Letter to Parents — Sky100 School Trip
Question prompt — Q1 (Part A, compulsory)
You are Chris Wong, the class teacher of 6A. You will be taking your class on a school trip next month to sky100, shown in the poster below. Write a letter to parents giving them the necessary information about the trip. (~200 words)
Poster details: Sky100 Hong Kong Observation Deck · 100/F ICC · Entrance fee: $150 · Opening hours: 10am–9pm.
Mindmap topics: Transportation · Cost · Purpose of trip · Lunch · ? (wildcard).
Mindmap topics: Transportation · Cost · Purpose of trip · Lunch · ? (wildcard).
Show original handwritten pages (2)
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear or word almost certainly slipped |
margin numbers every 5 lines match the booklet’s printed margin
Booklet p.3 (lines 1–22)
1Dear Sir or Madam,
2
3I’m writing to inform you of the school trip
4next month, in order to broaden our
5students’ horizon horizons and let them take a look
6of at the mesmerizing side of this concrete
7jungle they are we are all living in. I will be taking
8my fellow students on a school
9trip to sky100. Here are the details of the trip.
10The trip will be held on
111st October, a special day of for Hong Kong. In view
12of students suffering from great academic stress,
13I hope this trip would will relieve students’
14pressure from their heavy schoolwork and help
15them to understand the beauty of this Hong Kong affluent
16this affluent metropolis.
17We will be going to sky100 by bus, which is
18already booked by the school. As we would like to
19ensure the safety of students, we will not not be taking
20public transport to prevent mishaps. The entrance fee
21of sky100 is $150, which is definitely
22worth it for a visit to the highest building observation deck of in Hong
Booklet p.4 (lines 23–46)
23Kong. As the trip lasted lasts from 10 a.m. to 9 p.m.,
24we will be having lunch on at the restaurant in at
25sky100, which provide provides a balanced, designated and and
26healthy diet for students. Special requirements such as vegetarian
27needs or students being allergic to certain ingredients,
28please feel free to notify me through email.
29In addition, students get will get to learn about the
30history of Hong Kong through visiting examples in
31their textbook brought to life on the deck.
32There will be games about Hong Kong &
33technology which visually show how the city has
34changed across the decades. There will also be a
35museum-like room where students can step into the
36past, and learn about Hong Kong outside the classroom
37and broaden their views about the city. I would say
38it is a rare chance for students to learn outside
39the classroom and know more about the city our city.
40I sincerely hope that you will be permitted
41your child will be permitted by you to join this school trip.
42Thank you for your kind attention, and please
43turn in return the reply slip on or before 14th September
44to the school.
45Yours sincerely,
46Chris Wong
Class Teacher of 6A
Class Teacher of 6A
Marks earned: 17 + 16 = 33 / 42 (per-piece Level 5; candidate’s overall is 5**). Both markers’ totals are adjusted (caret-marked). The Part B Q4 in the same booklet earned 20 + 21 = 41/42 (5**), so the candidate’s English Language overall is 5** and this Part A is the weaker half of their script.
Dual-band convention. Per-piece reported as 5 (this piece) · 5** overall. A real gap of three bands between Part A and Part B from the same student — the largest within-script gap in the 2018 collection so far.
Word count. Approximately 330 words against the ~200-word brief — about 65% over. Disciplined relative to the candidate 2018-005 (460w) and 2018-001 (420w) Part As, but still over-target.
What holds this back from 5*. Three patterns recur: (1) tangled relative clauses (which provide balanced diet designated and healthy, lines 25–26; examples in their textbook, lines 30–31); (2) word-form / preposition slips (broaden our students’ horizon line 5, take a look of lines 5–6, a special day of Hong Kong line 11, hope this trip would relieve line 13); (3) the wildcard topic (history-via-museum-games, lines 30–37) is named but not developed beyond the abstract claim. The 5* and 5** Part As in this year either name specific Sky100 features (the historical photo panel, the binoculars) or invent a concrete activity (candidate 2018-005’s Lunch with Big Brothers); candidate 2018-006’s ‘museum-like room’ gestures at a Sky100 feature but doesn’t commit to one.
The safety reasoning is a small but real strength. “We will not be taking public transport to prevent mishaps.” (lines 19–20). The candidate is the only one of the four 2018 MSC candidates to explicitly justify the bus-vs-MTR choice on safety grounds. Parents respond to the framing.
Dietary-needs paragraph is well placed. Mentioning vegetarian options and allergens (lines 26–28) with an explicit follow-up channel (notify me through email) treats the parent as a participant in trip planning rather than a passive consenter. The 5* / 5** Part As in 2018 don’t handle dietary needs at all.
Dual-band convention. Per-piece reported as 5 (this piece) · 5** overall. A real gap of three bands between Part A and Part B from the same student — the largest within-script gap in the 2018 collection so far.
Word count. Approximately 330 words against the ~200-word brief — about 65% over. Disciplined relative to the candidate 2018-005 (460w) and 2018-001 (420w) Part As, but still over-target.
What holds this back from 5*. Three patterns recur: (1) tangled relative clauses (which provide balanced diet designated and healthy, lines 25–26; examples in their textbook, lines 30–31); (2) word-form / preposition slips (broaden our students’ horizon line 5, take a look of lines 5–6, a special day of Hong Kong line 11, hope this trip would relieve line 13); (3) the wildcard topic (history-via-museum-games, lines 30–37) is named but not developed beyond the abstract claim. The 5* and 5** Part As in this year either name specific Sky100 features (the historical photo panel, the binoculars) or invent a concrete activity (candidate 2018-005’s Lunch with Big Brothers); candidate 2018-006’s ‘museum-like room’ gestures at a Sky100 feature but doesn’t commit to one.
The safety reasoning is a small but real strength. “We will not be taking public transport to prevent mishaps.” (lines 19–20). The candidate is the only one of the four 2018 MSC candidates to explicitly justify the bus-vs-MTR choice on safety grounds. Parents respond to the framing.
Dietary-needs paragraph is well placed. Mentioning vegetarian options and allergens (lines 26–28) with an explicit follow-up channel (notify me through email) treats the parent as a participant in trip planning rather than a passive consenter. The 5* / 5** Part As in 2018 don’t handle dietary needs at all.
Strengths to praise
1. The bus-for-safety reasoning is the standout (lines 17–20)
“As we would like to ensure the safety of students, we will not be taking public transport to prevent mishaps.” The only 2018 Part A to explicitly justify the transport choice on safety grounds. A parent reading this sentence feels the school has thought about risk — one of the strongest parent-letter moves possible.
2. Dietary-needs handling, with a contact channel (lines 26–28)
Naming vegetarian needs and allergens specifically, plus a direct ‘notify me through email’ channel, gives parents a clear action path. The implicit message: the school knows your child might have specific needs and is asking proactively.
3. The HKDSE-stress framing arrives early (lines 11–14)
“In view of students suffering from great academic stress, I hope this trip would relieve students’ pressure from their heavy schoolwork.” The candidate names exam stress as a real condition (not a stylistic flourish) and frames the trip as therapeutic. The framing is shared with candidate 2018-005’s Part A and 2018-001’s Part A; this version is the most concise of the three.
4. Word-count discipline
~330 words is the second-most disciplined Part A in 2018 (after 2018-004’s 280-word piece). Every paragraph carries one substantive section — opening, date / purpose, transport / cost / lunch, dietary / curriculum link, close. The structural skeleton is real.
5. The reply-slip deadline is named (lines 42–44)
“Please return the reply slip on or before 14th September to the school.” Specific calendar date, specific action verb (return), specific recipient (the school). Real teacher letters end with this kind of action item; many candidate letters end with a soft farewell.
6. The closing salutation is conventional (lines 45–46)
“Yours sincerely, Chris Wong, Class Teacher of 6A.” Three lines, correctly ordered (closing · name · role). Simple but the genre rewards it.
Grammar notes
| Issue | Explanation |
|---|---|
(line 5) broaden our students’ horizon → broaden our students’ horizons | The idiom is plural: broaden one’s horizons. |
(lines 5–6) take a look of → take a look at | Take a look takes at: take a look at the photo, take a look at the data. |
(line 11) a special day of Hong Kong → a special day for Hong Kong | Special day with a place takes for: a special day for the city, a special day for the school. |
(line 13) I hope this trip would relieve → I hope this trip will relieve | After hope, the standard form is the indicative future (will), not the conditional (would). Would works after wish or in hypothetical conditionals. |
(line 17) going to sky100 by bus which is already booked → going to sky100 by a bus which is already booked | Missing indefinite article. By a bus if specific; by bus if generic mode. The relative-clause modifier which is already booked makes the noun specific. |
(line 19) we will not taking public transport → we will not be taking public transport | Missing auxiliary be for the future continuous. |
(line 22) worth for a visit → worth a visit / worth visiting | Worth takes a noun or gerund directly: worth a visit, worth visiting, worth the trip. No for. |
(line 23) as the trip lasted → as the trip lasts | Tense slip: the trip is in the future, not the past. Lasts (present, with future sense). |
(lines 24–25) having lunch on the restaurant in sky100 → having lunch at the restaurant at sky100 | Two preposition slips: on the restaurant → at the restaurant; in sky100 → at sky100. |
(lines 25–26) which provide balanced designated and healthy for students → which provides a balanced and healthy diet for students | Three issues: subject-verb agreement (which provides), missing article (a balanced diet), and the word designated doesn’t fit (the candidate may have meant designed, but the simpler fix is to drop it). |
(line 23) 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. → suspicious time-span; should likely be earlier end-time | A 10-to-9 trip is 11 hours and ends after sunset. For Form 6 students on a school trip, this is implausible — almost certainly a numeric slip (probably 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. or similar). Lunch at the sky100 restaurant at 9 p.m. would also be late dinner, not lunch. |
(line 29) students get to learn → students will get to learn | Future-tense alignment with the rest of the trip description. |
(line 43) turn in the reply slip → return the reply slip / hand in the reply slip | Turn in is AmE / school-Spanish-English; return or hand in are the HK / BrE forms. |
(lines 40–41) you will be permitted to join this school trip → your child will be permitted by you to join this school trip | The candidate’s you will be permitted reads as if the parent is being asked permission to attend. The intended sense is that the parent permits their child. |
Style suggestions (where Level 5 could become 5*)
Categories:
Fluency sentence flow, collocations, rhythm.
Authenticity places that sound student-y or translated; how a native voice would say it.
Text-type fit matching the conventions of the genre — here, a formal parent letter.
line refs link a suggestion back to specific lines in the transcript above.
Suggestion 1 · tighten the opening and name the date first
Text-type fit
lines 3–9
Original: “I’m writing to inform you of the school trip next month, in order to broaden our students’ horizons and let them take a look at the mesmerizing side of this concrete jungle we are all living in. I will be taking my fellow students on a school trip to Sky100. Here are the details of the trip.”
Try: “6A will be visiting Sky100 on Monday 1st October — an afternoon spent looking out over the city we all live in. This letter sets out the details.”
The candidate’s opener takes two sentences to do what one can. Naming the date in the lead is the parent-letter convention; the ‘mesmerizing concrete jungle’ phrase, while striking, sits oddly in a parent letter.
Suggestion 2 · the 10am-9pm timing is implausible
Text-type fit
lines 23–24
Original: “As the trip lasts from 10 a.m. to 9 p.m., we will be having lunch at the restaurant at sky100…”
Try: revise to a realistic span (e.g., 9am-3pm), and have lunch at noon, not 9pm.
The original’s 11-hour trip ending after sunset isn’t something a parent of a Form 6 student would readily approve. Even ignoring the time-of-day issue, the lunch reference becomes incoherent if the trip is in evening. A single calendar pass would catch this.
Suggestion 3 · the wildcard topic could commit to a specific Sky100 feature
Text-type fit
lines 29–37
Original: “students will get to learn about the history of Hong Kong through visiting examples in their textbook… museum-like room where students can step into the past…”
Try: “Sky100’s 360-degree historical photo panel will be the focus of the morning — students will compare images of 1960s Hong Kong with the live view through the window and write a short reflection.”
The candidate gestures at history-learning but doesn’t commit to a specific Sky100 feature. Naming the historical photo panel (a real Sky100 installation) and the short-reflection task converts the abstract claim into something the parent can picture.
Suggestion 4 · the cost section could be a one-line bullet block
Text-type fit
lines 17–28
Original: cost information is woven into prose alongside transport and lunch.
Try (as layout):
• Cost: HK$150 (entrance fee)
• Included: school-arranged coach; lunch at the Sky100 restaurant
• Special diets: please email me by 7th September
• Cost: HK$150 (entrance fee)
• Included: school-arranged coach; lunch at the Sky100 restaurant
• Special diets: please email me by 7th September
The prose version is correct but the parent can’t skim it. Three bullets give the same information in five seconds.
Suggestion 5 · HK English coinages to standardise
Authenticity
lines 6, 15–16, 25, 43
Examples: “mesmerizing concrete jungle… this Hong Kong affluent metropolis… designated and healthy… turn in the reply slip”
Try: mesmerizing concrete jungle → the city skyline; this Hong Kong affluent metropolis → this prosperous city; designated and healthy → (drop designated); turn in → return.
Each is a single-word fix. Together they remove the small register flickers that hold the piece in Level 5 rather than 5*.
Professional rewrite — the cost / lunch / dietary paragraph (text-type fit + authenticity)
Professional rewrite — the logistics block (lines 17–28)
The middle paragraph carries the most concrete information in the letter (transport, cost, lunch, dietary needs) but it tangles in places. A professional rewrite cleans the prose, fixes the timing, and presents the parent with information they can act on.
The student’s paragraph (corrected)
We will be going to Sky100 by a bus, which is already booked by the school. As we would like to ensure the safety of students, we will not be taking public transport to prevent mishaps. The entrance fee of Sky100 is $150, which is definitely worth it for a visit to the highest observation deck in Hong Kong. As the trip lasts from 10 a.m. to 9 p.m., we will be having lunch at the restaurant at Sky100, which provides a balanced and healthy diet for students. For special requirements such as vegetarian needs or students being allergic to certain ingredients, please feel free to notify me through email.
Rewritten by a professional letter-writer
A coach booked by the school will take the class to Sky100; we have avoided public transport to keep the group together and the journey safe. The day runs from 9am at the school gate to 3pm at the same gate, with lunch at the Sky100 restaurant included (a balanced set meal with vegetarian options on request). The cost is HK$150 per student, covering entrance only — the coach and lunch are covered by the school. If your child has allergies or other dietary needs, please email me by 7th September so we can confirm the menu in advance.
What the rewrite is doing differently (text-type fit + authenticity):
- The safety claim becomes a clean statement. To keep the group together and the journey safe. Names the actual reason (group cohesion + safety), not the generic prevent mishaps.
- The time-span is realistic. 9am-3pm matches a school-day trip. 10am-9pm wasn’t something a Form 6 parent would accept.
- The cost / coverage breakdown is unambiguous. HK$150 covering entrance only; coach and lunch covered by the school. The parent reads this and knows what they pay and what they get.
- The dietary deadline is explicit. By 7th September. The candidate’s feel free to notify doesn’t set a deadline; the rewrite gives the school enough time to confirm with the venue.
- Vegetarian options are folded into the lunch claim. A balanced set meal with vegetarian options on request. The candidate handles dietary needs in a separate sentence; integrating them into the lunch description signals that the school has already thought about this.
Vocabulary to notice
| Word | Definition | Usage notes |
|---|---|---|
| broaden one’s horizons | (idiom) to widen one’s knowledge or experience. | Always plural horizons. Common in school-trip letters: broaden their horizons through travel. |
| mesmerizing | (adj.) capturing one’s attention completely. | Pairs with view, performance, beauty. Slightly poetic; sits high in trip-letter register. |
| concrete jungle | (n. phrase) a city dominated by tall buildings, especially viewed critically. | Often pejorative when used to describe Hong Kong; usually paired with a contrast (concrete jungle vs natural beauty). The candidate’s ‘mesmerizing side of this concrete jungle’ tries to reclaim the phrase. |
| affluent metropolis | (n. phrase) a wealthy major city. | HK / news-feature register. Often paired: a vibrant, affluent metropolis. |
| balanced diet | (n. phrase) a diet that includes a variety of foods in healthy proportions. | Pairs with provide, offer, eat, maintain: a balanced and healthy diet. The candidate’s phrasing nearly there. |
| vegetarian | (adj./n.) a person who does not eat meat. | Distinct from vegan (no animal products at all). Standard term in HK school-letter dietary-needs sections. |
| allergic (to) | (adj.) having an adverse reaction to a substance. | Takes to: allergic to peanuts, allergic to shellfish. The candidate’s use is correct. |
| notify (someone of / about) | (v.) to inform formally. | Takes of or about: notify me of your decision, notify me about any changes. More formal than tell. |
| mishap | (n.) an unfortunate accident. | Slightly literary; prevent mishaps is acceptable but avoid accidents is more direct. |
| reply slip | (n. phrase) the tear-off form returned to confirm participation. | Standard HK school-letter convention. Always paired with return, hand in, sign. |
| turn in (sth.) | (phr. v., AmE) to submit or hand in. | BrE / HK English uses hand in or return. The candidate’s turn in works in informal contexts but sits less naturally in HK formal letters. |
Leave a Reply