Letter to Parents — Sky100 School Trip (‘Lunch with Big Brothers’)
Question prompt — Q1 (Part A, compulsory)
You are Chris Wong, the class teacher of 6A. You will be taking your class on a school trip next month to sky100, shown in the poster below. Write a letter to parents giving them the necessary information about the trip. You may use the mindmap to help you write your letter. (~200 words)
Poster details: Sky100 Hong Kong Observation Deck · 100/F ICC · 1 Austin Road West Kowloon · Entrance fee: $150 · Opening hours: 10am–9pm · tagline: “Highest indoor observation deck in the city!”
Mindmap (suggested topics): Transportation · Cost · Purpose of trip · Lunch · ? (one blank for the candidate to fill).
Mindmap (suggested topics): Transportation · Cost · Purpose of trip · Lunch · ? (one blank for the candidate to fill).
Show original handwritten pages (3)
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear or word almost certainly slipped |
margin numbers every 5 lines match the booklet’s printed margin
Booklet p.3 (lines 1–23)
1Dear Parents,
2I am writing to inform you about the relevant details
3of the school trip to be held next month, which is
4prepared for F.6A students. As one of our
5school’s major concerns this year is to promote innovative
6activities for students to learn outside classrooms the classroom in a
7bid to widen their horizons, I believe that travelling
8to Sky100, (located in Tsim Sha Tsui) would be a golden
9opportunity to open the eyes of 6A students. The details
10will be included as follows.
11Regarding the purpose of the trip, I would say that the
12ultimate goal is to cultivate students’ hearts of appreciation
13towards Hong Kong and the hard toil of their predecessors
14in building Hong Kong. During the trip, students will get
15the chance to go up to the observation deck at 100/F
16of Sky100, which indeed is the highest spot in our city.
17The authentic and magnificent view of the sky line skyline and skyscrapers located
18on the Hong Kong Island would incontrovertibly create a
19feast for the eyes of students. From commercial centres to
20housings housing estates, from highways to streets, from big lorries to ferries
21on the sea — all these provide a comprehensive picture of
22of Hong Kong for our students to witness. In On the observation deck, there
23would also be an exhibition featuring the transformation
Booklet p.4 (lines 24–43)
24of Hong Kong from a fishing village into a vibrant metropolis.
25Through examining the contrast between the view in the
26past and the view in front of them in at Sky100, they would
27definitely be shocked about by the valiant efforts their predecessors
28made in transforming Hong Kong into an enchanting city. Ultimately,
29it is hoped that their sence sense of belonging to Hong Kong can be
30cultivated, encouraging them to do their best to keep the
31luster lustre of Hong Kong, echoing our school motto —
32‘One for All, All for One’.
33After illustrating the vision of the school trip, I would
34like to include the details of the trip for your reference.
35The date of the school trip would be on 17th April,
36Wednesday, which is right after the test period, and the
37gathering venue would be the school gate as we have
38hired a coach to bring the students from our school to
39Sky100. The fee for this trip would be $680, including
40the entrance fee, coach fee and the cost of the lunch.
41The gathering time is 7:30am and the dismissal time is
423:30pm at the school gate.
43In case you may wonder why the trip will last for such a
Booklet p.5 (lines 44–68, supplementary sheet)
44long period, I would like to proudly introduce one more
45breathtaking activity during the trip — ‘Lunch with Big
46Brothers’. We have invited guests from different fields,
47including government officers, accountants, doctors and even
48construction workers, to chit-chat with 6A students during
49the lunch break at the 30th floor of Sky100, featuring
50a mini-buffet. I strongly believe that students
51can reap benefits from the conversation with the working
52adults, as they will get a better glimpse on of how they
53fought tooth and nail for the benefit of the city, which
54once again meshes with the vision of this trip.
55Thank you for spending time in reading this letter, and
56I sincerely believe that this school trip would
57be absolutely entertaining and meaningful to your child.
58I hereby earnestly hope that you will give endorsement
59to your child in for joining the trip. Please be reminded
60that the deadline for application is 5th April. Should
61you have any enquiries, feel free to contact me through
62email. I look forward to receiving your reply.
63Yours faithfully,
64[signature: Chris]
65Chris Wong
66Class Teacher of 6A
67ABC College
Marks earned: 18 + 20 = 38 / 42 (5* at the 5*/5** boundary). M1 = ^18 (adjusted), M2 = ^20 (adjusted); closest pair used. The Part B Q5 in the same booklet is 21 + 21 = 42/42 PERFECT — so Candidate 2018-005’s overall English Language subject grade is 5** and this Part A is the weaker half of an extraordinary script.
Word count. Approximately 460 words against the ~200-word brief — more than twice over. Comparable to the other strong 2018 Part As but the only one to add a fully-developed creative invention.
The standout move: “Lunch with Big Brothers”. The candidate fills the mindmap’s wildcard slot with an invented programme element (lines 44–54): working adults from different professions (government officers, accountants, doctors, construction workers) invited to a mini-buffet on Sky100’s 30th-floor restaurant, chatting with the students during the lunch break. The justification (they will get a better glimpse of how they fought tooth and nail for the benefit of the city) closes the loop with the trip’s thesis (cultivate appreciation for predecessors’ hard toil). No other 2018 Part A in the collection invents an additional activity on this scale.
The school motto and the school name. Two small but distinguishing details: the candidate names the school’s motto (‘One for All, All for One’, lines 31–32) and signs off with the school name (ABC College, line 67). Both are deliberate text-type fit moves that signal genre awareness — real school letters carry a motto in the letterhead and a school name in the sign-off.
Date concretely fixed. The candidate names 17th April Wednesday as the trip date (line 35) and 5th April as the application deadline (line 60) — 12 days apart, which is a realistic school-letter cadence. The other 2018 letters tend to leave dates fuzzier.
Word count. Approximately 460 words against the ~200-word brief — more than twice over. Comparable to the other strong 2018 Part As but the only one to add a fully-developed creative invention.
The standout move: “Lunch with Big Brothers”. The candidate fills the mindmap’s wildcard slot with an invented programme element (lines 44–54): working adults from different professions (government officers, accountants, doctors, construction workers) invited to a mini-buffet on Sky100’s 30th-floor restaurant, chatting with the students during the lunch break. The justification (they will get a better glimpse of how they fought tooth and nail for the benefit of the city) closes the loop with the trip’s thesis (cultivate appreciation for predecessors’ hard toil). No other 2018 Part A in the collection invents an additional activity on this scale.
The school motto and the school name. Two small but distinguishing details: the candidate names the school’s motto (‘One for All, All for One’, lines 31–32) and signs off with the school name (ABC College, line 67). Both are deliberate text-type fit moves that signal genre awareness — real school letters carry a motto in the letterhead and a school name in the sign-off.
Date concretely fixed. The candidate names 17th April Wednesday as the trip date (line 35) and 5th April as the application deadline (line 60) — 12 days apart, which is a realistic school-letter cadence. The other 2018 letters tend to leave dates fuzzier.
Strengths to praise
1. “Lunch with Big Brothers” is the most ambitious creative invention in the 2018 Part A set (lines 44–54)
An invented programme element — working adults from different professions visiting Sky100’s 30th-floor restaurant for a mini-buffet conversation with 6A. The candidate has noticed that the prompt’s mindmap allows a wildcard topic and used it to build something genuinely school-realistic. Four named professions (government officers, accountants, doctors, construction workers) frame the conversation as cross-class encounter, not generic networking. This is the move that lifts the letter above ‘competent’ into the 5*/5** zone.
2. The historical-comparison framing is conceptually mature (lines 25–28)
“Through examining the contrast between the view in the past and the view in front of them at Sky100, they would definitely be shocked by the valiant efforts their predecessors made in transforming Hong Kong into an enchanting city.” The candidate names the pedagogical mechanism (contrast between past and present view) and the emotional outcome (shocked by valiant efforts of predecessors) in one sentence. Hong Kong’s ‘fishing village to metropolis’ narrative is a stock theme; the candidate makes the trip the moment students see the story.
3. The school motto closes the purpose paragraph (lines 30–32)
“… encouraging them to do their best to keep the lustre of Hong Kong, echoing our school motto — ‘One for All, All for One’.” Tying the trip’s civic outcome to the school’s stated values in one sentence is the kind of institutional alignment marker headmasters look for. No other 2018 Part A in the collection invokes a school motto.
4. The logistics are dated concretely (lines 35–42, 60)
17th April Wednesday for the trip; 5th April for the reply-slip deadline; $680 total cost (entrance + coach + lunch). Three concrete numbers a parent can act on, anchored to specific calendar dates. The 2018-001 letter and the other 2018 letters are softer on dates.
5. The first-person plural is sustained (throughout)
Our school’s major concerns… we have hired a coach… we have invited guests… our school motto. The candidate writes from the institutional ‘we’, which is the correct voice for a class teacher writing on the school’s behalf. The voice is rarely lost across the letter’s length.
6. The close lands on a specific action item (lines 60–62)
“The deadline for application is 5th April. Should you have any enquiries, feel free to contact me through email.” A real parent-letter close: deadline first, then contact channel. The candidate avoids the common trap of an open-ended close (‘feel free to ask any questions’) without an actual ask attached.
Grammar notes
| Issue | Explanation |
|---|---|
(line 5) one of our school major concerns → one of our school’s major concerns | Missing possessive apostrophe. The concerns belong to the school: the school’s concerns. |
(line 6) learn outside classrooms → learn outside the classroom | The set phrase is outside the classroom (singular, definite). Outside classrooms (bare plural) reads literally as ‘outside the physical rooms’. |
(line 9) open the eyes of 6A students → ok / minor | Acceptable. Open one’s eyes to usually takes to + noun (open their eyes to the city), but the candidate’s adapted use is defensible. |
(line 12) cultivate students’ hearts of appreciation → cultivate students’ appreciation | Hearts of appreciation is a near-translation that doesn’t collocate in English. Cultivate appreciation is the standard formulation. |
(line 18) incontrovertibly create a feast for the eyes → ok / slightly elevated | Grammatically fine but the adverb incontrovertibly belongs to argumentative writing, not visual description. Alternatives: undoubtedly, certainly. |
(lines 19–20) from commercial centres to housings, from highways to streets, from big lorries to ferries on the sea → refine housings | Housings is a non-standard plural; the standard noun is housing (uncountable). From commercial centres to housing estates works. |
(line 22) In the observation deck → On the observation deck | An observation deck is a surface, not a container. On the deck (parallel to on the platform). |
(line 27) shocked about valiant efforts → shocked by the valiant efforts | Shocked takes by (passive agent), not about. About works for surprise (surprised about, surprised at) but not shocked. |
(line 29) sence of belonging → sense of belonging | Spelling slip; sense. |
(line 31) luster → lustre | BrE / HK English uses lustre. The candidate writes luster here; the BrE spelling is the standard for the rest of HK school correspondence. |
(line 52) a better glimpse on → a better glimpse of | Glimpse takes of: a glimpse of the past, a glimpse of the city. |
(lines 58–59) endorsement to your child in joining → endorsement for your child’s participation in / endorsement for your child to join | The construction endorsement to X in Y isn’t standard; endorsement for X to Y is. |
(line 55) spending time in reading this letter → spending time reading this letter | The standard form is spend time + gerund, no preposition. In reading is a near-translation pattern. |
Style suggestions (where strong writing could become outstanding)
Categories:
Fluency sentence flow, collocations, rhythm.
Authenticity places that sound student-y or translated; how a native voice would say it.
Text-type fit matching the conventions of the genre — here, a formal parent letter.
line refs link a suggestion back to specific lines in the transcript above.
Suggestion 1 · lead with the trip date, not the framing sentence
Text-type fit
lines 2–10
Original opening: a long sentence about the school’s major concerns and innovative activities, followed by the venue, then “The details will be included as follows.”
Try: “6A will be visiting Sky100 in Tsim Sha Tsui on Wednesday 17th April. The trip is part of the school’s effort this year to bring learning outside the classroom. This letter has the details.”
Real parent letters announce the trip first (when, where) and explain the rationale second. The candidate’s opener reverses that order and asks the parent to absorb the school’s philosophy before the trip name appears.
Suggestion 2 · the “Lunch with Big Brothers” needs a more grounded label
Authenticity
lines 44–46
Original: “I would like to proudly introduce one more breathtaking activity during the trip — ‘Lunch with Big Brothers’.”
Try: “One more reason for the longer day: we are hosting a sit-down lunch on the 30th floor with four professionals from across the city — a government officer, a doctor, an accountant, and a construction worker. The class will spend an hour eating with them and asking questions.”
The name ‘Lunch with Big Brothers’ is creative but reads slightly cute/childish for a parent letter (‘Big Brothers’ has Orwellian and adoption-charity connotations the candidate isn’t aware of). Describing the event without naming it lets the substance speak; if a name is needed, ‘Career Conversation Lunch’ or simply ‘a guest lunch’ fits the genre better.
Suggestion 3 · the cost paragraph could be a bulleted block
Text-type fit
lines 39–42
Original: “The fee for this trip would be $680, including the entrance fee, coach fee and the cost of the lunch.”
Try (as a layout):
• Total cost: HK$680 per student
• Included: Sky100 entrance (~$120 concessionary); coach to and from school; mini-buffet lunch
• Payment: by cheque, due with reply slip by 5 April
• Total cost: HK$680 per student
• Included: Sky100 entrance (~$120 concessionary); coach to and from school; mini-buffet lunch
• Payment: by cheque, due with reply slip by 5 April
Real parent letters use bullets for the financial section so the parent can scan in three seconds. The candidate’s prose version is correct but the parent has to parse it.
Suggestion 4 · the “fought tooth and nail” phrase could be more specific
Authenticity
lines 52–54
Original: “they will get a better glimpse of how they fought tooth and nail for the benefit of the city.”
Try: “they will hear, from the people themselves, what it took to build the city the students see from the deck — the building site, the office, the consulting room.”
The idiom fought tooth and nail is colourful but generic. Naming the three workplaces (building site, office, consulting room) tied to the three professions (construction worker, accountant, doctor) creates a visible map the parent can hold.
Suggestion 5 · compress toward 320 words
Text-type fit
throughout
Original: ~460 words.
Aim: opening + key facts (60w) · purpose paragraph (80w) · logistics block (80w) · Big Brothers paragraph (60w) · close (40w). Target: ~320.
The purpose paragraph (lines 11–32, with the historical-comparison passage) could lose 30-40 words without losing substance; the close repeats the ‘meaningful to your child’ sentiment that the rest of the letter already established.
Professional rewrite — the “Lunch with Big Brothers” paragraph (text-type fit + authenticity)
Professional rewrite — the creative-invention paragraph
This paragraph is the candidate’s most distinctive move and the single biggest reason the marker awarded the M2 = 20. The original carries the substance but loses ground on register (breathtaking activity, Big Brothers, fought tooth and nail). A professional rewrite preserves every element and matches the genre.
The student’s paragraph (corrected)
In case you may wonder why the trip will last for such a long period, I would like to proudly introduce one more breathtaking activity during the trip — ‘Lunch with Big Brothers’. We have invited guests from different fields, including government officers, accountants, doctors and even construction workers, to chit-chat with 6A students during the lunch break at the 30th floor of Sky100, featuring a mini-buffet. I strongly believe that students can reap benefits from the conversation with the working adults, as they will get a better glimpse of how they fought tooth and nail for the benefit of the city, which once again meshes with the vision of this trip.
Rewritten by a professional letter-writer
One element of the day is worth flagging in advance. On the 30th floor, the class will sit down to a small buffet lunch with four working professionals — a government officer, an accountant, a doctor, and a construction worker — one to each table. Each guest will spend an hour with the students, talking about the building site, the office, or the consulting room behind the skyline outside the window. The trip’s purpose is not just to show the students the city; it is to introduce them to the people building it.
What the rewrite is doing differently (text-type fit + authenticity):
- The activity is named in plain English. A small buffet lunch with four working professionals. The candidate’s ‘Lunch with Big Brothers’ tries to brand the activity; the genre rewards describing it.
- The four professions are mapped to four workplaces. Building site, office, consulting room. This turns the abstract list into a visual structure the parent can hold (three workplaces, four guests, one per table).
- The seating arrangement is named. One to each table. Parents read this as my child gets meaningful contact with one adult, not my child sits in a crowd.
- The closing sentence makes the purpose-link explicit. It is to introduce them to the people building it. The candidate’s original closes with meshes with the vision of this trip, which is procedural; the rewrite makes the human meeting the point.
Vocabulary to notice
| Word | Definition | Usage notes |
|---|---|---|
| predecessors | (n.) people who held a position or did work before the current group. | Pairs with honour, learn from, build on, succeed: the work of our predecessors. Slightly formal. |
| valiant | (adj.) showing courage and determination. | Pairs with efforts, attempt, defence, soldier: valiant efforts to save the building. |
| incontrovertibly | (adv.) in a way that is impossible to deny. | Pairs with prove, establish, show. Belongs to argumentative writing; less natural in descriptive contexts. |
| enchanting | (adj.) delightfully charming or attractive. | Pairs with city, view, story, voice. Slightly poetic; works in trip-letter contexts when describing place. |
| lustre (BrE) / luster (AmE) | (n.) a gentle shine or soft glow. | Used metaphorically: the city’s lustre, the lustre of one’s reputation. HK English uses BrE spelling. |
| endorsement | (n.) public or official approval. | Pairs with seek, give, withhold, formal: seek the parent’s endorsement. The candidate uses it in the right context. |
| vibrant metropolis | (n. phrase) a lively, energetic large city. | Common in HK / travel writing about Hong Kong. Standard collocation for the city in trend / travel pieces. |
| fought tooth and nail | (idiom) struggled with great determination. | Informal-ish idiom; works in narrative but sits oddly in a parent-letter logistics section. Alternatives: worked tirelessly, gave everything they had. |
| mesh (with) | (v.) to combine or fit together effectively. | Pairs with plan, vision, schedule, idea: this meshes with our broader vision. The candidate uses it correctly. |
| reap (benefits / rewards) | (v.) to receive or obtain. | Fixed phrase: reap the benefits, reap the rewards, reap what you sow. Works in formal parent-letter contexts. |
| earnestly | (adv.) sincerely and intensely. | Pairs with hope, wish, ask, request: I earnestly hope, I earnestly request. Formal register; HK English / school-letter convention. |
| chit-chat | (v./n., informal) casual conversation. | Conversational register; sits slightly informally in a formal parent letter. Alternative: have a conversation, talk informally. |
| school motto | (n. phrase) a short statement of a school’s values. | Always italicised or in quotes when written out: our school motto, ‘One for All, All for One’. Naming it in a parent letter signals institutional alignment. |
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