Letter to the Principal — A Community Project for the Elderly Home
Question prompt
You are the chairperson of the Social Service Club at your school. The school would like to develop closer ties with the community. Write a letter to your principal, Mr Lee, proposing a new community project that the school can carry out with a home for the elderly in your district.
In your letter persuade your principal to accept your project by
- describing one activity that could be carried out, and
- identifying the benefits for the elderly home.
Sign your letter Chris Wong. (~200 words)
Show original handwritten pages (4)
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed (inline edit) |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear |
margin numbers every 5 lines match the booklet’s printed margin
Booklet p.3 (lines 1–23)
1Dear Principal Miss Mr Lee,
2
3I am Chris Wong, the chairperson of the Social
4Service Club. Recently the government has published
5the latest percentage of elderly in the 18 districts.
6With Kwun Tong being the highest, it is our utmost
7responsibility to care about the elderly within our
8reach — not just a 70-year-old who lives in Kwun Tong.
9
10In light of the prevalence of elderly home homes in
11Kwun Tong, I would like to propose a new community
12project, in which a variety show being will be the highlight.
13Having a broad spectrum of clubs and societies —
14the Drama Club, Melody Club, Chess Club — it is within
15our unique potential to entertain the elderly with
16various interest interests. It is drafted that a variety show
17be held on a Friday night in our school during the
18post-exam period.
19
20Our committee members have conducted a pre-visit
21survey. After analysis of the results, it is rendered that
22having a Cantonese opera show, martial arts performance
23and magic tricks display would be appropriate with
Booklet p.4 (lines 24–46)
24regard to the elderly’s interest interests. As for the Cantonese
25opera show, the Melody Club confirmed they can
26offer various choice choices of themes ranging from the famous
27heroine Mulan to some of the most thrilling war scenes
28in the ancient Three Kingdoms period — for instance,
29the war of [Wu]. It is thought that buddies the elderly may find
30these familiar and that this would greatly reduce the
31cross-generational gap.
32
33Concerning the martial arts performance, it is proposed
34largely owing to the preference of the guys elderly gentlemen.
35Probably hoping to see again, my grandfather and some
36of his friends who reside in the elderly home have
37made a plea for a Kung Fu performance. As a result, we
38have enquired with the PE Department about the possibility
39of letting the Kung Fu school team perform on that
40night, and they promised to assign Mr Lung’s Kung Fu
41performance, in addition to a Wu Lin Chinese performance
42as a surprise for the buddies elderly. Regarding the magic
43tricks display, we have invited Louis Lam, who is the
44most popular magician in Hong Kong and a winner of a
45wide variety of magic competitions, to be our guest of
46honour and put on a magic tricks display for the elderly.
Booklet p.5 (lines 47–69)
47From the variety shows show, it is expected that the
48elderly home can obtain a myriad of benefits. To
49illustrate, it can boost the good mood of the elderly. As
50elderly homes do not have such large-scale on-site visits
51by teenagers very often, the elderly may be energized
52by the exciting and meaningful variety show. Researches
53shows that stressed elderly may experience rebellion as
54do the adolescents resistance much like adolescents do. With
55the assistance of the variety show, the elderly may
56become less depressed and less rebellious against the
57workers in the elderly home. This may in turn improve
58the working environment of the elderly home.
59
60Additionally, in order to bear our responsibilities can
61responsibilities to the elderly in the district, we will be
62investigating into the possibility to make of holding variety
63shows on a regular basis. If regular variety shows can
64be held, it is expected that the cost incurred by paying
65entertainment fees / purchasing television and games
66can be reduced.
67
68[continues on Supplementary Answer Sheet B (S2) — Q1 ticked]
69
Supplementary Sheet S2 (lines 70–82)
70The project is meaningful as the school image reputation
71can be definitely improved. Besides, the project also
72shows students’ devotion to our school motto. Hopefully,
73it is hopeful I sincerely hope that you can kindly approve
74the project. Thank you for your kind attention.
75
76Yours sincerely,
77[signature]
78Chris Wong
79Chairperson
80Social Service Club
A perfect score. This script was awarded the full 42/42 (21 Content + 21 Language) — the top mark possible for Part A. The notes below identify the small inline slips (article use, plural agreement, an overcasual buddies, the Miss/Mr salutation slip) that the student themselves caught on the page, plus a handful of places where an editor might still tighten the prose if forced to find something to change. None of these would have moved the score.
Recipient name slip caught on the page. The prompt addresses the principal as Mr Lee; the student opens with “Dear Principal Miss Lee” and corrects it inline to Mr. Worth flagging because accurate recipient details are a content marker examiners check — but here the self-correction is part of the page.
Continuation onto a supplementary sheet. The student ran out of space at the end of booklet page 5 and finished the letter on Supplementary Answer Sheet B (S2). The Question No. box on the supplementary sheet correctly shows Q1 ticked. The transcript above stitches the two together.
Length note (informational, not a deduction). The full letter (main answer book + supplementary sheet) runs to roughly 470 words against a 200-word brief. At this grade band, the markers clearly judged the extra length to be earned by content density rather than padding — every paragraph carries new specifics (named clubs, named acts, named magician, survey, PE Department, post-exam slot). For a candidate aiming lower, that ratio would be a risk; for this one, it isn’t.
Recipient name slip caught on the page. The prompt addresses the principal as Mr Lee; the student opens with “Dear Principal Miss Lee” and corrects it inline to Mr. Worth flagging because accurate recipient details are a content marker examiners check — but here the self-correction is part of the page.
Continuation onto a supplementary sheet. The student ran out of space at the end of booklet page 5 and finished the letter on Supplementary Answer Sheet B (S2). The Question No. box on the supplementary sheet correctly shows Q1 ticked. The transcript above stitches the two together.
Length note (informational, not a deduction). The full letter (main answer book + supplementary sheet) runs to roughly 470 words against a 200-word brief. At this grade band, the markers clearly judged the extra length to be earned by content density rather than padding — every paragraph carries new specifics (named clubs, named acts, named magician, survey, PE Department, post-exam slot). For a candidate aiming lower, that ratio would be a risk; for this one, it isn’t.
Strengths to praise
1. Persona built quickly and credibly
The student establishes the chairperson voice in the first sentence (“I am Chris Wong, the chairperson of the Social Service Club”) and immediately grounds the proposal in real data (“the latest percentage of elderly in the 18 districts. With Kwun Tong being the highest…”). The persuasive ground is set before the proposal arrives — a structural choice that separates 5** scripts from 5* ones.
2. Concrete plan, not vague aspirations
The proposal names three specific acts (Cantonese opera, martial arts, magic tricks), three specific clubs (Drama, Melody, Chess), specific themes (Mulan, Three Kingdoms), and even a named magician (Louis Lam). Specificity is the most persuasive ingredient in a proposal; this letter is rich with it.
3. Evidence of preparation woven into the case
The student references a pre-visit survey, contact with the PE Department, and negotiations with Louis Lam. This shows the project isn’t just a wish — it has already been scoped. Principals approve proposals when the legwork is visibly done; the student gives the principal three pieces of evidence that it is.
4. Anticipates both the elderly’s needs and the home’s needs
The benefits section addresses two audiences: the elderly (mood, less depression, reduced resistance towards staff) and the elderly home as an institution (improved working environment, cost reduction through fewer external entertainment fees). This double-audience awareness, in a 200-word brief, is what the rubric’s top band is looking for.
5. Strong, accurate vocabulary at sentence level
Words like prevalence, broad spectrum, drafted, rendered, myriad, cross-generational, post-exam period, with regard to, in light of, guest of honour, on a regular basis, incurred are deployed in their proper collocations, not just sprinkled. Particularly notable: “in light of the prevalence of elderly homes” as a sophisticated transitional opener, and the “cross-generational gap” framing that ties the activity choice to the social rationale.
6. Closes with the institutional benefit framing
The closing paragraph reframes the project from being about elderly welfare to being about the school’s reputation and the school motto. This is exactly the move that persuades a principal — tie your proposal to the institution’s interests, not just the worthy cause. The student executes the pivot in one paragraph without sounding cynical.
Grammar notes
| Issue | Explanation |
|---|---|
(line 1) Dear Principal Miss Lee → Dear Principal Mr Lee |
The prompt names the principal as Mr Lee. The student opens with Miss Lee and self-corrects inline. Beyond the grammar, accurate recipient details are a content marker examiners check. |
(line 3) chairperson of Social Service Club → of the Social Service Club |
Named clubs and societies typically take the definite article (the Drama Club, the Social Service Club). |
(line 10) the prevalence of elderly home in Kwun Tong → of elderly homes |
Talking about more than one institution — needs the plural. |
(line 12) a variety show being the highlight → a variety show will be the highlight |
Being as a participial floating after a comma doesn’t connect to a finite verb. Rephrase to a prepositional phrase (with X as the highlight) or a full clause. |
(lines 15–16) to entertain elderly with various interest → to entertain the elderly with various interests |
Two fixes: elderly as a noun for the group takes the (the elderly, the young, the homeless); and interests in the sense of “things one is interested in” is countable and plural. |
(lines 52–53) Researches show → Research shows |
Research in the sense of investigation/findings is uncountable in modern English — no plural form, takes a singular verb. (Researches survives in older or very formal contexts but is best avoided.) |
(lines 53–54) stressed elderly may experience rebellion as do the adolescents → resistance much like adolescents do |
Two issues. Rebellion is too strong for the behaviour described (resistance, push-back, irritability); and as do the adolescents is an awkward formal inversion. Much like adolescents do reads naturally. |
(line 60) in order to bear our responsibilities can the elderly → responsibilities to the elderly |
Can is almost certainly a slip of the pen for to. The construction is responsibilities to X, not responsibilities can X. |
(line 62) investigating into the possibility to make → investigating the possibility of holding |
Investigate is transitive — no into. And the possibility is followed by of + gerund (the possibility of doing X), not to + infinitive. |
(lines 70–71) the school image can be definitely improved → the school’s reputation can definitely be improved |
Three small fixes: add the possessive (school’s); use reputation rather than the slightly corporate image; and put the adverb after the auxiliary (can definitely be). |
(lines 29, 42) Register: buddies → the elderly / our elderly friends |
The letter is a formal proposal to the school principal. Buddies is too casual for this register. The elderly, our elderly friends, residents of the elderly home all work. |
Style suggestions (what an editor would change if forced to find something)
Categories:
Fluency sentence flow, collocations, rhythm.
Authenticity places that sound student-y or translated; how a native voice would say it.
Text-type fit matching the conventions of the genre — here, a formal proposal letter.
line refs link a suggestion back to specific lines in the transcript above.
Reading these in context. This script earned a perfect 42/42, so the suggestions below are not corrections — they are the kind of micro-edits a professional editor would make if asked to polish a piece that has already passed the grade. Each one is the difference between “already top-band” and “publishable”. Use them as teaching moments about prose-level craft, not as marks the student lost.
Suggestion 1 · tighten the opening for a busy principal’s eye
Text-type fit
lines 3–8
Original: “I am Chris Wong, the chairperson of the Social Service Club. Recently the government has published the latest percentage of elderly in the 18 districts. With Kwun Tong being the highest, it is our utmost responsibility to care about the elderly within our reach…”
Try: “I am writing to propose a community project that addresses one of our district’s most pressing realities: Kwun Tong has the highest proportion of elderly residents in Hong Kong, and as the chairperson of the Social Service Club, I believe our school is uniquely placed to help.”
A proposal letter ideally states its proposal in the first 30 words. The student takes three sentences to reach “I would like to propose”. The rewrite folds persona, data, and pitch into one opening sentence. The student’s version still works (and was credited as top-band) because the data is striking enough to earn the build-up — but a tighter opening would land even harder.
Suggestion 2 · remove the parenthetical “70-year-old”
Fluency
line 8
Original: “…to care about the elderly within our reach — not just a 70-year-old who lives in Kwun Tong.”
Try: delete the parenthetical, or replace with “— not only those we know personally, but everyone in our district.”
The original parenthetical is ambiguous (which 70-year-old?). If the writer means “not just an abstract figure” they should say so; if a specific person, name them. Otherwise drop it — ambiguity in a single throwaway phrase is the kind of thing an editor would tidy.
Suggestion 3 · replace passive “It is drafted that”
Authenticity
lines 16–18
Original: “It is drafted that a variety show be held on a Friday night…”
Try: “Our plan is to hold the show on a Friday night…” / “We propose to hold the show…”
The passive it is drafted that sounds like a clause translated from formal Chinese. Proposal writing wants confident, active verbs: we propose, we plan, we will arrange. The same goes for it is rendered that a few lines below.
Suggestion 4 · promote “Louis Lam” to a sentence of his own
Text-type fit
lines 42–46
Original: “Regarding the magic tricks display, we have invited Louis Lam, who is the most popular magician in Hong Kong and a winner of a wide variety of magic competitions, to be our guest of honour and put on a magic tricks display for the elderly.”
Try: “For the magic act, we have secured Louis Lam — arguably Hong Kong’s most popular magician — as our guest of honour. He will perform a short routine designed for the elderly audience.”
The original packs a lot into one sentence and buries the name behind a long subordinate clause. Promoting Louis Lam into the subject position and giving the routine its own short sentence makes the coup land harder. Booking a celebrity magician is the most newsworthy specific in the letter — it deserves its own beat.
Suggestion 5 · soften “rebellion” for the elderly context
Authenticity
lines 53–54
Original: “stressed elderly may experience rebellion as do the adolescents”
Try: “stressed elderly may show resistance, much as adolescents do”
Rebellion in elderly care usually refers to refusing care, irritability, withdrawal — closer to resistance, push-back, agitation. The word rebellion evokes teenagers, prisoners, revolutions; reaching for it here trips the reader. The student already self-corrects in the margin to resistance; the inline edit could go a step further and re-cast the comparison.
Suggestion 6 · sharpen the cost argument
Fluency
lines 64–66
Original: “it is expected that the cost incurred by paying entertainment fees / purchasing television and games can be reduced”
Try: “we anticipate that the home’s entertainment budget — currently spent on televisions, games and external performers — could be meaningfully reduced”
The original’s slash (fees / purchasing television) reads like notes rather than prose. Spelling it out into a single list makes the cost case concrete and lets the sentence breathe.
Suggestion 7 · trim hedge-language from the closing
Authenticity
lines 72–74
Original: “Hopefully, it is hopeful that you can kindly approve the project.”
Try: “I sincerely hope you will approve the project.” / “I look forward to your approval.”
The original stacks two hedges (hopefully + it is hopeful) and a softener (kindly). The student already self-corrects this inline to I sincerely hope. Proposal letters want one clean ask — not three.
Suggestion 8 · the “buddies” slips deserved an inline catch the first time
Text-type fit
lines 29, 42
Original: “…buddies may find these familiar…” / “…a surprise for the buddies”
Try: “the elderly may find these familiar” / “a surprise for our elderly audience”
The student uses buddies twice in the body of the letter. In a formal proposal to a principal, the register dips noticeably each time. The fix is mechanical — the elderly, residents, our elderly friends, the audience — but the slip is a useful teaching example of how a single casual noun can puncture an otherwise tightly formal piece.
Suggestion 9 · the “cross-generational gap” line could land harder
Fluency
lines 29–31
Original: “It is thought that the elderly may find these familiar and that this would greatly reduce the cross-generational gap.”
Try: “Shared stories from their own youth — Mulan, the Three Kingdoms — would let the students and the residents meet on common ground, narrowing the gap that usually opens between the two generations.”
The student’s phrasing cross-generational gap is good vocabulary deployed in good place. The rewrite makes the same point through image rather than abstraction: meeting on common ground, narrowing the gap. At the top band, this is the kind of upgrade that turns a strong sentence into a memorable one.
Strong moment worth teaching from
Spotlight — the three-acts paragraph (Cantonese opera, martial arts, magic tricks)
This stretch (lines 22–46) is the single most teachable section in the letter. Worth quoting in class as a model of how a proposal makes an idea feel real — three named acts, each tied to a specific club or contact, each justified against the audience’s tastes.
“Having a Cantonese opera show, martial arts performance and magic tricks display would be appropriate with regard to the elderly’s interests. As for the Cantonese opera show, the Melody Club confirmed they can offer various choices of themes ranging from the famous heroine Mulan to some of the most thrilling war scenes in the ancient Three Kingdoms period… Concerning the martial arts performance, it is proposed largely owing to the preference of the elderly gentlemen. My grandfather and some of his friends who reside in the elderly home have made a plea for a Kung Fu performance… Regarding the magic tricks display, we have invited Louis Lam, who is the most popular magician in Hong Kong…”
Why this section is strong
- Three named acts, each justified. Cantonese opera is tied to the Melody Club; martial arts is tied to a personal anecdote (the writer’s grandfather and his friends made the request); magic tricks is tied to a celebrity booking (Louis Lam). The variety is not a guess — it is the result of a stated process.
- The personal-anecdote pivot. Mentioning my grandfather and some of his friends who reside in the elderly home drops the letter into authentic personal territory in exactly one sentence. It signals that the writer knows this audience, not just that they researched it. Markers respond to this kind of grounded specificity.
- The audience-segmentation move. The student notes that the martial arts segment is proposed largely owing to the preference of the elderly gentlemen — a sub-audience inside the elderly audience. That granularity (different acts for different sub-groups) is what turns a list of activities into a programme.
- Named themes inside the named acts. Not just “Cantonese opera” but Mulan, Three Kingdoms, war scenes. Specific titles double the persuasive density without doubling the word count.
Professional rewrite — the benefits paragraph (the closest thing to a weak moment)
Professional rewrite — tightening the benefits paragraph
For comparison only, not a correction. The student’s argument is strong, and this script scored 42/42 — but the benefits paragraph (lines 47–58) is where the letter slows down most: the rebellion line trips the reader, and the working-environment claim lands as an afterthought. The rewrite shows what a tighter, more confident version of the same case looks like in roughly the same word count.
The student’s benefits paragraph (corrected)
From the variety show, it is expected that the elderly home can obtain a myriad of benefits. To illustrate, it can boost the good mood of the elderly. As elderly homes do not have such large-scale on-site visits by teenagers very often, the elderly may be energized by the exciting and meaningful variety show. Research shows that stressed elderly may experience resistance, much like adolescents do. With the assistance of the variety show, the elderly may become less depressed and less rebellious against the workers in the elderly home. This may in turn improve the working environment of the elderly home.
Rewritten by a professional letter-writer
The benefits would be felt on both sides of the visit. For the elderly — many of whom rarely see a room full of teenagers — an evening of live music, opera and stagecraft would lift their mood in a way that television cannot. Research has long shown that prolonged stress in elderly residents leads to withdrawal and resistance toward care staff; an event of this kind interrupts that pattern. For the home itself, that means calmer evenings, lower entertainment costs, and a measurable improvement in the working conditions of the staff who do this difficult work every day.
What the rewrite is doing differently:
- Two-audience structure stated up front. “The benefits would be felt on both sides of the visit” tells the reader exactly what is coming. The student’s version makes the reader assemble this.
- “Television” earns its place. The student introduces televisions much later (in the cost paragraph); pulling it forward here makes the contrast vivid (“in a way that television cannot”).
- The research claim becomes specific. “Prolonged stress in elderly residents leads to withdrawal and resistance toward care staff” — the rewrite names the behaviours, which makes the citation feel real rather than gestural.
- Staff working conditions get the closing emphasis. The student’s version mentions working environment almost as an afterthought. Moving it to the last clause, and adding the staff who do this difficult work every day, gives the institutional appeal more emotional weight.
- One paragraph, not two. The student’s case is split between this paragraph and the next (cost); folding the cost point in here lets the proposal move faster — useful if the writer were forced to hit the 200-word brief.
Vocabulary to notice
| Word | Definition | Usage notes | Synonyms / alternatives |
|---|---|---|---|
| prevalence | (n.) the fact or condition of being widespread. | Formal. Common in social-policy writing: the prevalence of obesity, of poverty, of dementia. Pairs with increasing, declining, growing. | commonness, frequency, ubiquity, incidence |
| utmost | (adj.) most extreme; greatest. | Pairs with abstract nouns: utmost importance, utmost care, utmost responsibility, utmost respect. More formal than greatest. | greatest, supreme, paramount, highest |
| broad spectrum | (n. phrase) a wide range or variety of something. | Originally scientific (light, antibiotics); now common metaphorically for variety. Pairs with of + plural noun: a broad spectrum of opinions, of clubs, of products. | wide range, full variety, diverse array |
| draft | (v.) to prepare a preliminary version of something. | Used for plans, letters, contracts, speeches. “It is drafted that…” is awkward (see Style suggestion 3); active forms are better. | plan, outline, sketch out, prepare |
| render | (v.) cause to be or become; (also: provide, give). | Multiple senses. Here: it is rendered that… = “the result is that…”. A more natural alternative: this leads us to conclude that. | make, cause, deliver, present |
| myriad | (n. / adj.) a countless or extremely great number. | Used both as a noun (a myriad of benefits) and as an adjective (myriad benefits). The adjective form is slightly more elegant. | countless, innumerable, multitude, plethora |
| cross-generational | (adj.) involving or affecting more than one generation. | Hyphenated. Common in education, social work, family studies. Cross-generational gap, cross-generational dialogue. | intergenerational, age-spanning |
| rebellion | (n.) an act of armed or open resistance; refusal to obey. | Strong. Used of political uprisings, adolescent defiance, teenage rule-breaking. Best avoided for elderly resistance to care — see Style suggestion 5. | resistance, defiance, uprising, mutiny |
| in light of | (prep. phrase) taking something into consideration; in view of. | Formal. Pairs with recent developments, the evidence, your decision, the prevalence of X. A more elegant way to say because of. | given, in view of, considering, owing to |
| post-exam (period) | (adj. phrase) the period after examinations. | Hyphenated when used attributively. Common in HK school contexts. Compare with pre-exam, mid-exam. | after exams, after-exam, end-of-term |
| heroine | (n.) a woman admired for her courage or noble qualities; the principal female character in a story. | Note the spelling distinction: heroine (the woman) vs heroin (the drug). Plural: heroines. | female protagonist, leading lady, legend |
| enquire (with) | (v.) to ask for information. | British spelling. American: inquire. Enquire about X with Y, or simply enquire about X. | ask, query, request information, find out |
| guest of honour | (n. phrase) the most important guest at a formal event. | British: honour; American: honor. Always with definite article the: the guest of honour, our guest of honour. | VIP, principal guest, special guest |
| energize / energise | (v.) give vitality or enthusiasm to. | British energise, American energize. Pairs with audience, crowd, team, room. Stronger than excite. | invigorate, animate, stimulate, enliven |
| on a regular basis | (adv. phrase) regularly; at regular intervals. | Slightly formal. Common in business and policy writing. Compare with regularly (simpler) or routinely (more institutional). | regularly, routinely, periodically, frequently |
| incurred | (v., past) become subject to (something undesirable, especially costs or debts). | Almost always paired with cost, expense, debt, penalty, fine, loss. Slightly formal. | sustained, run up, accumulated, brought upon |
| motto | (n.) a short sentence chosen as expressing a guiding principle. | Always singular when referring to a single phrase. Plural: mottoes (preferred) or mottos. Schools, clubs, families all have mottos. | slogan, maxim, watchword, dictum |
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