Opening hours: 10am–9pm.
Mindmap (suggested topics): Transportation · Cost · Purpose of trip · Lunch · ? (one blank for the candidate to fill).
Mindmap (suggested topics): Transportation · Cost · Purpose of trip · Lunch · ? (one blank for the candidate to fill).
Show original handwritten pages (3)
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear or wording almost certainly slipped |
margin numbers every 5 lines match the booklet’s printed margin
Booklet p.3 (lines 1–22)
113th April, 2018
2
3Dear parents,
4
5I would like to inform you on about an upcoming school
6trip on to Sky100, which will be held next month
7on 18th May. You may find the details regarding
8the purpose of this activity, as well as the arrangements
9related to the logistics, below.
10
11Sky100 is the highest indoor observation deck in
12the city, and is located near the roof on on the 100th
13floor of Hong Kong’s tallest skyscraper, the ICC, in
14West Kowloon. Standing on the deck, we can enjoy
15a panoramic view of our city on all sides of across the
16harbour, making it a memorable experience.
17
18Therefore, one of the purposes of this trip is to
19provide an opportunity for our students, who have been
20working extremely hard to strive for excellence in their
21the HKDSE examination, to enjoy themselves and alleviate
22their pressure through such a unique school trip.
Booklet p.4 (lines 23–44)
23Apart from providing entertainment for our students after
24their nerve-wracking examination, another aim for of this trip
25is to increase our students’ understanding on of the landscape
26of our city. Standing on the 100th floor, students would
27be able to identify the landmarks and have a
28more comprehensive picture of Hong Kong’s geographical
29features and physical layout, while they are carried away
30by the captivating view. Hence, this activity
31facilitates students to increase helps students broaden their knowledge
32of the city we live in.
33
34Regarding the logistics, a coach will pick up the
35students from the school at 11am, and it is expected
36to arrive at the destination, Sky100, approximately an hour
37later. The trip to Sky100 will take visit will last approximately an hour,
38followed by a meal at a Chinese restaurant nearby.
39The students will be dismissed at the spot venue at around
402 pm.
41
42The ticket price for Sky100 is $150, while the
43cost incurred for transportation and catering will all
44be covered by the school. You are reminded to hand in
Booklet p.5 (lines 45–68, supplementary sheet)
45a cheque payable to the school by next Friday.
46There are also a few reminders for the students. They
47are advised to bring a camera to capture the breath-
48taking scenery. They should also have their stationery
49prepared, so as so that they can fill in a worksheet in
50to facilitate their learning. For clothing, casual wear
51will be appropriate.
52
53The school trip to Sky100 is a wonderful
54chance for our students to learn more about
55the city while enjoying themselves simultaneously.
56Students are thus encouraged to participate in this
57meaningful activity. In case you have any inquiries,
58please feel free to send me an email through the
59school email system.
60
61Yours faithfully,
62[signature: Chris Wong]
63Chris Wong
64Class teacher Teacher of 6A
Marks earned: 19 + 19 = 38 / 42 (5*). Both markers gave ^19 — marker agreement perfect, with no third-panel intervention needed. The Part B Q5 in the same booklet (the opposition-side debate speech) earned 18 + 16 = 34/42, so the overall subject grade is 5*, with the Part A being the stronger of the two answers.
Word count. Approximately 380 words against the ~200-word brief — about 90% over. Sits between the 2018-008 letter (340 words) and the 2018-001 letter (420 words).
Most logistically detailed of the three 2018 Part A letters. Names a date (13th April 2018, line 1), a trip date (18th May, line 7), a pickup time (11am, line 35), an arrival time (12pm, lines 35–37), a dismissal time (2pm, lines 39–40), a lunch venue type (Chinese restaurant, line 38), a cost ($150 + transport/catering covered, lines 42–44), a payment method (cheque, line 45), a payment deadline (next Friday, line 45), and three packing items (camera, stationery, casual wear, lines 47–51). A real parent could plan the day from this letter alone.
The worksheet detail is the wildcard fill (lines 49–50). The mindmap’s ‘?’ placeholder is filled by a post-trip learning element — they should also have their stationery prepared, so as to fill in a worksheet to facilitate their learning. This is the move the 2018-008 letter is missing.
Two distinct purposes, both well-framed. Stress relief from HKDSE pressure (lines 18–22) and geographical / landmark learning (lines 23–32). The same two-purpose structure as 2018-001, but with the order reversed and the HKDSE-stress framing made more vivid (nerve-wracking examination, line 24).
Word count. Approximately 380 words against the ~200-word brief — about 90% over. Sits between the 2018-008 letter (340 words) and the 2018-001 letter (420 words).
Most logistically detailed of the three 2018 Part A letters. Names a date (13th April 2018, line 1), a trip date (18th May, line 7), a pickup time (11am, line 35), an arrival time (12pm, lines 35–37), a dismissal time (2pm, lines 39–40), a lunch venue type (Chinese restaurant, line 38), a cost ($150 + transport/catering covered, lines 42–44), a payment method (cheque, line 45), a payment deadline (next Friday, line 45), and three packing items (camera, stationery, casual wear, lines 47–51). A real parent could plan the day from this letter alone.
The worksheet detail is the wildcard fill (lines 49–50). The mindmap’s ‘?’ placeholder is filled by a post-trip learning element — they should also have their stationery prepared, so as to fill in a worksheet to facilitate their learning. This is the move the 2018-008 letter is missing.
Two distinct purposes, both well-framed. Stress relief from HKDSE pressure (lines 18–22) and geographical / landmark learning (lines 23–32). The same two-purpose structure as 2018-001, but with the order reversed and the HKDSE-stress framing made more vivid (nerve-wracking examination, line 24).
Strengths to praise
1. The letter is dated (line 1)
“13th April, 2018” at the top right — the only one of the three 2018 Part A pieces with a date line. Combined with the trip date (18th May, line 7), the parent knows exactly when the letter was written and how much notice they have.
2. The Sky100 description is geographically specific (lines 11–14)
“The 100th floor of Hong Kong’s tallest skyscraper, the ICC, in West Kowloon.” Three pieces of geographical anchoring in one sentence: the floor, the building name, the neighbourhood. The other two letters mention Sky100 by name but don’t locate it.
3. Two-purpose framing, one clean sentence each (lines 18–32)
Purpose 1: enjoy themselves and alleviate their pressure… after their nerve-wracking examination. Purpose 2: increase our students’ understanding of the landscape of our city. Each purpose gets its own topic sentence and one supporting clause; the reader doesn’t need to hunt for the rationale.
4. The logistics paragraph reads like a real school memo (lines 34–40)
Four specific timing anchors (11am pickup, hour later, hour visit, 2pm dismissal), named transport (coach), named restaurant type (Chinese, nearby), and named dismissal location (the venue). The other two letters mention transport but not the meal location; this one provides the full itinerary.
5. The cost structure is named precisely (lines 42–45)
The parent knows three things: the price they pay ($150), what’s also covered (transport + catering, free), and how to pay (cheque, by Friday). This is the strongest cost paragraph of the three Part A letters.
6. The reminders use the mindmap wildcard well (lines 46–51)
Three practical items: bring a camera, stationery for a worksheet, casual wear. The worksheet detail does double duty — it’s a packing reminder AND it signals that the trip has a learning task attached. One sentence, two functions.
7. The HKDSE-stress framing is more vivid than 2018-001’s (lines 19–24)
The phrase nerve-wracking examination does the parental-empathy work that 2018-001’s flatter stress problems doesn’t. The parent reading this letter recognises their child’s situation in the description.
Grammar notes
| Issue | Explanation |
|---|---|
(line 5) inform you on an upcoming school trip → inform you about an upcoming school trip | Inform takes of or about for the topic of the information; on doesn’t collocate. (On works in weigh in on, report on.) |
(line 6) school trip on Sky100 → school trip to Sky100 | Trip takes to for the destination: a trip to Paris, a trip to the museum. On is used for the mode (a trip on the ferry). |
(line 12) located near the roof on the 100th floor → located on the 100th floor | Near the roof is redundant since the 100th floor of the ICC is effectively the roof. The simpler version is more accurate. |
(line 15) can enjoy panoramic view → can enjoy a panoramic view | Missing indefinite article. Panoramic view is a count noun: a panoramic view, the panoramic view, panoramic views. |
(line 15) on all sides of the harbour → across the harbour / on both sides of the harbour | All sides implies more than two. The harbour has two sides — Hong Kong Island and Kowloon. Across or on both sides is the natural way to refer to that geography. |
(line 20) strive for excellence in their HKDSE examination → strive for excellence in the HKDSE examination | The HKDSE is one named examination, not many; the definite article the is the standard choice (compare the SAT, the IELTS). |
(line 24) another aim for this trip → another aim of this trip | Aim takes of: the aim of the trip, the aim of the policy. For would imply purpose-of-the-trip-toward-something, which isn’t the meaning. |
(line 25) increase our students’ understanding on → increase our students’ understanding of | Understanding takes of: an understanding of the issue, of the topic, of the city’s landscape. On would work with commentary on, reflection on. |
(line 31) this activity facilitates students to increase their knowledge → this activity helps students broaden their knowledge | Facilitate takes a direct object (a process, not a person): facilitate communication, facilitate the meeting. To facilitate someone to do something isn’t standard; use help, enable, allow. |
(line 39) dismissed at the spot at around 2 pm → dismissed at the venue at around 2 pm | The spot is unclear without a referent — which spot? The venue (or at Sky100) names the place. |
(lines 43–44) the cost incurred for transportation and catering will all be covered → the cost of transportation and catering will be covered | Two refinements: cost incurred is bureaucratic for a parent letter (incurred belongs in accounting); and all is redundant after a generic the cost. |
(lines 49–50) so as to fill in a worksheet → so that they can fill in a worksheet | Slight refinement. So as to + verb is grammatical but more formal; in a parent letter so that they can reads more naturally. |
(lines 50–51) For clothing, casual wear will be appropriate → Casual clothing is appropriate | Simpler form. The For X, Y will be structure is more elaborate than this short note needs. |
(line 58) send me an email through the school email system → email me through the school’s email system | The phrasal verb email me is more direct than send me an email. The school’s (genitive) is slightly cleaner than the school. |
(line 64) Class teacher of 6A → Class Teacher of 6A | In a signature block, the role title is conventionally capitalised: Class Teacher, Form Teacher, Head of Year. |
Style suggestions (where strong writing could become outstanding)
Categories:
Fluency sentence flow, collocations, rhythm.
Authenticity places that sound student-y or translated; how a native voice would say it.
Text-type fit matching the conventions of the genre — here, a formal parent letter.
line refs link a suggestion back to specific lines in the transcript above.
Suggestion 1 · the opening could lead with the trip date
Text-type fit
lines 5–7
Original: “I would like to inform you about an upcoming school trip to Sky100, which will be held next month on 18th May.”
Try: “6A will be visiting Sky100 on Friday 18th May. This letter explains the day, the cost, and what your child will need to bring.”
A real teacher letter leads with the key fact (which class, where, when) in the first sentence, then previews the rest of the letter in the second. The original’s I would like to inform you opener is correct but slow.
Suggestion 2 · the Sky100 description paragraph is a luxury given the word count
Text-type fit
lines 11–16
Original: An entire paragraph (~55 words) describing what Sky100 is, before getting to the purpose of the trip.
Try: fold the venue description into the first sentence of the purpose paragraph: “The purpose of the day is two-fold. First, we want our students to enjoy the panoramic view of the city from the 100th-floor observation deck at the ICC tower…”
Parents typically know what Sky100 is, or can find out in one search. Devoting a whole paragraph to it before the trip’s purpose is editorial weight in the wrong place.
Suggestion 3 · “while they are carried away by the captivating view”
Authenticity
lines 29–30
Original: “students would be able to identify the landmarks and have a more comprehensive picture of Hong Kong’s geographical features and physical layout, while they are carried away by the captivating view.”
Try: “students will be able to pick out the landmarks they see every day from below and place them on a single map — the harbour, the cargo cranes, the Peak.”
Carried away by the captivating view is travel-brochure register. Replacing it with a concrete pedagogical claim (pick out the landmarks they see every day from below) makes the learning hook actively visible, not decorative.
Suggestion 4 · the cost paragraph could be a bulleted block
Text-type fit
lines 42–45
Original: “The ticket price for Sky100 is $150, while the cost incurred for transportation and catering will all be covered by the school. You are reminded to hand in a cheque payable to the school by next Friday.”
Try (as layout):
• Cost: HK$150 (Sky100 ticket)
• Included: coach to and from school; Chinese-restaurant lunch
• Payment: cheque made out to the school, due by Friday 20th April
• Cost: HK$150 (Sky100 ticket)
• Included: coach to and from school; Chinese-restaurant lunch
• Payment: cheque made out to the school, due by Friday 20th April
The candidate’s cost information is the most complete of the three Part A letters; presenting it as a bulleted block lets the parent scan it in three seconds instead of parsing two sentences.
Suggestion 5 · the worksheet detail could be elevated to its own short paragraph
Text-type fit
lines 48–50
Original: “They should also have their stationery prepared, so as to fill in a worksheet to facilitate their learning.”
Try (as a dedicated paragraph):
“Trip worksheet. Each student will receive a short worksheet to complete during the visit — six questions on the harbour’s landmarks and the building’s history. Please make sure they bring a pen and a pencil.”
“Trip worksheet. Each student will receive a short worksheet to complete during the visit — six questions on the harbour’s landmarks and the building’s history. Please make sure they bring a pen and a pencil.”
The worksheet is the move that distinguishes this letter from the 2018-008 piece; surfacing it as its own short paragraph (with a heading) lets the move land harder.
Suggestion 6 · the close could include a specific reply mechanism
Text-type fit
lines 57–59
Original: “In case you have any inquiries, please feel free to send me an email through the school email system.”
Try: “Please return the reply slip and cheque by Friday 20th April. If you have any questions, email me at chris.wong@school.edu.hk or speak to the form office on extension 256.”
A real teacher letter closes with an action (return X by Y) and a named contact path. The pro version gives a deadline AND two contact channels.
Suggestion 7 · the 11am pickup could note breakfast
Authenticity
lines 34–37
Original: “A coach will pick up the students from the school at 11am, and it is expected to arrive at the destination, Sky100, approximately an hour later.”
Try: “The coach leaves the school gate at 11am, arriving at Sky100 around 12pm. Lunch will be served at the restaurant after the visit; please make sure your child has a normal breakfast before coming to school.”
The original’s timing is good but doesn’t address the small but real parental question: my child will be hungry between breakfast and post-trip lunch — what should they eat? A real teacher letter pre-empts that question with one short sentence.
Suggestion 8 · compress toward 280 words
Fluency
whole piece
Original: ~380 words against a ~200 brief.
Aim: opening + key facts (50w) · combined purpose paragraph (80w) · logistics + cost block (90w) · reminders + close (60w). Target: 280.
The two main cuts are: (a) merge the venue-description paragraph into the purpose paragraph; (b) compress the closing “encouragement” sentence (lines 53–57, students are thus encouraged to participate in this meaningful activity) into the close itself.
Professional rewrite — the logistics paragraph (the strongest moment)
Professional rewrite — the trip itinerary (lines 34–40)
The logistics paragraph is the candidate’s most complete and most usable. A professional rewrite preserves the timing detail and tightens the prose into the rhythmic three-beat the genre expects.
The student’s paragraph (corrected)
Regarding the logistics, a coach will pick up the students from the school at 11am, and it is expected to arrive at the destination, Sky100, approximately an hour later. The visit will last approximately an hour, followed by a meal at a Chinese restaurant nearby. The students will be dismissed at the venue at around 2 pm.
Rewritten by a professional letter-writer
The schedule for the day:
• 11:00 — coach leaves the school gate
• 12:00 — arrival at Sky100; one-hour observation-deck visit and worksheet
• 13:00 — lunch at the Wing Tat Chinese restaurant on the ground floor
• 14:00 — students dismissed at the ICC podium entrance
• 11:00 — coach leaves the school gate
• 12:00 — arrival at Sky100; one-hour observation-deck visit and worksheet
• 13:00 — lunch at the Wing Tat Chinese restaurant on the ground floor
• 14:00 — students dismissed at the ICC podium entrance
What the rewrite is doing differently:
- The timing becomes a schedule. Four bullet points with a time and an event, instead of three sentences. The parent finds the dismissal time in 0.5 seconds.
- The restaurant is named. “The Wing Tat Chinese restaurant on the ground floor” (illustrative) tells the parent where their child will be at 13:00. The candidate’s a Chinese restaurant nearby is helpful but vague.
- The dismissal location is specified. “The ICC podium entrance” is the actual pickup point a parent driving to collect their child would need.
- The worksheet is folded into the deck visit. The candidate’s worksheet (in the reminders paragraph) is integrated into the schedule, so the parent sees that the deck visit has a learning task built in.
Vocabulary to notice
| Word | Definition | Usage notes |
|---|---|---|
| panoramic | (adj.) showing or covering a wide area. | Pairs with view, image, sweep, photograph, vista: a panoramic view of the harbour, a panoramic sweep of the city. |
| observation deck | (n.) a high-level platform built for viewing. | Pairs with indoor, open-air, panoramic, rooftop. Sky100’s deck is the highest indoor one in Hong Kong. |
| alleviate | (v.) to make a problem less severe. | Pairs with pressure, pain, stress, burden, worry. Slightly more formal than ease or relieve. |
| nerve-wracking | (adj.) causing extreme nervousness. | Variant spelling: nerve-racking. Pairs with experience, examination, wait, interview. Common collocation in HK English when describing HKDSE pressure. |
| comprehensive | (adj.) complete, including all aspects. | Pairs with understanding, picture, view, analysis, list, study: a comprehensive picture of the city, a comprehensive review. |
| captivating | (adj.) capturing the attention of, charming. | Pairs with view, performance, story, presence, smile. Slightly more decorated than striking or impressive. |
| facilitate | (v.) to make something easier. | Takes a process or thing as object, not a person: facilitate learning, facilitate communication, facilitate the meeting. Not facilitate someone to do X. |
| coach (n.) | (n., BrE) a long-distance bus, especially for tours and trips. | Distinct from bus (a city bus). In HK and BrE, school trips use a coach; in AmE the term is charter bus. |
| approximately | (adv.) used to express that a number, time, or amount is not exact. | Pairs with an hour, $200, three weeks. Slightly more formal than about. |
| incur (a cost) | (v.) to become subject to (a cost, debt, or penalty) as a result of one’s actions. | Bureaucratic register: incur expenses, incur a debt, incur a penalty. In a parent letter, the cost of X is more natural than the cost incurred for X. |
| cheque (BrE) / check (AmE) | (n.) a written order to a bank to pay a sum of money. | HK English follows the BrE spelling. The standard phrasing is a cheque payable to / made out to + recipient. |
| stationery | (n.) writing materials — pens, paper, envelopes, etc. | Often confused with stationary (= not moving). Stationery items in a school context: pens, pencils, erasers, rulers, notebooks. |
| simultaneously | (adv.) at the same time. | Pairs with active verbs: doing X and Y simultaneously. Slightly more formal than at the same time. |
| inquiries (AmE) / enquiries (BrE) | (n., usually plural) acts of asking for information. | The candidate uses the AmE spelling; HK English usually follows BrE (enquiries), but both are acceptable. |
| breath-taking | (adj.) astonishing or awe-inspiring; literally, taking one’s breath away. | Variant: breathtaking without hyphen. Pairs with view, scenery, performance, beauty. |
| casual wear | (n. phrase) informal clothing suitable for everyday occasions. | Distinct from uniform in a school context. Pairs with appropriate, recommended, acceptable. |
Leave a Reply