‘Passion is the fire that lights your way’ — an advice column to a would-be vet (Part B)

Year: 2018 Part: B Question: Q4 Genre: advice-column reply letter Grade band: 5** (PERFECT) · 5** overall Marks: 21 + 21 = 42 / 42 (perfect agreement at the ceiling) · booklet pp. 8–11 + supp. Candidate: 2018-001

Question prompt — Q4 (Learning English through Social Issues)

You write an advice column for Teen magazine and you have received the following letter:

“I’ve been thinking about my future. I love animals and I’ve always wanted to be a vet. But when I told my parents, the first thing they said was ‘No!’ I feel really frustrated. What should I do?” — J.C., 16 years old

Write a reply giving advice. (about 400 words)

Show original handwritten pages (5)

Booklet p.8 - Question-No. box marked Q4 and the opening of the reply to J.C. — Booklet p.8 — Q4 chosen; opening of the reply

Booklet p.9 - communication advice and the CUHK-to-CityU vet anecdote — Booklet p.9 — communicate; a real-case anecdote

Booklet p.10 - trusting your own abilities, IB top-scorers and the Steve Jobs quotation — Booklet p.10 — trust yourself; role models

Booklet p.11 - internships and personality tests, then the closing — Booklet p.11 — concrete strategies; the close begins

Part B supplementary sheet - the sign-off from Chris Wong, columnist — Booklet p.12 (Part B supp.) — the sign-off

The writing, with corrections marked inline

Legend: green = the candidate’s own insertion | dotted underlineour fix = our small correction | every inline fix has a matching row in Grammar notes. Line numbers show every 5th.

Booklet p.8 (lines 1–20)
1Dear J.C,
2Having read your letter about your frustration in
3your future, I feel compelled to offer you some
4advice. It is understandable that your parents may
5manipulate your career choices, causing you to
6feel bewildered with your aspiration as a vet.
7However, please do not be worrydo not worry as the following
8are several tips for you.
9At the utmost, communication with parents is
10requisite in deciding career pathways. Recently,
11working parents often go back home late after
12work, leading to deficient in time in communicationleading to a lack of time for communication
13with their children. Therefore, you ought to take
14your iniativeinitiative to open up a conversation with your
15parents. The most prominent thing you need to
16ask is the reason why your parents said ’no’
17to your aspiration to be a vet. It can be due to
18questionable career prospects, or lack of money to
19study a qualified vet degree overseas. Concerning
20career prospects, you can try to do some
Booklet p.9 (lines 21–43)
21research on the high demand of vets in Hong Kong and
22their alluring job tasks, so as to persuade your
23parents. Regarding the fees to study overseas, you
24can search for related subsidies or tell them
25the option of studying local degrees in CityU. This
26can alleviate your parents’ worries. Speaking from
27a case incentionedmentioned in South China Morning Post half
28year ago, a girl studying in CUHK medicine
29wanted to transfer to a vet degree in CityU, but
30her parents’ opposition become a barrieropposition became a barrier. She
31contacted me and I advised her to explain her
32passion in animals and the demand of vets to
33her parents. She eventually transcended the
34barrier from her parents and genuified vetand became a qualified vet. Her
35parents even became supportive after seeing her being
36so assiduous in studying vet! Therefore, communication
37with parents is vital…
38Not only should you communicate with your parents,
39but also trust your abilities in pursuing
40your passion, without succumbing to criticisms
41or opinions by others. Steve Job has saidSteve Jobs has said that,
42passion is the fire that lights your way!
43(including your parents.)
Booklet p.10 (lines 44–66)
44You are the controller of your own life, as you
45are the one who is most familiar with your
46own interest, abilities and aptitude, instead of
47your parents. Although your parents may not be
48supportive when you make the decision of being a
49vet, after several months, they will definitely
50be proud of how you pay unremitting efforts to
51your passionate field. You can think of the
52headlines on the day of releasing of public
53examination results, wherewhich some IB top scorers
54pursued their favourite degrees such as
55archaelogyarchaeology in pekingPeking University, or computorcomputer
56degree in londonLondon School of music. In the
57interviews, they mentioned despite some critismscriticisms from
58parents and friends, they still insisted in their
59choices so as to accomplish their ultimate
60life goals. Therefore, please continue to let
61your fire of passion ignite regardless of others’
62opinions.
63It is also pivotal for you to prove to your
64parents how you are interested in
65being a vet by utilizing strategies in
66to your parents.
Booklet p.11 (lines 67–87)
67career and personality aspect. As far as
68career aspect is concerned, I suggest you join
69some internship or volunteer programmes about
70animal care organized by SPCA or animal
71hospitals. Contributing time and effort into these
72activities can enable your parents to understand
73your genuine interest in animals. On the other
74hand, in personality aspect, you can try to
75conduct some personality tests such as the 9 or
7616 types of personality tests, or career aptitude
77tests by the Hong Kong Federation of Youth Groups.
78The results are testaments of your altruism and
79sympathetic attitude towards animals. As such
80your parents can understand your personality
81and realize being a vet is the most
82suitable pathway for you.
83Given the aforementioned advice, I cordially
84hope that this can relieve your frustration
85and bewildernessbewilderment. I wish you success in
86pursuing your aspiration as a vet. If
87you have any further questions, please
Booklet p.12 (Supplementary Answer Sheet for Part B) (lines 88–92)
88feel free to seek my advice again.
89Yours sincerely,
90[signature]
91CHRIS WONG
92Columnist of Teen magazine

Strengths to praise

Textbook command of the advice-column form

Text-type command lines 1–8, 87–92

It opens by naming and validating the reader’s feeling (“It is understandable that your parents may… causing you to feel bewildered”), promises help (“the following are several tips for you”), and closes warmly as a columnist (“feel free to seek my advice again. Yours sincerely, Chris Wong, Columnist of Teen magazine”). Pitch-perfect for the genre.

A genuinely structured argument

Argumentation lines 9–82

The advice builds logically: first communicate with parents and find the real reason for the ‘no’; then address each worry (career prospects, cost); then prove your commitment through internships and aptitude tests. Each tip answers a different part of J.C.’s problem.

Persuasion through concrete evidence

Persuasive technique lines 26–42, 52–60

Three different kinds of proof — a named newspaper case (a CUHK-medicine girl who transferred to a CityU vet degree), the HKDSE/IB top-scorers who chose unusual degrees, and a Steve Jobs quotation. Real, varied evidence is far more convincing than bare assertion.

Warm, mentor-like register held throughout

Voice & register lines 7, 60–62, 83–87

The tone is consistently encouraging without being preachy — “please continue to let your fire of passion ignite regardless of others’ opinions” and the reassuring close. It reads like an adult who genuinely wants to help.

Wide, well-deployed vocabulary

Vocabulary in context lines 9, 36, 40, 78

requisite, assiduous, succumbing to, testaments of your altruism — ambitious words used (almost always) accurately and in natural collocations, which is a hallmark of the top band.

Grammar notes

Issue	Explanation
fix (line 7) `please do not be worry` → `please do not worry`	Verb form. Worry is already a verb, so be is wrong; either do not worry or, with the adjective, do not be worried. Do not be worry mixes the two.
fix (line 12) `leading to deficient in time in communication` → `leading to a lack of time for communication`	Adjective used as a noun. Deficient is an adjective and cannot follow leading to; you need a noun — a deficiency in / a lack of. The doubled in…in is also awkward: a lack of time for communication.
fix (line 14) `your iniative to open up a conversation` → `your initiative…`	Spelling. Initiative has a second t: i-n-i-t-i-a-t-i-v-e. The phrase itself — take the initiative to — is idiomatic and well chosen.
fix (line 27) `a case incentioned in South China Morning Post` → `a case mentioned…`	Word formation. Incentioned is not a word — the intended verb is mentioned (or reported): a case mentioned in the South China Morning Post. Add the before the newspaper’s name.
fix (line 30) `her parents’ opposition become a barrier` → `…became a barrier`	Tense. The anecdote is in the past, so the past tense is needed: became, not the base form become. (The same verb is used correctly elsewhere; here it slipped.)
fix (line 34) `transcended the barrier… and genuified vet` → `…and became a qualified vet`	Invented word + missing verb. Genuified is not a word and the clause has no finite verb; the meaning is and became a qualified vet. Keep a clear subject–verb: she… became a qualified vet.
fix (line 41) `Steve Job has said that` → `Steve Jobs has said…`	Proper noun. The Apple founder is Steve Jobs (with s). Quoting a named authority is excellent technique — just spell the name correctly.
fix (line 55) `archaelogy in peking University` → `archaeology in Peking University`	Spelling. Archaeology keeps the -aeo-: a-r-c-h-a-e-o-l-o-g-y. (See the next two rows for the capitals and computer.)
fix (line 55) `or computor degree` → `or a computer degree`	Spelling. Computer ends -er, not -or. An article also helps: a computer-science degree.
fix (line 55) `peking University… london School of music` → `Peking… London… Music`	Capitalisation. Proper nouns take capitals: Peking University, London School of Music. Names of specific institutions are always capitalised.
fix (line 57) `despite some critisms from parents` → `…some criticisms…`	Spelling. Criticisms = c-r-i-t-i-c-i-s-m-s (the candidate spells it in full correctly at line 40; here a syllable dropped out).
fix (line 65) `by utilizing strategies in / to your parents` → `…by showing these strategies to your parents`	Garbled clause across the page-break. After deleting to your parents the writer left by utilizing strategies in then re-added to your parents on the next line, so the preposition reads in to. Tidy to one clean phrase, e.g. …prove to your parents how committed you are by showing them these strategies.
fix (line 85) `relieve your frustration and bewilderness` → `…and bewilderment`	Word formation. The noun from bewildered is bewilderment, not bewilderness. (The candidate uses bewildered correctly at line 6.)
notice (line 10) `requisite in deciding career pathways`	Precise, formal word. Requisite (= required, necessary) is exactly right and elevates the register without sounding forced.
notice (line 36) `so assiduous in studying vet`	Advanced, well-used adjective. Assiduous (= showing great care and diligence) fits the diligent-student idea precisely; a strong band-5 vocabulary choice.
notice (line 42) `passion is the fire that lights your way`	Vivid, apt metaphor — and tied to a real authority (Steve Jobs). Memorable closing image for a paragraph; persuasive without being clichéd.

Style suggestions

How to read these: fluency smoother, more varied sentences | authenticity a truer, more natural voice | text-type sharper advice-column conventions

Thin out the repeated ‘your parents’

fluency lines 38–47

“communicate with your parents, but also trust your abilities… instead of your parents. Although your parents may not be supportive…”

“communicate with them, but also trust your own abilities… Although they may not be supportive at first…”

Your parents recurs many times; pronouns (them / they) once the referent is clear keep the prose from feeling repetitive.

Split the long anecdote sentence

fluency lines 26–35

“Speaking from a case incentioned in South China Morning Post half year ago, a girl studying in CUHK medicine wanted to transfer… but her parents’ opposition become a barrier.”

“The South China Morning Post recently reported a similar case. A CUHK medical student wanted to transfer to a vet degree at CityU, but her parents objected.”

One idea per sentence makes the evidence land harder; it also fixes ‘half year ago’ (→ half a year ago / recently).

Untangle the ‘prove… strategies’ clause

fluency lines 63–67

“it is also pivotal for you to prove… how you are interested in being a vet by utilizing strategies in to your parents.”

“It is also vital to show your parents how committed you are, using the two strategies below.”

This is the one genuinely tangled sentence; rebuilding it removes the stray in to and the repetition left by the crossing-out.

Lead the close with the reassurance

text-type lines 83–88

“Given the aforementioned advice, I cordially hope that this can relieve your frustration and bewilderness.”

“I hope this advice eases some of your frustration.”

Advice columns usually sign off briefly and personally; given the aforementioned is a little legalistic for Teen magazine.

Smooth the lead-in to the tips

fluency lines 7–9

“please do not be worry as the following are several tips for you. At the utmost, communication…”

“please don’t worry — here are a few things you can try. First and most importantly, talk to your parents…”

At the utmost is not idiomatic for ‘most importantly’; a plain connector reads more naturally to a teen reader.

Name the two strands explicitly

text-type lines 67–75

“career and personality aspect. As far as career aspect is concerned… in personality aspect, you can try…”

“there are two things you can do — one practical, one about who you are. First, on the practical side… Second…”

Signposting the two strands in plain words is friendlier than the repeated aspect, and keeps the long middle section easy to follow.

Trust the quotation — don’t over-explain

authenticity lines 41–43

“Steve Job has said that, passion is the fire that lights your way! (including your parents.)”

“As Steve Jobs said, passion is the fire that lights your way.”

The bracketed ‘(including your parents.)’ muddies a strong line; let the quotation stand on its own.

Prefer plain verbs in places

authenticity lines 5, 50

“your parents may manipulate your career choices”; “pay unremitting efforts”

“your parents may try to steer your career choices”; “make unremitting efforts”

Manipulate is harsher than the empathetic tone intends, and we make (not pay) efforts — small collocation tweaks that keep the warm voice.

Strong moment worth teaching from

Persuading with a real, named case

A couple of slips (incentioned, become) but the technique is the lesson.

“Speaking from a case incentioned in South China Morning Post half year ago, a girl studying in CUHK medicine wanted to transfer to a vet degree in CityU, but her parents’ opposition become a barrier. She contacted me and I advised her to explain her passion in animals and the demand of vets to her parents. She eventually transcended the barrier…” (lines 26–35)

Instead of vague encouragement, the writer reaches for a specific, sourced parallel case — and even casts the columnist as the person who helped. Concrete evidence like this is what separates a persuasive reply from a generic one; the lesson for students is to support advice with a named example wherever they can.

Professional rewrite — the tangled ‘prove your commitment’ sentence

Model rewrite

Rebuilding the one genuinely garbled sentence (the crossing-out left a stray ‘in to’), keeping the writer’s meaning.

Student (verbatim, edits folded in)

It is also pivotal for you to prove how you are interested in being a vet by utilizing strategies in to your parents. Career and personality aspect. As far as career aspect is concerned, I suggest you join some internship or volunteer programmes about animal care organized by SPCA or animal hospitals.

Professional version

It is also vital to show your parents how committed you are, and there are two ways to do this — one practical, one personal. On the practical side, join an internship or volunteer programme in animal care, run by the SPCA or an animal hospital.

Vocabulary to notice

Word & alternatives	Definition	Usage notes
requisite necessary, essential, indispensable	(adj./n.) required for a purpose; a thing that is needed.	“communication… is requisite in deciding career pathways”. Formal; as an adjective often before the noun (the requisite skills).
bewildered confused, perplexed, baffled	(adj.) completely puzzled or confused.	“causing you to feel bewildered”. Noun is bewilderment (not bewilderness); verb bewilder.
assiduous diligent, industrious, sedulous	(adj.) showing great care, effort and persistence.	“so assiduous in studying vet”. High-register praise for hard work; adverb assiduously.
succumb (to) give in, yield, surrender	(v.) to stop resisting something; to give way to pressure.	“without succumbing to criticisms”. Always with to; also succumb to illness/temptation.
unremitting relentless, ceaseless, unflagging	(adj.) never relaxing or stopping.	“pay unremitting efforts” (better: make unremitting efforts). Pairs with effort, pressure, care.
altruism selflessness, generosity, benevolence	(n.) unselfish concern for the welfare of others.	“testaments of your altruism”. Adjective altruistic; apt for caring about animals’ welfare.
aspiration ambition, goal, dream	(n.) a strong desire to achieve something.	“your aspiration as a vet” / “pursuing your aspiration”. Often plural (career aspirations); verb aspire to.