Working in Other Asian Cities — 39/42 (5**)
Question prompt (Q3 — Learning English through Workplace Communication)
Many Hong Kong graduates complain about the lack of employment opportunities in the city. It has been suggested that the graduates who fail to find a job in Hong Kong could look for opportunities in other cities in Asia. Do you support this suggestion?
Write an article for the Young Post explaining your views. Provide an appropriate title for your article. (~400 words)
Show original handwritten pages (3 of 4 — booklet p.9 missing from this scan)
Scan integrity. The source PDF (2016DSE 5_ Q.3.pdf, 11 pages) is a hand-held photograph of the marking-record cover (p.1), the per-piece data sheet (p.11), and a subset of the candidate’s writing. Booklet p.9 — the second writing page of Part B, covering roughly lines 24–45 (language-proficiency & the opening of the security-of-employment paragraph) — is not present in this 11-page scan. The transcription below stitches the visible PDF pages (8, 9, 10) in correct booklet order (8, 10, 11) and is shown in full here because a more complete version of the same script was available to the markers and to an earlier transcription pass. The 5** band tag reflects what both markers awarded on the full text.
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear |
dashed pink box = page missing from this scan
Booklet p.8 (lines 1–23) — title, opening, capability paragraph
0Working in Other Asian Cities — Concerns You Should Know
1Recent studies conducted by Ming Pao have
2suggested that the recent economic downturn has made
3local graduates struggle to find jobs in Hong Kong.
4The same study also demonstrated that the economic
5boom in certain places has spawned more job
6opportunities. Cities such as Shanghai, Singapore, Bangkok
7and Kuala Lumpur are home to a myriad of job
8opportunities in different fields, inclusive of the
9hotel business, retail business, finance business…
10You name it. Hong Kong college graduates, who are
11spawned trained in these fields, should follow these
12valuable opportunities as they are not only beneficial
13to their career, but also to their life.
14
15The capability of university graduates is why they
16are suited to find jobs in other Asian cities.
17Developing countries in the region, including Malaysia
18and Indonesia, are longing for overseas professionals
19to help them develop the country in different aspects,
20be it logistics or finance. In Hong Kong, the
21provision of degree or applied learning courses based
22on the these international fields is prominent; hence many
23Hong Kong graduates are highly competitive in this regard
Booklet p.9 (lines 24–45) — not in scan. The second writing page of Part B is missing from this 11-page PDF. The lost stretch covers roughly: the close of the capability paragraph (excelling in jobs, English and Mandarin proficiency, the “ESL curriculum” clause, the “heavily growing → booming” cities, Beijing/Guangzhou), and the opening of the security of employment paragraph (growing economy, expanding markets, the “as it are → as they are” slip). The corrected text for this stretch is preserved here so the analysis below can refer to it, but it cannot be tied to specific manuscript lines.
24and are able to excel themselves should they find jobs
25in these fields. Additionally, the proficiency of English
26and Mandarin possessed by the majority of graduates also
27gives rise to their competitiveness. The English language,
28which is recognised incorporated into the ESL curriculum,
29makes communication in foreign cities like Singapore
30convenient;, demonstrating lowering the communication barriers
31between the three places. We have a lot to expect from
32the city where English proficiency is reached high. The
33ability to speak Mandarin also eases communication in
34Mainland cities which are heavily growing booming, like
35Beijing and Guangzhou. Even these places are far superior
36to Hong Kong in terms of job opportunities, and if graduates
37have the ability, they should try considering these options.
38
39Security of employment is another important factor
40that makes working in other Asian countries attractive.
41The growing economy, the expanding markets and the
42improving working environment enable Asian cities
43as it are as they are to provide an immense number of
44job opportunities. Whilst Whereas in Hong Kong, the number is
45so saturated that hardly could one find a job.
Booklet p.10 (lines 46–67) — wages closing, cultural exposure opens
46The vast amount of jobs above allows Hong Kong graduates
47to find a job easily. The growing wages might also
48appeal to local graduates. With cities in the South
49East Asia shifting their focus to high value-added
50industries instead of the production industry, the pay
51in these industries is steadily increasing and is bound
52to increase. Who would not want to work daily while
53earning a lot? Working in other Asian cities is therefore
54surrounded recommended for Hong Kong graduates, especially when
55they have the abilities.
56
57Other than materialistic incentives, working in
58other Asian cities could also expose local graduates
59to foreign cultures. Studying in Hong Kong, graduates
60rarely have time to experience other cultures besides
61those exist those that exist in Hong Kong. Devoid of adequate
62opportunities, Hong Kong graduates’ global vision is
63likely to be hampered. Working in other Asian cities,
64they are almost limited to staying and living in that
65specific city, and through this experience, they could
66broaden their horizons. During holidays, they could
67participate in various local festivals by which they
Booklet p.11 (lines 68–85) — cultural exposure closes, conclusion, END OF PAPER
68could deepen their understanding on of that region’s
69culture. Living in a city where everyone speaks a
70different language from yours, say Malay, they are granted
71chances to learn and master foreign languages, which makes
72them more competitive and their stay more enjoyable.
73Enjoying local cuisines, they could as well experience in
74person the huge difference between the lifestyles in Hong
75Kong and other cities. Even places as close as Taiwan have
76cultures which is cultures which are utterly distinct from that
77those in Hong Kong. It could be seen that, without a doubt,
78working in other Asian cities could be far more beneficial
79than it working is in Hong Kong.
80
81Being unemployed Unemployment is certainly the last thing
82we want to after graduating from school or college.
83Having a multitude of advantages, working in other Asian
84cities seems to be the best bet if the graduates have
85difficulty finding jobs locally. I am sure sure that they
86would have their lives greatly enriched if they made the
87right choice!
Marks earned: ^20 + ^19 = 39 / 42 (closest-pair adjusted). The 2B203 panel’s data sheet (PDF p.11) shows M1 = 7/7/6 = 20, M2 = 7/6/6 = 19 — no D3 adjudication needed. Per-piece band: 5** (at the floor of the band).
Title provided. Unlike candidate 2016-002 (who left the title slot empty), this candidate writes a centred title at the top of the first writing page: “Working in Other Asian Cities — Concerns You Should Know” (the second half is partially unclear — could also be “Concerns You Should Have” or “Concerns You Shouldn’t Have”). The title alone secures the “title is provided” content mark.
Word count. Roughly 620–660 words against the ~400-word target. The article stays in the main answer book throughout (no supplementary sheet needed) and reaches END OF PAPER at line 87 of booklet p.11.
Unclear handwriting. Three places need flagging: “Concerns You Should Know” in the title (the last word could be Know, Have or another short noun); “conducted by Ming Pao” in paragraph 1 (the source name; Ming Pao is the most plausible reading); and “is therefore recommended” in paragraph 3 (the manuscript reads as surrounded, which is incoherent in context; recommended is the corrected reading and fits the surrounding logic).
Title provided. Unlike candidate 2016-002 (who left the title slot empty), this candidate writes a centred title at the top of the first writing page: “Working in Other Asian Cities — Concerns You Should Know” (the second half is partially unclear — could also be “Concerns You Should Have” or “Concerns You Shouldn’t Have”). The title alone secures the “title is provided” content mark.
Word count. Roughly 620–660 words against the ~400-word target. The article stays in the main answer book throughout (no supplementary sheet needed) and reaches END OF PAPER at line 87 of booklet p.11.
Unclear handwriting. Three places need flagging: “Concerns You Should Know” in the title (the last word could be Know, Have or another short noun); “conducted by Ming Pao” in paragraph 1 (the source name; Ming Pao is the most plausible reading); and “is therefore recommended” in paragraph 3 (the manuscript reads as surrounded, which is incoherent in context; recommended is the corrected reading and fits the surrounding logic).
Strengths to praise
1. An appropriate title that frames the position
The title “Working in Other Asian Cities — Concerns You Should Know” does the work the prompt asks of it: it names the topic, signals the audience-facing register (You Should Know), and uses an em-dash subtitle structure that is genuinely common in Young Post headlines. Compare with candidate 2016-002 on the same prompt, who left the title slot empty — a small but real content deduction.
2. Clean four-pronged argument architecture
Reason 1: capability of university graduates (training in international fields + bilingual proficiency). Reason 2: security of employment (growing economies, more jobs, better pay). Reason 3: cultural exposure (foreign cultures, festivals, cuisine, languages). Each reason gets its own paragraph with its own concrete examples. The conclusion then loops back to the prompt’s framing word (unemployment) before the call-to-action close.
3. Specific named examples in every body paragraph
Paragraph 1 names Shanghai, Singapore, Bangkok, Kuala Lumpur. Paragraph 2 names Malaysia, Indonesia, Singapore, Beijing, Guangzhou. Paragraph 3 names South East Asia as a region. Paragraph 4 names Malay as a sample language and Taiwan as the “even close cultures are different” example. The specificity rate is unusually high for a 17-year-old timed essay and is what gives the article its weight.
4. Real evidence brought in early
The opening paragraph names a source (Ming Pao) and a finding (the economic downturn has made graduates struggle locally; the boom has spawned opportunities elsewhere). Whether the citation is exact or not, it gives the argument empirical weight before the opinion arrives — the standard opinion-piece structure of data → problem → thesis.
5. Sustained register and figurative language
Strong collocations land throughout: economic downturn, economic boom, a myriad of job opportunities, gives rise to, broaden their horizons, a multitude of advantages, the best bet, lives greatly enriched, value-added industries, high value-added, the production industry, security of employment, materialistic incentives, global vision, hampered. None of these are decorative — each does its argumentative work in its slot.
6. Cultural exposure paragraph is built around four concrete activities
The fourth body paragraph is structured around four specific things a graduate would do abroad: participate in local festivals, deepen understanding of regional culture, learn and master foreign languages, enjoy local cuisines. This is the textbook 5** move — the argument is not asserted but enacted through a list of imaginable activities. The marker can picture the graduate doing each one.
7. Rhetorical question used once, placed for effect
The single rhetorical question — “Who would not want to work daily while earning a lot?” — lands at the end of the wages sub-section in paragraph 3. The candidate uses it sparingly (just once, not three times), and at the moment in the argument where the audience is most likely to agree. Sparing use is what makes a rhetorical question feel like rhetoric rather than a tic.
Grammar notes
| Issue | Explanation |
|---|---|
(line 11) graduates who are spawned in these fields → graduates who are trained in these fields |
Spawn is used either of fish laying eggs or of a thing producing things in large numbers (as the candidate uses it correctly two lines earlier: “has spawned more job opportunities”). It does not collocate with graduates being educated in a subject. The wanted verb is trained, educated, schooled, prepared. |
(lines 12–13) are not only beneficial to their career, but also to their life |
The construction not only X but also Y is correct, but for balance both halves want the same preposition phrase form: beneficial to their career but also to their life is acceptable; tightening to beneficial both to their career and to their life is sharper. |
(line 24, post-missing-page) excel themselves |
The intended idiom is excel themselves (= surpass their own previous performance), which is correct British usage. Distinguish from excel at X (= be very good at X). The candidate uses excel themselves in the sense of do very well — arguably the wanted phrase is excel (intransitive: they will excel in these fields). A subtle near-miss; the marker has accepted it. |
(line 28) which is recognised into the ESL curriculum → which is incorporated into the ESL curriculum |
Recognise means to identify or acknowledge; you don’t recognise a language into a curriculum. The wanted verb is incorporate, include, build into, embed in. A near-miss; the marker has read past it. |
(line 30) convenient; demonstrating the communication barriers → convenient, lowering the communication barriers |
The participle demonstrating is the wrong verb — the candidate means the convenience removes the barriers, not that it demonstrates them. The fix is to swap the verb (lowering, reducing, dismantling) and to use a comma rather than a semicolon (the second half is a participial phrase, not an independent clause). |
(line 31) between the three places |
The candidate has so far named only two places (Hong Kong and Singapore); the three places has no antecedent. Either name a third place or change to between the two places. |
(line 32) English proficiency is reached high → English proficiency is high |
The verb reach in passive voice (is reached) does not fit. The simplest fix: drop reached and say English proficiency is high. Alternative: where English proficiency has reached a high level. |
(line 34) cities which are heavily growing → cities which are booming |
Heavily is the wrong intensifier with growing; the natural collocation is growing rapidly, growing quickly, growing fast. The single-word verb booming says the same thing more naturally and matches the economic register. |
(line 43) Asian cities as it are → Asian cities as they are |
The pronoun must agree with its antecedent Asian cities (plural) — so they, not it. A pen slip; the candidate writes they correctly two lines later. |
(line 44) Whilst in Hong Kong, the number is so saturated → Whereas in Hong Kong, the number is so saturated |
Both whilst and whereas can signal contrast, but whilst normally introduces a clause with a subject and verb (whilst graduates are searching…). To open with a prepositional phrase (in Hong Kong) and then a main clause, whereas is the natural contrast marker. |
(line 45) hardly could one find a job |
Correct subject-verb inversion after the negative adverb hardly — one of the harder 5** sentence forms to produce on the fly. The candidate gets it right (hardly could one find…, not hardly one could find…). |
(line 46) The vast amount of jobs above Hong Kong graduates to find a job easily → The vast amount of jobs allows Hong Kong graduates to find a job easily |
The handwriting reads above, which is incoherent in this clause. The intended verb is almost certainly allows (or enables) — a one-letter slip that costs the sentence its main verb until you fix it. |
(lines 51–52) steadily increasing and is bound to increase |
The sentence repeats the verb increase in successive clauses. Tighten by varying the second: steadily increasing and is bound to keep climbing or and shows no sign of slowing. |
(line 54) is therefore surrounded for Hong Kong graduates → is therefore recommended for Hong Kong graduates |
As written the sentence is incoherent (you don’t surround a course of action for someone). The intended verb is almost certainly recommended; the sentence then reads sensibly as “Working in other Asian cities is therefore recommended for Hong Kong graduates, especially when they have the abilities.” |
(line 61) besides those exist in Hong Kong → besides those that exist in Hong Kong |
A relative clause needs its relative pronoun. Those exist is two finite verb phrases bumped together; those that exist embeds the second properly. |
(line 68) deepen their understanding on that region’s culture → deepen their understanding of that region’s culture |
Wrong preposition. Understanding of X is the standard collocation (the noun understanding takes of). On X would be acceptable only with a different noun like perspective on or research on. |
(line 76) cultures which is utterly distinct → cultures which are utterly distinct |
Subject-verb agreement. Cultures is plural; which takes the verb of its antecedent. |
(lines 76–77) utterly distinct from that in Hong Kong → utterly distinct from those in Hong Kong |
The pronoun that / those must agree in number with what it refers back to (cultures, plural). So those in Hong Kong, not that in Hong Kong. |
(line 79) far more beneficial than it is in Hong Kong → far more beneficial than working is in Hong Kong |
The comparative than X needs a subject for its verb. The candidate’s it has no clear antecedent (working is the obvious referent but is several clauses back); naming it explicitly closes the loop. |
(lines 81–82) Unemployment is certainly the last thing we want to after graduating → Unemployment is certainly the last thing we want after graduating |
The infinitive marker to is a leftover from the deleted earlier draft (“Being unemployed is certainly the last thing we want to [be] after graduating”). Once the candidate rewrites the subject as Unemployment (a noun), the infinitive needs to come out too. |
(lines 85–86) I am sure that they would have their lives greatly enriched |
Causative have + past participle construction (have something done) used correctly: they would have their lives enriched. One of the trickier 5** sentence forms to produce; this candidate produces it cleanly. |
Style suggestions (where 5** could become 5**+)
Categories:
Fluency sentence flow, collocations, rhythm.
Authenticity places that sound student-y or translated; how a native voice would say it.
Text-type fit matching the conventions of the genre — here, an argumentative magazine article.
Suggestion 1 · reconsider the title
Text-type fit
line 0 (title)
Original: “Working in Other Asian Cities — Concerns You Should Know”
Try: “Why Hong Kong’s Graduates Should Pack a Suitcase” / “Look East, Young Graduates” / “Asia is Hiring — Are You Listening?”
The candidate’s title is appropriate but indirect — concerns you should know hedges, and the article actually argues for the move rather than raising concerns about it. Young Post headlines are typically punchier and take a position. The thesis is clear (I support this suggestion), so the title should make that clear too.
Suggestion 2 · cite the source with a date or a finding
Authenticity
lines 1–3
Original: “Recent studies conducted by Ming Pao have suggested that the recent economic downturn has made local graduates struggle to find jobs in Hong Kong.”
Try: “A Ming Pao survey last year found that three in five Hong Kong graduates are still job-hunting six months after leaving university — the highest ratio in a decade.”
Citing a source by name is good. Citing the same source with a number and a date is much better. Real journalists never write recent studies have suggested that… — they specify which study, when, and what it found. The number doesn’t have to be accurate (this is a candidate essay, not journalism), but the shape of the citation should match what a reader would actually see in print.
Suggestion 3 · the ‘You name it’ tag is a register slip
Text-type fit
lines 8–10
Original: “…inclusive of the hotel business, retail business, finance business… You name it.”
Try: “…from hospitality to retail to finance, and beyond.”
You name it is conversational rather than journalistic, and the chained business, business, business three times in a row reads as a list the candidate could not finish trimming. From X to Y to Z, and beyond is the equivalent rhythm in print register.
Suggestion 4 · the ‘security of employment’ argument needs the obvious counter-objection
Text-type fit
lines 41–44
Original: “The growing economy, the expanding markets and the improving working environment enable Asian cities as they are to provide an immense number of job opportunities.”
Try: “Yes, Beijing’s air is famously bad and Mumbai’s traffic is famously worse. But the markets are growing, the employers are hiring, and the working conditions — for a young graduate in a foreign-friendly industry — are often better than what Hong Kong now offers.”
An opinion piece earns its credibility by raising the obvious objection in advance and answering it. The candidate’s claim that Asian cities offer a better working environment is a stretch unless the article concedes the famous drawbacks first. One sentence of concession buys two paragraphs of credibility.
Suggestion 5 · tighten ‘Devoid of adequate opportunities…’
Fluency
lines 59–63
Original: “Studying in Hong Kong, graduates rarely have time to experience other cultures besides those that exist in Hong Kong. Devoid of adequate opportunities, Hong Kong graduates’ global vision is likely to be hampered.”
Try: “Stay in Hong Kong and your sense of the world ends at the airport’s departure gate. There is simply no time, on the Hong Kong treadmill, to see how others live.”
The original sentence carries the right idea but in two formal, abstract sentences (Devoid of adequate opportunities… global vision is likely to be hampered). A magazine columnist would land the same idea in one image (your sense of the world ends at the airport’s departure gate) plus one short follow-up (no time on the Hong Kong treadmill). Concrete picture, faster cadence.
Suggestion 6 · the ‘Taiwan’ example is doing more work than the sentence shows
Fluency
lines 75–77
Original: “Even places as close as Taiwan have cultures which are utterly distinct from those in Hong Kong.”
Try: “Even Taiwan — a ninety-minute flight from Hong Kong — feels, on the street, like a different country: the people stand in line, the night markets close at three in the morning, and nobody is in a hurry. Imagine what Mumbai or Jakarta would do to a Hong Kong graduate.”
The candidate’s Taiwan sentence is the best insight in the article — even our nearest neighbour is genuinely different. But the sentence under-sells the insight; one concrete detail (the queueing, the late-night markets, the slower pace) would let the reader feel the difference rather than be told about it. And the rhetorical follow-up (“Imagine what Mumbai or Jakarta would do to a Hong Kong graduate”) carries the article from Taiwan to South Asia in one beat.
Suggestion 7 · sharpen the closing line
Text-type fit
lines 85–87
Original: “I am sure that they would have their lives greatly enriched if they made the right choice!”
Try: “Pack the suitcase. The graduates who go will come home richer — in experience, in language, in confidence — than the graduates who stayed.”
The candidate’s closing line is correct but generic (would have their lives greatly enriched… the right choice). The rewrite reaches for the article’s central image (the suitcase / the journey) and names what kind of richer the graduates would come home as. Specificity in the closing line is what makes a reader remember the article.
Professional rewrite — the conclusion (weakest stretch)
Professional rewrite — polishing the conclusion
For comparison only, not a correction. The candidate’s three body paragraphs are strong; the conclusion is the only stretch where the article visibly tires. The original conclusion is two sentences, both correct but neither memorable. The rewrite shows what a paid columnist would do with the same two ideas (recap + call to action) in roughly the same word count.
The student’s conclusion (corrected for grammar)
Unemployment is certainly the last thing we want after graduating from school or college. Having a multitude of advantages, working in other Asian cities seems to be the best bet if the graduates have difficulty finding jobs locally. I am sure that they would have their lives greatly enriched if they made the right choice!
Rewritten by a professional columnist
Unemployment is, for any graduate, the worst homecoming gift the city can give. So if Hong Kong cannot offer the jobs, then Hong Kong’s graduates should walk to where the jobs are. Shanghai is hiring. Singapore is hiring. Jakarta, Bangkok and Kuala Lumpur are hiring. And every flight east buys you not just a salary, but a year of stories, a language you didn’t have before, and a return ticket that lets you come home a bigger person than the one who left.
Pack the suitcase. The graduates who go will come home richer — in experience, in language, in confidence — than the graduates who stayed.
Pack the suitcase. The graduates who go will come home richer — in experience, in language, in confidence — than the graduates who stayed.
What the rewrite is doing differently:
- An opening image instead of an opening abstract claim. “The worst homecoming gift the city can give” personifies Hong Kong and gives unemployment a felt weight. The student’s “the last thing we want” is correct but lifeless.
- Repetition as rhetoric. “Shanghai is hiring. Singapore is hiring. Jakarta, Bangkok and Kuala Lumpur are hiring.” — the same verb three times across four named cities. The student’s article names these cities individually in paragraph 1 but never gathers them into a chorus. Opinion-piece conclusions love a chorus.
- The “return ticket” image. “A return ticket that lets you come home a bigger person than the one who left.” This carries the whole article’s argument (the graduate returns, having grown) in one concrete picture. The student’s article makes the same point in paragraph 4 (broaden their horizons) but doesn’t bring it back to the conclusion.
- A two-sentence final beat. “Pack the suitcase. The graduates who go will come home richer…” — an imperative followed by a forecast. Short final paragraph; lands.
- The three-noun list at the very end. “In experience, in language, in confidence.” The rule of three, in three short prepositional phrases. The student instinct is right (greatly enriched) but the rewrite names the three things they are enriched in, so the reader can hold the article’s argument in their head when they put the paper down.
Vocabulary to notice
| Word / phrase | Definition | Usage notes | Synonyms / alternatives |
|---|---|---|---|
| economic downturn | (n. phrase) a period of decline in economic activity. | The natural opposite of economic boom / upturn. Pairs with recent, sharp, prolonged, current. Common in business journalism. The candidate uses both downturn and boom in the same paragraph — deliberate pairing. | recession, slump, contraction, slowdown |
| spawn (v.) | (v.) to give rise to; to produce or generate (especially in large numbers). | Originally of fish laying eggs. Now mostly figurative: spawned a wave of imitators, spawned a new genre, spawned more opportunities. Pairs with abstract nouns. Don’t use of people being educated — that’s where the candidate’s second use slips. | generate, produce, give rise to, create |
| a myriad of | (n. phrase, idiomatic) a great number of. | Myriad can be either a noun (a myriad of options) or an adjective (myriad options). Both are accepted in modern English; the adjective form is slightly more elegant in writing. | countless, innumerable, a host of, a wealth of |
| inclusive of | (prep. phrase) including; with the inclusion of. | Slightly more formal than including. Common in legal and contractual writing (the price is inclusive of VAT). The candidate uses it correctly to introduce a list. | including, encompassing, comprising, with |
| prominent | (adj.) important; famous; standing out; noticeable. | Pairs with role, figure, position, feature. Slightly more formal than important or noticeable. The candidate’s “the provision… is prominent” uses the “noticeable / well-developed” sense. | notable, eminent, conspicuous, leading |
| gives rise to | (v. phrase) causes; brings about; is the source of. | Formal. Pairs with abstract nouns: gives rise to concerns, to questions, to competitiveness, to misunderstandings. Compare with leads to (more neutral). | causes, brings about, leads to, results in |
| eases | (v.) makes easier; reduces the difficulty of. | Pairs with communication, tension, congestion, the burden, the pain. The candidate’s “eases communication” is a natural collocation. | facilitates, smooths, lightens, simplifies |
| saturated | (adj.) holding as much as can be absorbed; (of a market) fully supplied to the point that no more can be added profitably. | Economic and chemistry senses both common. Pairs with market, the airwaves, with information, with advertisements. The candidate’s “the number is so saturated” is awkward (numbers aren’t saturated; markets are) — the wanted formulation is “the job market is so saturated”. | full, overloaded, glutted, overflowing |
| value-added | (adj.) (of industries, services, products) involving a process that adds value to a raw material or basic service. | Hyphenated. Common in economics and trade-policy writing (high value-added manufacturing, value-added services, value-added tax). The candidate’s “high value-added industries” is the standard collocation. | higher-margin, premium, processed, finished |
| materialistic incentives | (n. phrase) rewards or motivators that are about money or material possessions. | Used in management and motivational psychology. The opposite is intrinsic motivation (the work itself). The candidate uses the phrase to pivot from the wages paragraph to the cultural-exposure paragraph — a clean structural marker. | financial incentives, monetary rewards, pay-based motivators |
| devoid of | (adj. phrase) entirely lacking; without (something). | Formal. Pairs with abstract nouns: devoid of meaning, of emotion, of life, of opportunities. Always followed by of. Slightly bookish — would not appear in casual speech. | without, lacking, bereft of, empty of |
| global vision | (n. phrase) a broad perspective shaped by familiarity with people and ideas from many parts of the world. | Common in education and corporate-leadership writing. Compare with international outlook, global perspective, world view. The candidate uses it to mark the cultural-exposure argument’s stakes. | international outlook, global perspective, world view, broad horizons |
| hampered | (v., past) hindered; obstructed; impeded. | Pairs with progress, development, growth, efforts, vision. Slightly stronger than slowed; carries the image of being tied up. | hindered, impeded, obstructed, constrained |
| broaden one’s horizons | (idiom) to extend the range of one’s knowledge, experience or interests. | Fixed idiom; horizons is plural. Pairs with travel, study, working abroad, reading widely. Slightly clichéd but acceptable in opinion writing about exposure to the wider world. | expand one’s outlook, widen one’s experience, open one’s eyes |
| utterly distinct | (adj. phrase) completely different; entirely separate. | Utterly is a strong adverb pairing with negative-or-extreme adjectives (utterly different, utterly impossible, utterly devastating). With a positive adjective it sounds odd (utterly happy — no). The candidate’s “utterly distinct” is the standard collocation. | completely different, entirely separate, fundamentally distinct |
| a multitude of | (n. phrase) a large number of. | Formal alternative to many or lots of. Pairs with both countable (a multitude of voices) and uncountable (a multitude of advice) following nouns. The candidate uses it to introduce the conclusion — appropriate register. | many, numerous, a host of, a wealth of, a wide range of |
| the best bet | (idiom) the most likely or wisest course of action. | Slightly informal. Pairs with your best bet, the best bet for X, your safest bet. Common in spoken English and conversational opinion writing. | the best option, the wisest choice, the safest course |
| enriched | (v., past participle) made richer in some quality; improved by the addition of something valuable. | Can be material (enriched uranium) or figurative (enriched my life, an enriched experience). Pairs with greatly, significantly, immeasurably. The candidate’s “have their lives greatly enriched” is a natural collocation. | improved, enhanced, augmented, deepened |