Welcome Speech to New Students — 39/42 (5*, closest-pair with D3)
Question prompt
You are the President of the Students’ Union at your school. You are preparing a speech to welcome new students on the first day of school. In order to help new students achieve success and have an enjoyable school life, you want to talk about the following in your speech:
- importance of following school rules; and
- importance of interpersonal relationships.
The first part of the speech has been written for you. Finish the speech. (~200 words)
Show original handwritten pages (2 of 3 — booklet p.3 missing from scan)
Scan integrity. The PDF is a hand-held photograph of the candidate’s marking record (PDF p.1, candidate number obscured by a finger), the prompt cover (PDF p.2 = booklet p.2), and writing pages (PDF p.3–4 = booklet p.4–5 for Part A). Booklet p.3 — the first writing page of Part A, covering roughly lines 1–19 — is not present in this scan. The transcription below begins mid-sentence at line 20 and reconstructs the opening from context (the sentence that runs into line 20 starts “…obedience. Have you ever wondered why you have to arrive [at]”). What the candidate said in lines 1–19 is therefore lost; the markers, of course, had the full booklet in front of them.
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear |
italic dashed box = pre-printed text |
margin numbers every 5 lines match the booklet’s printed margin
Pre-printed opening (given to the student)
Good morning Principal, teachers and fellow students,
On behalf of the Students’ Union, I’d like to welcome all of you to our school. I’m sure we all want to achieve success and have an enjoyable school life, so this morning I’d like to give you some advice.
On behalf of the Students’ Union, I’d like to welcome all of you to our school. I’m sure we all want to achieve success and have an enjoyable school life, so this morning I’d like to give you some advice.
Booklet p.3 (lines 1–19) — NOT IN SCAN
[Booklet p.3 missing from scan. Roughly 19 lines of writing — the candidate’s opening, covering the rules paragraph through its punctuality and obedience sub-points — are lost. The transcription resumes mid-paragraph at line 20.]
Booklet p.4 (lines 20–42)
20[…obedience. Have you ever wondered why you have to arrive at]
21School at exactly 8am? The notion behind is none other
22than forcing you to be punctual, which is of paramount
23importance. Imagine you are the boss of a company,
24and in front of you is an applicant with an
25exclusively excessively high amount of bad morals. Would you
26consider hiring him? The answer should be obvious.
27
28Courtesy, a value which is taught about by
29demonstrating, chatting (in essence) and in essence, is another
30value necessary to know in society. Hence it could be
31clearly seen that following the school rules is of
32utmost importance!
33
34When it comes to an enjoyable school life, I’m sure
35that all of you are thinking of establishing new social
36relationships. And yes, interpersonal relationship relationships is are
37another aspect you should not be oblivious of. It’s a
38necessity that the role of School at it is the school is to provide
39whole-person development, and without a doubt, sound
40communication skills is are part of it. In this Six-years-long
41six-year-long journey, you are given opportunities to mingle
42with your classmates, your club members and even
Booklet p.5 (lines 43–64)
43students from other schools, who could be your friends in
44your secondary school life. I’ve made some friends in
45this school as well. Not only would they enrich my
46school life, but they would also provide assistance
47whenever I encounter authorities adversities in life. We
48have gone through a lot, played a lot and
49shouted supported each other with support. I would happily
50say that I have a fruitful school life thanks to my friends!
51
52Having an extensive interpersonal relationship is
53also a key to succeeding succeed in school. With certain strong
54relationships, you get to know classmates with different
55strengths. Knowing their strengths, you could easily find
56the right person to assist you in completing the tasks
57given by your teachers. For example, if you were asked
58to work on a project which requires the filming of a
59video, you should find someone in your group who are is
60good at using the camera. It is to be would be even better
61if you had known him beforehand, what could be done by
62being friends with him. With the prevalence of group
63work in society, interpersonal relationship relationships is are
64surely an important asset in your school life.
65
66That would conclude my speech. Listen Given, your
67obedience and endeavour, I’m sure that all of you
68would achieve success and have a joyful school life.
69Wish you all the best, and thank you!
Marks earned: ^20 M1 + ^16 M2 + ^19 D3 = 39 / 42 (closest-pair-with-D3). The 2A201 panel’s data sheet shows M1 = 20 and M2 = 16 — a six-mark spread that triggered third-marker (D3) adjudication. D3 awarded 19, and the closest pair (M1 and D3, just one mark apart) was retained, giving the final 20 + 19 = 39. Per-piece band: 5** (39/42 sits at the floor of the 5** band, on the boundary with 5*); the candidate’s overall grade across both parts is 5*. The unusual three-marker structure here reflects the M2 outlier, not any doubt about the script’s quality — both M1 and D3 placed it in the top band.
Word count. Roughly 380–420 words of visible writing (lines 20–69). The booklet-p.3 portion (lines 1–19) adds approximately another 200 words, bringing the full piece to around 580–620 words against the ~200-word target. Like most band-5** Part A scripts in this collection, the candidate goes well over length; the marker has not docked because every paragraph earns its weight.
Unclear handwriting. Four short stretches are difficult to read: “obedience” at the top of line 20 (the page break may have eaten the head of the word; transcribed from context); the participle pair “demonstrating, chatting” in paragraph 2 (could also be demonstrating, sharing or demonstrating, caring); the noun “authorities” in paragraph 3 (clearly a slip for adversities, kept here as a visible candidate self-error then corrected); and the verb “shouted each other” in paragraph 3 (almost certainly intended as supported each other — the corrected version makes the sentence read sensibly, since the candidate then continues “with support”).
Title-style note. The candidate does not label the address with a heading; correct for a speech delivered orally to a known audience.
Word count. Roughly 380–420 words of visible writing (lines 20–69). The booklet-p.3 portion (lines 1–19) adds approximately another 200 words, bringing the full piece to around 580–620 words against the ~200-word target. Like most band-5** Part A scripts in this collection, the candidate goes well over length; the marker has not docked because every paragraph earns its weight.
Unclear handwriting. Four short stretches are difficult to read: “obedience” at the top of line 20 (the page break may have eaten the head of the word; transcribed from context); the participle pair “demonstrating, chatting” in paragraph 2 (could also be demonstrating, sharing or demonstrating, caring); the noun “authorities” in paragraph 3 (clearly a slip for adversities, kept here as a visible candidate self-error then corrected); and the verb “shouted each other” in paragraph 3 (almost certainly intended as supported each other — the corrected version makes the sentence read sensibly, since the candidate then continues “with support”).
Title-style note. The candidate does not label the address with a heading; correct for a speech delivered orally to a known audience.
Strengths to praise
1. The rules argument is built around a single, concrete thought-experiment
Rather than listing rules abstractly, the candidate frames the entire punctuality sub-point as a hiring scenario: “Imagine you are the boss of a company, and in front of you is an applicant with an excessively high amount of bad morals. Would you consider hiring him? The answer should be obvious.” This is the textbook 5**-band move: drop the audience into a future-self scene where the rules matter, rather than telling them the rules matter. The rhetorical question “Would you consider hiring him?” forces the answer the speaker wants, which is what rhetorical questions exist to do.
2. Both bullet points fully addressed, with a clean structural pivot
Rules (visible from line 20 onward, with the punctuality scenario and the courtesy sub-point) → relationships (from the “When it comes to an enjoyable school life…” opener). The pivot uses the second key word from the pre-printed opening (enjoyable school life) to launch the relationships paragraph — a small but real callback that the marker rewards.
3. A personal vignette inside the relationships paragraph
“I’ve made some friends in this school as well. Not only would they enrich my school life, but they would also provide assistance whenever I encounter adversities in life. We have gone through a lot, played a lot and supported each other with support.” The President of the Students’ Union steps out of the abstract case and into a one-sentence memory. This is the move that converts a generic welcome speech into this President’s welcome speech — the marker can hear a specific person behind the words.
4. The relationships argument has a worked example, not just a claim
“For example, if you were asked to work on a project which requires the filming of a video, you should find someone in your group who is good at using the camera.” A concrete classroom scenario (the video project) anchors the abstract claim (interpersonal relationships are an asset). Candidates who reach the 5** band almost always have at least one fully worked-out scenario per body paragraph; this candidate has two (the hiring scenario in paragraph 2, the video-project scenario in paragraph 5).
5. Speech-register markers present throughout
The text remembers it is a speech, not an essay: “Have you ever wondered why…?” (rhetorical question, line 20); “Imagine you are the boss…” (direct address with imperative); “Would you consider hiring him?” (second rhetorical question); “And yes…” (a spoken-register beat that no essay writer would use); “I’ve made some friends in this school as well.” (personal aside); “Wish you all the best, and thank you!” (oral sign-off). Together these earn the text-type mark.
6. Lexical reach without lexical strain
Across the visible portion of the speech: paramount importance, oblivious of, whole-person development, prevalence, extensive interpersonal relationship, mingle, endeavour, adversities, fruitful, asset. Each appears once, in its natural slot — the difference between vocabulary deployed and vocabulary displayed. The marker has seen the range.
7. The close reverses the prompt’s two key words
The closing sentence — “your obedience and endeavour, I’m sure that all of you would achieve success and have a joyful school life” — lifts success and (a synonym for) enjoyable school life straight from the pre-printed opening. The candidate is closing the loop deliberately: the speech ends where the pre-printed opening began, only now with the two bullets earned by the body paragraphs. This is the single most reliable Part A move on prompts with a given opening.
Grammar notes
For a 5** Part A in this collection the live error count is small — mostly subject-verb agreement slips on compound noun phrases, plus a couple of word choices where the candidate reached for a near-miss. The table below catches the items a careful re-read would have fixed, and explains the rule behind each.
| Issue | Explanation |
|---|---|
(line 25) an exclusively high amount of bad morals → an excessively high amount of bad morals |
The intended sense is “to a great extent / very high”, which is excessively. Exclusively means “to the exclusion of other things” and does not modify high. A one-letter / one-prefix slip; the marker has read past it because the meaning is recoverable. |
(line 36) interpersonal relationship is another aspect → interpersonal relationships are another aspect |
The candidate writes relationship (singular) several times in the script where the plural is wanted (you have relationships with many people, not a relationship with the school). When the noun is plural the verb agrees: relationships are, not relationship is. |
(line 40) sound communication skills is part of it → sound communication skills are part of it |
Subject-verb agreement. Skills is plural; communication is the modifier, not the head noun. A classic “nearest-noun” trap. |
(lines 40–41) Six-years-long journey → six-year-long journey |
When a number-noun phrase becomes a compound adjective in front of another noun, the noun is singular: a six-year-long journey, a three-hour-long meeting, a two-week trip. Also note: lower-case six (no need to capitalise inside a sentence). |
(line 59) someone in your group who are good at → someone in your group who is good at |
The relative pronoun who takes the verb of its antecedent someone, which is singular. In your group is a prepositional phrase that does not affect agreement. |
(line 63) interpersonal relationship is surely an important asset → interpersonal relationships are surely an important asset |
Same pluralisation note as above. (The candidate makes this slip consistently; a single read-through could have fixed all four instances together.) |
(line 38) the role of School at it is → the role of the school |
A pen slip where the candidate started a phrase, abandoned it, and did not strike through cleanly. The intended sentence is “It’s a necessity that the role of the school is to provide whole-person development”. |
(lines 42–43) even other schools, who could your friends → even students from other schools, who could be your friends |
Two small repairs in one phrase. Schools cannot themselves be friends — what becomes a friend is a person from another school, so add students from. And the relative clause needs the verb be: who could be your friends, not who could your friends. |
(line 49) shouted each other with support → supported each other |
The phrase as written is incoherent (you don’t shout someone with support). The intended verb is almost certainly supported — which the candidate then repeats as the noun support in the same clause. A pen slip that should have been caught at re-read. |
(line 53) a key to succeed in school → a key to succeeding in school |
After key to, English uses a gerund (-ing form), not a bare infinitive: the key to winning, a key to learning, a key to succeeding. (The same rule applies to secret to, route to, path to, approach to.) The candidate makes this slip; a key to succeed is a common Hong Kong-English form. |
(lines 60–61) It is to be better if you had known him beforehand → It would be even better if you had known him beforehand |
The third-conditional needs would have or would be, not is to be. The candidate’s “had known him” is correct; the main clause needs the matching “would be / would have been”. |
(line 66) That would conclude my speech. Listen, your obedience… → …Given your obedience… |
The opening word of the closing sentence is unclear in the handwriting but as written reads Listen, which is an imperative addressed to the audience and does not connect grammatically to the noun phrase that follows. The intended word is almost certainly Given (i.e., “Given your obedience and endeavour, I’m sure…”), which is a preposition that does take a noun phrase. A single misread word at the start of the closing sentence costs the candidate a tidy final pivot. |
Style suggestions (where 5** could become 5**+)
Categories:
Fluency sentence flow, collocations, rhythm.
Authenticity places that sound student-y or translated; how a native voice would say it.
Text-type fit matching the conventions of the genre — here, a welcome speech.
line refs link a suggestion back to specific lines in the transcript above.
Suggestion 1 · the ‘courtesy’ sentence is the one stretch the marker visibly worked to follow
Fluency
lines 28–30
Original: “Courtesy, a value which is taught about by demonstrating, chatting (in essence), is another value necessary to know in society.”
Try: “Courtesy is the other value. You learn it by example and you teach it by example — and it is what makes a society work.”
The original sentence sets up courtesy as “another value” before naming the value itself, and the parenthetical “by demonstrating, chatting (in essence)” reads as a list whose items don’t quite line up. A speech-friendly rewrite puts the noun first (Courtesy), then explains how it is acquired, then states why it matters. Three short sentences in place of one long one — closer to spoken cadence.
Suggestion 2 · sharpen the ‘hiring scenario’ vocabulary
Authenticity
lines 24–25
Original: “an applicant with an excessively high amount of bad morals”
Try: “an applicant with a long record of being late, of breaking small rules, of cutting corners”
A high amount of bad morals is morphologically odd (morals are countable, not measured in amounts) and abstract just where the scenario asks to be concrete. Replacing the abstract noun with three specific habits gives the audience something to picture — and ties the hiring scenario back to the rules under discussion.
Suggestion 3 · the ‘six-year-long journey’ deserves a vocal beat
Text-type fit
lines 40–43
Original: “In this six-year-long journey, you are given opportunities to mingle with your classmates, your club members and even students from other schools…”
Try: “You have six years here. Six years to find your classmates, your club members, your friends from across the city.”
A welcome speech wants the audience to feel the length of the road ahead. You have six years here as a standalone sentence does that work; the repetition of six years in the next sentence is the rhetorical beat that essay-prose can’t use. The list of three nouns at the end is also a speech device (the rule of three).
Suggestion 4 · the video-project example is a perfect place for a one-word callback
Fluency
lines 59–62
Original: “…you should find someone in your group who is good at using the camera. It would be even better if you had known him beforehand, what could be done by being friends with him.”
Try: “…you should find someone in your group who is good at using the camera. Easier still if you knew them before the project started — which is precisely why you make friends now.”
The candidate’s second sentence is a strong instinct (the friendship pays off in the project) buried in a difficult construction (what could be done by being friends with him). The rewrite keeps the same idea but makes the audience-takeaway explicit: which is precisely why you make friends now. That direct second-person reach back to the audience is the speech move the paragraph wants.
Suggestion 5 · tighten the close
Text-type fit
lines 66–69
Original: “That would conclude my speech. Given your obedience and endeavour, I’m sure that all of you would achieve success and have a joyful school life. Wish you all the best, and thank you!”
Try: “That is all from me. Bring your obedience to the rules, bring your endeavour to your studies, and the success and the joyful school life will come. All the best — and thank you.”
The candidate has the right two key words (obedience, endeavour) and the right two outcomes (success, joyful school life); the close is good. The rewrite tightens the link between the two pairs (bring X, bring Y, the rest will come) and replaces the slightly stiff “That would conclude my speech” with the warmer oral sign-off “That is all from me”.
Suggestion 6 · consider a 250-word target instead of 580
Text-type fit
Original: roughly 580–620 words (including the missing booklet p.3).
Aim: ~250 words. Keep the hiring-scenario in paragraph 2, the courtesy sub-point in paragraph 3 (rewritten as above), the personal-friends vignette in paragraph 4, the video-project example in paragraph 5, and the close in paragraph 6. Drop the punctuality-rule restatement and one of the two relationship-paragraphs.
The marker has not docked length because every paragraph earns its weight, but the speech-craft argument is that a Monday-morning assembly cannot absorb 580 words in one sitting. A 250-word version of this speech, with the same two bullets and the same key examples, would actually hear better in the hall it was written for.
Professional rewrite — the courtesy sentence (weak moment)
Professional rewrite — cleaning up the ‘courtesy, a value which is taught about’ sentence
For comparison only, not a correction. The courtesy sentence is where the rules paragraph briefly loses its footing: the noun (courtesy) is introduced before it has been named, the participial list (demonstrating, chatting) does not quite parse, and the parenthetical (in essence) hangs awkwardly off the end. The rewrite restores the sentence to the same speech-register as the rest of the rules paragraph — noun first, mechanism second, payoff third — in roughly the same word count.
The student’s courtesy sentence (corrected)
Courtesy, a value which is taught about by demonstrating and in essence, is another value necessary to know in society. Hence it could be clearly seen that following the school rules is of utmost importance!
Rewritten by a professional speech-writer
And then there is courtesy — the second thing the school rules quietly teach you. You learn it from the senior who holds a door, from the teacher who waits for the bell, from the classmate who hears you out before she answers. By the time you leave this school, you will have absorbed it the same way — not from a poster on the wall, but from the people around you doing it every day. That is what rules are really for: not to limit you, but to build the habits a working society needs.
What the rewrite is doing differently:
- The noun comes first. And then there is courtesy introduces the value before describing it. The student’s version names the value mid-sentence, after a long subordinate clause, which is why the sentence loses cohesion.
- The mechanism becomes three concrete pictures. The senior who holds a door · the teacher who waits for the bell · the classmate who hears you out replaces the abstract participles demonstrating, chatting. The audience can see each one.
- The payoff is stated directly, not signposted. The student writes Hence it could be clearly seen that… — a textbook essay connective that flattens the speech voice. The rewrite makes the same argument (rules build the habits a working society needs) without naming the move.
- The rules-paragraph close reframes the bullet. Not to limit you, but to build the habits a working society needs answers the question every new Form-1 student secretly asks (why are there rules?) with a one-line case the audience can take away.
- The exclamation mark goes. …is of utmost importance! lands as essay-enthusiasm. The rewrite trusts the picture to do the persuading.
Vocabulary to notice
| Word / phrase | Definition | Usage notes | Synonyms / alternatives |
|---|---|---|---|
| punctual | (adj.) happening or doing something at the agreed or proper time. | Pairs with be, become, remain. Adverb punctually; noun punctuality. The candidate uses both punctual and punctuality in the same sentence — a small lexical flourish. | on time, prompt, timely |
| paramount importance | (n. phrase) the highest degree of importance. | Pairs with of: of paramount importance. No article. Compare with of utmost importance, of vital importance. The candidate uses both paramount and utmost in adjacent paragraphs. | of supreme importance, of the highest importance, critical, crucial |
| excessively | (adv.) to a degree that is too great; more than is necessary, normal, or desirable. | Pairs with high, expensive, complicated, harsh, polite. Carries a faintly negative tone (the thing being modified is more than it should be). Compare extremely (neutral) and exceedingly (formal, positive or neutral). | excessively, overly, too, unduly, immoderately |
| morals | (n. pl.) standards of behaviour; principles of right and wrong. | Almost always plural (poor morals, good morals, lax morals). Compare with morale (n., uncountable: confidence and enthusiasm). The candidate uses morals correctly in plural. | ethics, values, principles, scruples |
| courtesy | (n.) polite behaviour that shows respect for other people. | Pairs with show, extend, treat with. Common courtesy is the everyday fixed phrase. By courtesy of X = thanks to X (e.g., on photo credits). | politeness, civility, manners, respect |
| oblivious of / to | (adj.) not aware of or not concerned about what is happening. | Both prepositions work; oblivious to is slightly more common in modern English. Pairs with oblivious to the danger, to the noise, to one’s surroundings. | unaware of, unmindful of, heedless of, ignorant of |
| whole-person development | (n. phrase) the development of intellectual, physical, social, emotional and ethical dimensions of a person together. | A formal phrase common in Hong Kong educational discourse (the Education Bureau curriculum framework uses it). Hyphenated. Pairs with promote, foster, achieve, pursue. | all-round development, holistic education, well-rounded growth |
| mingle | (v.) to mix or move freely among people in a social gathering. | Often intransitive: mingle with the guests, mingle freely. Pairs with welcome party, reception, crowd. A natural verb for the “new students meeting people” context. | mix, socialise, circulate, fraternise |
| adversities | (n. pl.) difficulties or misfortunes encountered in life. | Often plural in this sense (face many adversities, overcome adversities). Singular adversity is also common (in times of adversity). The candidate’s manuscript reads authorities, which is a near-miss for adversities. | hardships, difficulties, misfortunes, setbacks |
| fruitful | (adj.) producing good or useful results; productive. | Pairs with discussion, meeting, year, partnership, school life. The opposite is fruitless (without results). Originally agricultural; now mostly figurative. | productive, rewarding, profitable, beneficial |
| extensive | (adj.) covering or affecting a large area; wide in range or scope. | Pairs with knowledge, experience, network, damage, range. Slightly more formal than wide or large. The candidate uses extensive interpersonal relationship — the noun should be plural (relationships). | wide-ranging, broad, comprehensive, far-reaching |
| prevalence | (n.) the fact or condition of being widespread or common. | Formal. Pairs with the prevalence of, increase in, decline in. Common in sociology and public-health writing (prevalence of diabetes, of smoking). | commonness, widespread occurrence, frequency, ubiquity |
| asset | (n.) a useful or valuable thing or person; (also: an item of property owned). | Pairs with major, valuable, important, real, prized. An asset to the team / company / community. The candidate’s “an important asset in your school life” is a natural collocation. | resource, advantage, strength, benefit |
| endeavour | (n. / v.) an attempt to achieve something / to try hard to do something. | British spelling; American endeavor. As a noun: a worthy endeavour, scientific endeavour. As a verb: endeavour to do something. The candidate uses the noun form in the closing — correct register for a speech. | effort, attempt, exertion, striving |
| joyful | (adj.) feeling, expressing, or causing great pleasure and happiness. | Pairs with occasion, moment, news, celebration, life. Slightly warmer than happy; carries a small ceremonial quality that fits a welcome speech. | happy, joyous, cheerful, delighted |
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