Letter to the Principal — Handicrafts Tutorial with the Elderly
Question prompt
You are the chairperson of the Social Service Club in your school. The school would like to develop closer links with the community. Write a letter to your principal, Ms Lee, proposing a new community project that the school can carry out with a home for the elderly in your district.
In your letter persuade your principal to accept your project by
- describing one activity that could be carried out, and
- identifying the benefits for the elderly home.
Sign your letter Chris Wong. (~200 words)
Show original handwritten pages (3)
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed (inline edit) |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear |
margin numbers every 5 lines match the booklet’s printed margin
Booklet p.3 (lines 1–23)
1Dear Ms Lee,
2I am writing to propose a new community project
3that we can carry out with a home for the elderly in
4our district. At As the chairperson of the Social Service
5Club, I understand the importance of developing closer
6links with the community, which is not only beneficial
7to our students but also to our society. In line with
8the school’s objective, I would like to propose the
9new community project.
10
11The project includes a series of activities,
12under which students would be signing up to become
13volunteers of the activity. One of the featuring activities
14of the project is the ‘Handicrafts Tutorial’ with
15the elderly. Our committee members will pick some
16handicrafts items for the elderly to try out, ranging
17from origami to rainbow stitches, under the guidance
18of our volunteers. The elderly could keep their handcrafts
19items so that they could decorate their living
20space and add character to it.
21
22The project could bring an array of benefits for
23the elderly home. Firstly, it can keep the elderly
Booklet p.4 (lines 24–45)
24connected with the community, which makes the elderly
25feel happier. Senior citizens in elderly homes are often
26isolated from the community, feeling bored and
27having nothing to do in their daily routine. Yet,
28with our volunteer volunteers visiting them, the elderly can
29chat with us and have fun during the tutorial
30sessions. They can learn more about us, the young
31generation, as well as what is new in society. They can
32also share their past stories and experiences with us. Not
33only does it add fun to the elderly lives elderly’s lives, but it is
34also conducive to building their integrity and sense
35of belonging towards the community.
36
37Besides, the tutorial are tutorials are also beneficial in
38keeping the minds of the elderly active. Most senior
39citizens suffered suffer from age-related illnesses such as dementia. Some research found has found
40that activities can keep elderly’s the elderly’s mind active, which
41hinder hinders the worsening situation of memory loss. In
42our project, the elderly can try out making different
43handicrafts in the tutorial, which involves coordination
44of body as well as problem-solving power that can
45keep their minds active. Hence, our project is beneficial
Booklet p.5 (lines 46–63)
46to the elderly.
47
48Our project would also be beneficial in reducing
49the burden of staff in elderly homes. I understand that
50the elderly require intensive care. It is difficult for
51elderly homes to arrange activities for them. With
52our volunteers’ participation, we would be able to
53help out in organising the events and providing
54guidance to the elderly. This can help in reducing
55the heavy workload of staff in elderly homes.
56
57With the above benefits, we believed believe that
58our community project would be able to develop closer
59links with the elderly home. We would be grateful
60if you would always approve our project.
61
62Yours sincerely,
63Chris Wong
Marks earned: 21 + 21 = 42 / 42 — the only perfect-marks Part A in the collection. Both markers gave full marks on every criterion (Content 7/7, Language 7/7, Organisation 7/7 from each). The third reviewer (R1) gave 18/21, but because M1 and M2 agreed perfectly, the R1 mark was disregarded by the closest-pair adjustment.
Word count. Roughly 360 words against the 200-word brief — over by about 80%, but tightly written: every paragraph does substantive work and the structure (intro / activity / three distinct benefits / close) is textbook.
What full marks looks like. The grammar slips in this letter are unusually minor for a top-band candidate — a handful of dropped articles, one or two S-V agreement nicks, and a single missing-verb pen slip in the very last line. The marker has effectively decided that nothing in the letter would cost a band-7 score on any criterion. Comparing this piece against the other Part A letters in the 2017 collection (2017-004 elderly home: 21+21=42; 2017-003 sleepover: 18+16=34; 2017-002 teatime: 16+18=34; 2017-001 nursing home: 19+19=38) is a useful exercise in what separates the top of the band from the strong middle.
Word count. Roughly 360 words against the 200-word brief — over by about 80%, but tightly written: every paragraph does substantive work and the structure (intro / activity / three distinct benefits / close) is textbook.
What full marks looks like. The grammar slips in this letter are unusually minor for a top-band candidate — a handful of dropped articles, one or two S-V agreement nicks, and a single missing-verb pen slip in the very last line. The marker has effectively decided that nothing in the letter would cost a band-7 score on any criterion. Comparing this piece against the other Part A letters in the 2017 collection (2017-004 elderly home: 21+21=42; 2017-003 sleepover: 18+16=34; 2017-002 teatime: 16+18=34; 2017-001 nursing home: 19+19=38) is a useful exercise in what separates the top of the band from the strong middle.
Strengths to praise
1. The activity is genuinely specific — right down to the materials
The proposal doesn’t just name a workshop; it names two specific crafts the workshop will cover (origami, rainbow stitches) and a concrete take-home outcome (the elderly could keep their handcrafts items so that they could decorate their living space). The principal can imagine the activity, the materials, the room, the residents leaving with something in their hands.
2. Three distinct benefits — no overlap
Benefit 1: community connection / happiness. Benefit 2: cognitive activity (research-backed dementia-prevention angle). Benefit 3: reducing staff workload. Each benefit serves a different audience (the elderly emotionally / the elderly cognitively / the home institutionally) and each gets a full paragraph. Many candidates produce one benefit padded out three ways; this candidate produces three benefits, properly developed.
3. Research citation as a credibility marker
“Most senior citizens suffer from age-related illnesses such as dementia. Some research has found that activities can keep the elderly’s mind active, which hinders the worsening situation of memory loss.” The candidate doesn’t over-claim — some research, not scientists have proven — and the named disease (dementia) is a real condition the principal will recognise. Modest, precise, credible.
4. The cognitive-mechanism sentence
“The elderly can try out making different handicrafts in the tutorial, which involves coordination of body as well as problem-solving power that can keep their minds active.” The candidate isn’t just saying “crafts are good for the brain” — they’re naming why (body coordination + problem-solving). This level of mechanism is graduate-essay quality.
5. Persona established without overclaiming
“As the chairperson of the Social Service Club, I understand the importance of developing closer links with the community.” The phrasing positions the writer as someone with institutional standing (chairperson) and contextual understanding (recognising the school’s priority), without slipping into self-aggrandisement. I understand is the right verb: humble but authoritative.
6. The “sense of belonging” close to benefit 1
“Not only does it add fun to the elderly’s lives, but it is also conducive to building their integrity and sense of belonging towards the community.” Closing a benefit paragraph on the abstract noun sense of belonging — the actual emotional payoff — is rhetorically sophisticated. The student earns the abstraction by spending the rest of the paragraph in the concrete.
Grammar notes
| Issue | Explanation |
|---|---|
(line 4) At the chairperson → As the chairperson |
Pen slip — the role-marker is as (in the capacity of), not at. (At would only work with a verb of position, e.g. at the head of.) |
(line 28) with our volunteer visiting → with our volunteers visiting |
Plural needed for a recurring activity with multiple visitors. |
(line 33) add fun to the elderly lives → to the elderly’s lives |
Possessive apostrophe. The elderly is treated as a collective noun and can take a possessive (the elderly’s rights, the elderly’s lives). |
(line 37) the tutorial are also beneficial → the tutorials are also beneficial |
If the subject is plural (multiple sessions), the noun must be plural. (Alternative: singular subject + singular verb: the tutorial is also beneficial.) |
(line 38) keeping the minds of elderly active → keeping the minds of the elderly active |
Collective elderly always takes the: the elderly, the young, the poor. |
(line 39) Most senior citizens suffered from dementia → Most senior citizens suffer from dementia |
Habitual / general-truth statement — takes the simple present, not the past. |
(line 39) Some research found that… → Some research has found that… |
For ongoing scholarly findings, the present perfect is the standard form: research has found, studies have shown, evidence suggests. |
(lines 40–41) elderly’s mind active, which hinder → which hinders |
The implicit subject of which is the singular state of affairs described in the preceding clause (activities’ keeping the mind active, i.e. doing so). Singular agreement: hinders. |
(line 34) building their integrity → building their dignity / building a sense of belonging |
Integrity = moral wholeness (uprightness). The writer means self-worth / dignity / sense of belonging. The right concept arrives in the next phrase (sense of belonging); integrity just overshoots. |
(line 57) we believed that our community project → we believe |
Tense slip in the closing — the writer is stating their current view, not reporting a past belief. |
(line 60) if you would always our project → if you would approve our project |
Almost certainly a pen-slip omission: the verb (approve / accept / endorse) is missing between would and our project. The student wrote always, possibly intending a placeholder or a slip from approve. |
Style suggestions (what an editor would change if forced)
Categories:
Fluency sentence flow, collocations, rhythm.
Authenticity places that sound student-y or translated; how a native voice would say it.
Text-type fit matching the conventions of the genre — here, a formal proposal letter to a principal.
line refs link a suggestion back to specific lines in the transcript above.
Caveat. This piece scored 42/42. The suggestions below are post-perfect polishing — what an editor would change if asked to push the letter one further inch toward a professional finish. None of them are corrections of error; they sit downstream of the marking.
Suggestion 1 · the opening could name the project earlier
Text-type fit
lines 2–9
Original: “I am writing to propose a new community project that we can carry out with a home for the elderly in our district. As the chairperson of the Social Service Club, I understand the importance of developing closer links with the community…”
Try: “I am writing on behalf of the Social Service Club to propose a Handicrafts Tutorial programme — a recurring afternoon workshop run jointly with an elderly home in our district.”
Name the project (Handicrafts Tutorial) in the opening clause, not in paragraph two. A proposal letter has to lead with the proposal.
Suggestion 2 · trim the “in line with the school’s objective” signpost
Text-type fit
lines 7–9
Original: “In line with the school’s objective, I would like to propose the new community project.”
Try: delete the sentence. The school’s objective was the prompt; the proposal that follows is itself the alignment.
Stating that you are about to propose something is filler when the next paragraph already proposes it.
Suggestion 3 · promote the two craft names into the opening sentence of the activity paragraph
Fluency
lines 15–17
Original: “Our committee members will pick some handicrafts items for the elderly to try out, ranging from origami to rainbow stitches…”
Try: “The first cohort of sessions would cover two crafts — origami and rainbow stitches — chosen because the materials are inexpensive and the technique can be learned in a single afternoon.”
The named crafts are doing a lot of work; promoting them to the opening of the activity paragraph (with a brief reason for choosing them) earns the specificity even harder.
Suggestion 4 · replace “integrity”
Authenticity
line 34
Original: “conducive to building their integrity and sense of belonging…”
Try: “conducive to rebuilding their dignity and sense of belonging…”
Integrity means moral uprightness; the writer means dignity / self-worth. A single-word fix that prevents the only conceptual slip in the letter.
Suggestion 5 · sharpen the dementia-research line
Text-type fit
lines 39–41
Original: “Some research has found that activities can keep the elderly’s mind active, which hinders the worsening situation of memory loss.”
Try: “Studies of dementia risk have shown that regular hands-on activity slows the progression of memory loss; the handicrafts session is designed with this finding in mind.”
Specifying studies of dementia risk (rather than some research) signals familiarity with the field. The closing clause (the session is designed with this finding in mind) ties the evidence to the proposal — the move that turns a fact into a justification.
Suggestion 6 · the closing could ask for something specific
Text-type fit
lines 57–60
Original: “We would be grateful if you would approve our project.”
Try: “I would be grateful for a short meeting to discuss next steps, and to bring a draft consent form and risk-assessment for your review.”
Hope is not a deliverable. The strongest 5** letter closes with a specific next step the principal can act on.
Suggestion 7 · the body-coordination claim could be made more vivid
Fluency
lines 42–45
Original: “making different handicrafts in the tutorial, which involves coordination of body as well as problem-solving power that can keep their minds active.”
Try: “Folding paper or threading rainbow stitches engages the hands, the eyes and the planning part of the mind — the three faculties that age-related decline tends to dim first.”
The original’s coordination of body / problem-solving power is conceptually right but slightly bureaucratic. Naming the specific actions (folding paper, threading stitches) and the specific faculties (hands, eyes, planning) turns the claim into something the reader can picture.
Strong moment worth teaching from
Spotlight — the cognitive-health benefit paragraph
Of the three benefit paragraphs, this is the one to quote in class. It pulls together a credible research framing, a real disease (dementia), and a named mechanism (body coordination + problem-solving) — the rare DSE paragraph in which the claim is not just made but argued for.
“Besides, the tutorials are also beneficial in keeping the minds of the elderly active. Most senior citizens suffer from age-related illnesses such as dementia. Some research has found that activities can keep the elderly’s mind active, which hinders the worsening situation of memory loss. In our project, the elderly can try out making different handicrafts in the tutorial, which involves coordination of body as well as problem-solving power that can keep their minds active. Hence, our project is beneficial to the elderly.”
Why this paragraph is strong
- Named condition. Not “memory problems” in the abstract but dementia. A real disease the principal will recognise and weigh.
- Modest research framing. Some research has found — not scientists have proven. The candidate is making a defensible claim, not an overreach.
- Mechanism, not just outcome. Most candidates would stop at “activities help dementia.” This one says why: the activity demands coordination of body as well as problem-solving power. Two distinct cognitive demands, both real.
- The mechanism ties back to the named activity. Crafts — folding, threading, sequencing — do in fact recruit both motor coordination and planning. The argument is logically tight, not just rhetorically tidy.
- The closing sentence earns the bald claim. “Hence, our project is beneficial to the elderly” is a strong assertion, but the paragraph has done the work to license it.
Professional rewrite — the opening paragraph (a strong-but-improvable moment)
Professional rewrite — tightening the lead while keeping the persona
This piece scored 42/42, so the rewrite is not a correction — it’s what an editor would do if asked to push the letter one further inch toward a professional finish. The opening earns full marks but takes two sentences to name the activity and gives the school’s objective filler time. A professional letter would compress to one sentence and let the activity land sooner.
The student’s opening (corrected)
I am writing to propose a new community project that we can carry out with a home for the elderly in our district. As the chairperson of the Social Service Club, I understand the importance of developing closer links with the community, which is not only beneficial to our students but also to our society. In line with the school’s objective, I would like to propose the new community project.
Rewritten by a professional letter-writer
I am writing on behalf of the Social Service Club to propose a Handicrafts Tutorial programme — a monthly afternoon workshop run jointly with an elderly home in our district, in which our student volunteers would teach simple crafts to residents and leave each session with something the resident has made.
What the rewrite is doing differently:
- One sentence carries the persona, the proposal name, the partner, the cadence, and the take-home outcome. The student takes three sentences and about 75 words to do less.
- The school’s objective is implicit, not stated. A proposal that aligns with the school’s priority doesn’t need to announce the alignment.
- The take-home outcome arrives in the lead. “Leave each session with something the resident has made” — what the principal will picture is the resident with their craft, which is the proposal’s strongest image.
Professional rewrite — the third-benefit paragraph (the weakest paragraph)
Professional rewrite — the staff-workload paragraph
Of the three benefit paragraphs, the staff-workload paragraph is the most generic — it doesn’t bring the same specificity as the community-link and cognitive-health paragraphs. A rewrite tightens the logic, names a real mechanism, and lands harder. Again: this is post-perfect polishing, not correction.
The student’s paragraph (corrected)
Our project would also be beneficial in reducing the burden of staff in elderly homes. I understand that the elderly require intensive care. It is difficult for elderly homes to arrange activities for them. With our volunteers’ participation, we would be able to help out in organising the events and providing guidance to the elderly. This can help in reducing the heavy workload of staff in elderly homes.
Rewritten by a professional letter-writer
The home’s own staff would also benefit. Care assistants in elderly homes carry intensive personal-care responsibilities, and finding the time to plan and run craft activities on top of that often defeats them. Our volunteers would take both ends — the planning and the running — off the home’s schedule, returning two or three staff-hours per session to the residents who need one-to-one attention.
What the rewrite is doing differently:
- The staff’s burden is named concretely (intensive personal-care responsibilities) rather than abstractly (the elderly require intensive care).
- The mechanism of relief is named. The volunteers don’t just “help out” — they take both planning and running, which is two distinct burdens.
- The institutional benefit is quantified. “Two or three staff-hours per session” is a number a principal can think about; “heavy workload” is a metaphor.
- The reallocation is named. “Returning… to the residents who need one-to-one attention.” Freed staff time doesn’t evaporate; it goes to the part of the home’s work the volunteers cannot do.
Vocabulary to notice
| Word | Definition | Usage notes | Synonyms / alternatives |
|---|---|---|---|
| chairperson | (n.) the person in charge of a meeting, committee, or organisation. | Gender-neutral form (preferred over chairman / chairwoman in modern style). Plural: chairpersons. Often shortened to chair. | chair, chairman, chairwoman, president, head |
| handicrafts | (n., usually plural) skilled work made by hand, especially decorative objects. | Pairs with traditional, decorative, local. The plural form is the default; the singular handicraft is rarer and usually refers to the activity rather than the object. | crafts, handiwork, artisanal goods |
| origami | (n.) the Japanese art of folding paper into decorative shapes. | Uncountable. Common compounds: origami crane, origami workshop, origami paper. | paper folding |
| conducive (to) | (adj.) making something likely or possible to happen. | Always followed by to + noun/gerund: conducive to learning, to recovery, to building dignity. | helpful for, beneficial to, favourable to |
| isolation | (n.) the process or condition of being separated from others. | Pairs with social, geographical, complete. The elderly often suffer from social isolation. The student uses the verb form (isolated from the community) rather than the noun, which works well. | seclusion, solitude, loneliness, segregation |
| dementia | (n.) a chronic disorder of mental processes caused by brain disease or injury, marked by memory loss and personality change. | Always singular, no article needed in general statements. Major HK public-health topic; principals will recognise it as a real condition. | cognitive decline, senile dementia, memory disorders (loose) |
| memory loss | (n. phrase) loss of memory due to brain injury, illness, or psychological trauma. | Often used as a softer alternative to dementia in everyday writing. The worsening situation of memory loss is slightly clunky — the progression of memory loss is the more natural collocation. | amnesia, forgetfulness, cognitive decline |
| intensive care | (n. phrase) close, constant attention given to someone who needs it. | Different from intensive care unit (ICU). In an elderly-home context, refers to the personal care given by staff to residents. | close attention, round-the-clock care, hands-on care |
| integrity | (n.) the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; also, the state of being whole and undivided. | Distinct from dignity (the quality of being worthy of respect). The student’s use slightly slips between the two — dignity is the right word for the elderly-home context. | honesty, uprightness, wholeness / (intended sense) dignity, self-worth |
| sense of belonging | (n. phrase) the feeling of being a valued member of a group or community. | Common collocations: develop, build, foster, lose a sense of belonging. Heavy use in HK education and social-work writing — the student deploys it in its natural slot. | belongingness, community feeling, social connection |
| array (of) | (n.) an impressive display or range of a particular type of thing. | An array of benefits, an array of options. Slightly more formal than a range of; carries a faint sense of impressiveness. | range, variety, assortment, spectrum |
| workload | (n.) the amount of work to be done by someone. | One word, no hyphen. Pairs with heavy, light, manageable, share, reduce, lighten. A common business-English word. | burden of work, work demands, work allocation, load |
| senior citizen | (n. phrase) an older person, especially one who has retired. | Polite, formal alternative to old people. Common in HK public-policy writing and signage (senior citizen discount, senior citizen card). | the elderly, older adults, pensioners, retirees |
| committee member | (n. phrase) someone who serves on an organising or governing committee. | The student’s use to describe club volunteers is HK-natural; native British/American English would more often say club members or volunteers. | volunteer, organiser, board member, club member |
| guidance | (n.) advice or information aimed at resolving a problem or difficulty. | Uncountable. Pairs with provide, offer, seek, under the guidance of. Under the guidance of our volunteers is a strong, idiomatic use. | advice, direction, mentoring, supervision |
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