Letter to the Editor — Young Entrepreneur Defends Fresh Graduates
Question prompt — Q9, Learning English through Workplace Communication
It has recently been claimed that in the workplace many Hong Kong fresh university graduates are less hard-working and less willing to face challenges compared to those in the past. You strongly disagree with this opinion. Write a letter to the editor of the Hong Kong Daily disagreeing with this opinion. Support your view with three reasons and/or examples. (~400 words)
Show original handwritten pages (4)
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear or syntax broken
Booklet p.9 (lines 1–22)
1Dear Editor,
2
3I am writing in response to the letter titled ‘Fresh university graduates
4lack the willingness to work hard and combat with combat challenges’ dated 7
5April 2017. As a young entrepreneur, I am strongly against such a claim
6due to the following reasons.
7
8In fact, fresh university graduates in Hong Kong are willing to explore
9new business opportunities in the society, providing a concrete evidence that
10they are not afraid of challenges. The 21st century is a century of
11technological advancement, and the Internet has provided the young generation
12with a flood of new business opportunities and they are not afraid of possible failures.
13A lot of new university graduates in our city actively set up their
14own businesses online. Even online stores to online music media From online stores to online media
15platforms, one glaring example of this new type of business is ‘9GAG’, which is a Facebook
16page that gets attention and views [not only] in Hong Kong but also in
17foreign countries. Their willingness to develop this brand new type of business
18illustrates the fact that they are willing to face challenges, not to mention
19the hard work they have devoted in maintaining the operation of their own
20business and obtaining economic success. How would it be reasonable
21to call the fresh university graduates ‘lazy’ and ‘easily defeated by
22challenges’?
Booklet p.10 (lines 23–47)
23Yet, some employers may complain that they are spending their time on
24social networking sites instead of doing their work during their working hours.
25It must be acknowledged that a lot of some fresh university graduates are not
26paying full attention to their work. [However, it is also worth noting that]
27a lot of foreign companies are trying to understand entertainment in their
28work integrate entertainment into the workplace, with Google being one of
29the most notable examples. [Google’s offices have games and informal
30lounges, and employees who use them are not seen as ‘lazy’.] By comparison,
31the work culture in Hong Kong is too political and traditional often rigid
32and traditional, and the fresh university graduates should not be blamed for
33seeking a different way of working.
34
35Some people in the workplace may also claim that fresh university
36graduates in Hong Kong simply do not enjoy hard work or even any form
37of work. They may indicate that graduates are easily defeated by challenges,
38but this actually reflects that some poor problematic leadership is the major
39cause for making some new employees passive. For instance, One has
40been a piece of news in which a recent news report described an employer
41turned the fired who fired ten of his employees in one day, without proper
42standard or basic guideline; the firing has caused a lot of controversy
43in the city. Critics argued that this was not graduates’ unwillingness
44to work hard, but rather management’s some own failure to motivate
45workers in the workplace. These people, however, overlooked the fact
46that the younger generation is seeking challenges and improvement
47from the future and the generation to my own community
Booklet p.11 (lines 48–69)
48both for themselves and for the wider community. They are willing to put in
49the work; they just want to know it is going somewhere.
50
51As a young entrepreneur, I strongly understand believe that the young
52generation are misunderstood, not unwilling. I hope that with effective
53standardised and respectful leadership, the city and can try to communicate more
54with their fresh employees and treat the them as future leaders of
55our society.
Booklet p.12 (lines 70–71) — sign-off only; rest of page blank
70Yours sincerely,
71Chris Wong
Word count. ~700 words against the 400-word brief — almost double. Length is the largest single issue; the prose dilutes the strong arguments by spreading them over too much paper.
The young-entrepreneur persona is the letter’s strongest asset. Identifying as a young entrepreneur (rather than the standard “millennial”) gives the letter a more specific, harder-to-dismiss voice. The 9GAG example, however dated, anchors the argument in something Hong Kong readers recognise. Two paragraphs — the Google paragraph and the closing paragraph — tangle in the prose, which holds the letter back from its argumentative ceiling.
The young-entrepreneur persona is the letter’s strongest asset. Identifying as a young entrepreneur (rather than the standard “millennial”) gives the letter a more specific, harder-to-dismiss voice. The 9GAG example, however dated, anchors the argument in something Hong Kong readers recognise. Two paragraphs — the Google paragraph and the closing paragraph — tangle in the prose, which holds the letter back from its argumentative ceiling.
Strengths to praise
1. The “young entrepreneur” persona
Positioning the speaker as a working entrepreneur recasts the argument as testimony rather than self-pity — harder for the addressee to dismiss than the standard millennial-defends-millennials letter.
2. 9GAG as a specific named example
Citing a real Hong Kong-origin Facebook-driven media outlet as evidence of HK graduates building globally-recognised businesses gives the argument a verifiable anchor. Most candidates argue in the abstract; this one names a brand.
3. The Google work-culture comparison
Setting Hong Kong’s rigid work culture against Google’s deliberate work-play integration reframes “graduates on phones” as a symptom of HK’s workplace conservatism, not graduate laziness. Sophisticated structural move.
4. Leadership as the structural cause
The third argument identifies problematic leadership — not employee character — as the cause of disengagement, anchored in a real news case (mass firing without procedure). Locating the failure in management is the analytical move that earns the top band.
5. Three clearly-distinguishable arguments
Entrepreneurship, sociological (work culture), institutional (management). The three angles don’t overlap and they build on each other — a clean argumentative scaffold.
6. Vocabulary range deployed in real collocations
In response to, concrete evidence, technological advancement, flood of new business opportunities, glaring example, paying full attention, integrate entertainment, problematic leadership, controversy, motivate workers, future leaders — the lexis is appropriately formal-public throughout.
Grammar notes
| Issue | Explanation |
|---|---|
(line 4) combat with challenges → combat challenges |
Combat as a verb is transitive — no preposition needed. |
(line 5) against such claim → against such a claim |
Indefinite article required: such a claim, such an idea, such an event. |
(line 9) providing a concrete evidence → providing concrete evidence |
Evidence is uncountable — takes no article. |
(line 12) not afraid of possible failures → needs a subject |
The clause hangs as a dangling participle. Either give it a subject (they are not afraid…) or fold it into the previous clause as a relative phrase. |
(line 14) Even online stores to online music media → From online stores to online media platforms |
The construction is from X to Y, not even X to Y. Music media also reads off — media platforms is the more general phrase. |
(line 20) How would it be reasonable to call the fresh university graduates ‘lazy’ |
Call takes a direct object + complement, no as: call them lazy, not call them as lazy. (The student avoids as here but the rhetorical question still reads stiff.) |
(lines 27–28) trying to understand entertainment in their work → trying to integrate entertainment into the workplace |
The verb understand doesn’t fit; the writer means integrate / introduce / build in. |
(line 31) too political and traditional → rigid and traditional / excessively hierarchical |
Political doesn’t describe a work culture in this sense (politics = power dynamics, not formality). The writer likely means rigid, formal, hierarchical. |
(lines 39–40) One has been a piece of news in which → There was recently a news report in which |
The original construction doesn’t resolve grammatically. The corrected version introduces a real event cleanly. |
(line 41) turned the fired ten of his employees → fired ten of his employees |
Turned the fired appears to be a slip — possibly conflating turned around and fired. The cleanest correction is to remove turned the. |
(lines 41–42) without proper standard or basic guideline → without due process or proper procedure |
Proper standard / basic guideline are off-register; the standard HR / journalism vocabulary is due process, proper procedure, justified cause. |
(line 47) seeking challenges and improvement from the future and the generation to my own community |
The original sentence collapses. The rewrite reconstructs the most likely intended meaning: seeking challenges and improvement both for themselves and for the wider community. |
(line 51) I strongly understand → I strongly believe |
The verb understand doesn’t take the intensifier strongly. The writer means believe, maintain, argue. |
(line 54) treat the future leaders → treat them as future leaders |
The construction treat X as Y — the as is missing. |
(line 70) Yours sincerely → Yours faithfully |
British convention: Yours faithfully when the addressee is not named (Dear Editor); Yours sincerely when the addressee is named. |
Style suggestions (where strong writing could become outstanding)
Categories:
Fluency sentence flow, collocations, rhythm.
Authenticity places that sound student-y or translated; how a native voice would say it.
Text-type fit matching the conventions of the genre — here, a published letter to the editor.
Suggestion 1 · the dated reference & titled-letter format is a strong start
Text-type fit
lines 3–5
Original: “I am writing in response to the letter titled ‘Fresh university graduates lack the willingness to work hard and combat with challenges’ dated 7 April 2017.”
Keep this as is — it’s a model opening for the letter-to-editor genre. Real published letters always cite the piece being responded to by title and date.
No change needed. This sentence alone signals that the writer understands letter-to-editor conventions. Worth pointing out to students as a template move.
Suggestion 2 · promote the “young entrepreneur” voice harder
Text-type fit
lines 5–6
Original: “As a young entrepreneur, I am strongly against such a claim due to the following reasons.”
Try: “As a fresh graduate myself — one who left a HKEX-listed firm last August to start an online business — I am strongly against the claim.”
The persona is the letter’s most distinctive asset; specifying it (left a listed firm, started an online business, last August) makes the testimony harder to dismiss. The marker should still treat invented detail as fine in this genre.
Suggestion 3 · the 9GAG citation could be tighter
Fluency
lines 14–17
Original: “Even online stores to online music media, one glaring example of this new type of business is ‘9GAG’, which is a Facebook page that gets attention and views in Hong Kong but also in foreign countries.”
Try: “Consider 9GAG — a Hong Kong-founded online media platform now followed by tens of millions of users worldwide, built largely by university graduates in their early twenties.”
The original buries the example in an unfinished “from X to Y” construction. The rewrite leads with the name, the origin, the scale (tens of millions), and the founders’ demographic — the four pieces of information that make 9GAG count as evidence.
Suggestion 4 · rewrite the Google paragraph from scratch
Fluency
lines 27–33
Original: “a lot of foreign companies are trying to understand entertainment in their work, with Google being one of the most notable examples… the work culture in Hong Kong is too political and traditional…”
Try: “Google is the case study most often cited. The company designs its offices around the assumption that creative work happens partly at the table-tennis table — and its productivity numbers have not suffered. HK employers who see a fresh graduate on her phone often see laziness; in Mountain View, the same behaviour is read as the brain catching its breath.”
This paragraph collapses mid-sentence in the original. The rewrite picks a single point (different cultures read the same behaviour differently) and lands it with one named workplace and one named contrast (HK vs Mountain View).
Suggestion 5 · the leadership argument deserves a sharper closing
Text-type fit
lines 45–49
Original: “These people, however, overlooked the fact that the younger generation is seeking challenges and improvement from the future and the generation to my own community.”
Try: “The fresh graduates I work with are not allergic to effort. They are allergic to effort without direction. Show them why the work matters and they will outwork the generation that arrived in offices when a fax machine was new.”
The original ends in a tangle. The rewrite names the writer’s position (I work with), gives a memorable line (not allergic to effort; allergic to effort without direction), and closes on a vivid generational image (fax machine).
Suggestion 6 · compress to about 420 words
Text-type fit
whole piece
Original: ~700 words against a 400 target.
Aim: ~50-word opener (titled-letter reference + persona), three arguments of ~100–110 words each, ~30-word close.
A 420-word version with the broken sentences rewritten would lift this from 18+18=36 toward the top band. The structure is already right; the prose is doing the same job twice in places.
Suggestion 7 · the closing paragraph collapses — rewrite it cleanly
Fluency
lines 51–55
Original: “As a young entrepreneur, I strongly understand that the young generation are misunderstood… with effective standardised leadership, the city and try to communicate more with their fresh employees and treat the future leaders of our society.”
Try: “As an entrepreneur of this generation, I would ask older readers for one favour: replace the question ‘why won’t they work harder?’ with ‘what are we asking them to work harder for?’ The answer to the second question would reshape the answer to the first.”
The original closing tangles three times and ends mid-grammar. The rewrite uses a single rhetorical move (replace one question with another) and closes on a clean parallel.
Suggestion 8 · sign-off should match the salutation
Text-type fit
line 70
Original: “Dear Editor… Yours sincerely, Chris Wong”
Try: “Dear Editor… Yours faithfully, Chris Wong”
British convention: Yours faithfully when the addressee is not named (Dear Sir, Dear Editor, Dear Madam); Yours sincerely when the addressee is named (Dear Ms Lee, Dear Mr Lam). A small but examiner-noticeable formality.
Professional rewrite — the 9GAG / entrepreneurship paragraph (strong moment)
Professional rewrite — landing the entrepreneurship argument
The first argument has the letter’s strongest substance — a named HK example (9GAG) that real readers will recognise. But the prose buries the example in a half-finished construction. The rewrite leads with the name and the scale.
The student’s paragraph (corrected)
In fact, fresh university graduates in Hong Kong are willing to explore new business opportunities, providing concrete evidence that they are not afraid of challenges. The 21st century is a century of technological advancement, and the Internet has provided the young generation with a flood of new business opportunities, and they are not afraid of possible failures. A lot of new university graduates in our city actively set up their own businesses online. From online stores to online media platforms, one glaring example of this new type of business is ‘9GAG’, which is a Facebook page that gets attention and views not only in Hong Kong but also in foreign countries. Their willingness to develop this brand-new type of business illustrates the fact that they are willing to face challenges…
Rewritten by a professional opinion-writer
Consider 9GAG. The site was founded in 2008 by a small team of Hong Kong university graduates barely older than the cohort the letter describes as “easily defeated by challenges”; it now reaches an audience of tens of millions worldwide and runs from offices in Mong Kok. The same cohort can be found behind a generation of HK-built apps, design studios and online-retail brands — most of which never make the news because they are not large enough to fail interestingly. None of this is the work of a generation allergic to effort.
What the rewrite is doing differently:
- Leads with the name. “Consider 9GAG” is the imperative-mood opening a professional opinion-writer would use.
- Anchors with year and origin. “Founded in 2008… HK university graduates” — verifiable facts replace the abstract claim.
- Names the scale. “Tens of millions worldwide” — a quantifier the reader can hold.
- Generalises beyond the named case. “A generation of HK-built apps, design studios and online-retail brands” — the rewrite admits that 9GAG is one example among many, which makes it more credible, not less.
- The closing kicker. “Not the work of a generation allergic to effort” — the rewrite’s last clause states the conclusion the paragraph has earned.
Professional rewrite — the Google / work-culture paragraph (weak moment)
Professional rewrite — rebuilding the work-culture comparison
The Google paragraph has a strong structural idea (HK’s rigid work culture, not graduates’ laziness, is the cause of the phone-scrolling employers complain about) but the prose collapses partway through. The rewrite delivers the same idea cleanly.
The student’s paragraph (heavily corrected)
Yet, some employers may complain that they are spending their time on social networking sites instead of doing their work during their working hours. It must be acknowledged that some fresh university graduates are not paying full attention to their work. However, a lot of foreign companies are trying to integrate entertainment into the workplace, with Google being one of the most notable examples. By comparison, the work culture in Hong Kong is often rigid and traditional, and the fresh university graduates should not be blamed for seeking a different way of working.
Rewritten by a professional opinion-writer
Some employers complain that fresh graduates spend their working hours on social media. Two things are worth saying about that complaint. First, it is partly true: many young employees do check Facebook in the office. Second, it is a strange thing to criticise from a country that has spent the last decade copying Silicon Valley’s ping-pong tables. Google designs its offices around the idea that creative work happens partly at play; productivity has not suffered. What looks like distraction in a Causeway Bay open-plan office is read as the brain catching its breath in Mountain View. The fresh graduate isn’t lazy; she is working under a management culture that hasn’t caught up with the work it is asking her to do.
What the rewrite is doing differently:
- Concedes the visible behaviour. “It is partly true: many young employees do check Facebook” — conceding what the audience already believes is what earns the right to reframe it.
- Names the cultural import. “A country that has spent the last decade copying Silicon Valley” — the rewrite calls out the hypocrisy of demanding old-school discipline while importing new-school culture.
- Two specific places. “Causeway Bay open-plan office” vs “Mountain View” — the comparison gets geographical anchors.
- Names the structural cause. “A management culture that hasn’t caught up with the work it is asking her to do” — the rewrite locates the failure where the original argues it lies (management, not graduates).
- The pronoun is specific. Switching to she in the closing turns the abstract graduate into a person.
Leave a Reply