Welcome Speech to New Students — 39/42 (5**)
Question prompt
You are the President of the Students’ Union at your school. You are preparing a speech to welcome new students on the first day of school. In order to help new students achieve success and have an enjoyable school life, you want to talk about the following in your speech:
- importance of following school rules; and
- importance of interpersonal relationships.
The first part of the speech has been written for you. Finish the speech. (~200 words)
Show original handwritten pages (3)
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear |
italic dashed box = pre-printed text |
margin numbers every 5 lines match the booklet’s printed margin
Pre-printed opening (given to the student)
Good morning Principal, teachers and fellow students,
On behalf of the Students’ Union, I’d like to welcome all of you to our school. I’m sure we all want to achieve success and have an enjoyable school life, so this morning I’d like to give you some advice.
On behalf of the Students’ Union, I’d like to welcome all of you to our school. I’m sure we all want to achieve success and have an enjoyable school life, so this morning I’d like to give you some advice.
Booklet p.3 (lines 1–17)
1The first thing that strike strikes many of you as being intimidating
2would most probably be the school rules that need to be strictly
3followed. However, there is no need to be afraid of them;
4think of it as a set of standardized social norms that each
5and every one of you would follow on a day-to-day basis. Seeing
6your anxious faces, it reminds me of how I was overthinking about
7the notion of school rules as if they were meant to restrict and
8limit me to an unbearable extent. I have been there and I can
9assure you that the fundamental purpose of school rules is nothing
10like what I envisioned; rather, it serves constantly as a reminder
11to inform me of what should be done and what is not
12acceptable, ranging from punctuality and politeness to the way we dress.
13Imagine what would it be like it would be like when everyone is not attending
14classes on time or when we dress wear school uniform in whichever
15way that pleases us? Without the implementation of school rules, it
16would tremendously disrupt order at school and neither teachers
17nor students would be benefited benefit in the end. Further to that,
Booklet p.4 (lines 18–40)
18complying with school rules gives you an idea of how rules are practically
19executed, which invariably prepares you well for all sorts of
20social circumstances where you have to abide by rules, be it
21rules in the workplace, civil rules or any other rules in a general sense.
22This is why I have to stress the importance of following school
23rules. Since what you have acquired in secondary education in
24relation relation to the conception of rules is not only confined to the
25context of school life, it would also prove itself to be more
26than useful in the foreseeable future for all of you.
27
28Look at the strange faces around you; you might not have the
29courage in to take the initiative to introduce yourself to one another
30because of being shy and timid, but this is ultimately one of
31the most valuable lessons you will have to learn and it is
32of utmost importance for the rest of your life. These days we
33can neither settle for not rely nor rely too heavily on being high
34academic achievers alone — as we are living in a world that
35increasingly values one’s social capability more. As
36such, it is essential that we, as students, equip ourselves with
37the necessary social skills for facilitating effective communication,
38including but not limited to reading social cues, careful listening
39and giving the appropriate response. The campus life that you
40are about to embark on would therefore be the perfect place
Booklet p.5 (lines 41–52)
41for you to hone such skills as you will meet a wide variety of
42people who might be introverts, extroverts or a combination of the two.
43Seize the opportunity to interact with those you dare not — and would otherwise
44not — I am sure you can learn something that is never going
45to be covered in textbooks!
46
47I am looking forward to getting to know better about you
48guys and and — do come to me should you encounter any difficulties
49or doubts alike — and I will be more than willing to offer
50you help. I hope you fid find what I delivered today useful and
51insightful! Good luck to your promising campus life here, and
52thank you.
Marks earned: ^21 + ^18 = 39 / 42 (closest-pair adjusted). The two markers split more widely on this script than on most 5** pieces — one awarded the maximum 21 across the band components, the second awarded 18. The closest-pair rule holds both marks rather than averaging. The piece sits firmly in the top band overall, but the gap signals where opinions diverge: the first marker rewarded the lexical reach and structural ambition; the second was likely cooler about the heavy abstract-noun stacks (the conception of rules, standardized social norms, social capability, facilitating effective communication) and the run-on closing paragraph.
Word count. Roughly 470 words against the ~200-word target — more than double the brief. The question asks the candidate to finish the speech after the pre-printed opening, so length isn’t penalised severely, but a tightening pass would help the speech land on time.
The final paragraph is one long run-on sentence. The student fuses a sign-off (“I am looking forward to getting to know you guys”), an open invitation (“do come to me should you encounter any difficulties”) and an offer of help into a single sentence held together by dashes. A speech audience won’t track punctuation; breaking this into three short sentences would land it cleanly — see Suggestion 9.
Word count. Roughly 470 words against the ~200-word target — more than double the brief. The question asks the candidate to finish the speech after the pre-printed opening, so length isn’t penalised severely, but a tightening pass would help the speech land on time.
The final paragraph is one long run-on sentence. The student fuses a sign-off (“I am looking forward to getting to know you guys”), an open invitation (“do come to me should you encounter any difficulties”) and an offer of help into a single sentence held together by dashes. A speech audience won’t track punctuation; breaking this into three short sentences would land it cleanly — see Suggestion 9.
Strengths to praise
1. Speech-aware opening that meets the audience where they are
Instead of launching into the topic, the candidate names the audience’s likely feeling: “The first thing that strikes many of you as being intimidating would most probably be the school rules.” Then the speaker steps inside the audience’s head: “Seeing your anxious faces, it reminds me of how I was overthinking about the notion of school rules.” This is exactly how a real speaker opens — by anticipating and disarming the listener’s first reaction.
2. The “former first-year” voice runs throughout
The speaker keeps positioning themselves as a senior student who has lived through what the newcomers are feeling: “I have been there and I can assure you…”, “I was overthinking…”, “I am looking forward to getting to know better about you guys…”. That persona makes the advice feel earned rather than preached — a sophisticated tonal choice for a welcome speech.
3. Reframes “rules” as “social norms,” not “restrictions”
“Think of it as a set of standardized social norms that each and every one of you would follow on a day-to-day basis.” The metaphor reframes rules as something the audience already does outside school. Later this is extended (“rules in the workplace, civil rules, or any other rules in a general sense”) so school rules become rehearsal for adult life. Solid two-step argument: defuse the fear, then enlarge the stakes.
4. Wide and accurate lexical range
Intimidating, strictly, standardized, social norms, anxious, envisioned, restrict, unbearable, fundamental, punctuality, implementation, disrupt, complying, invariably, abide by, foreseeable, timid, settle for, capability, facilitating, social cues, embark on, hone, introverts, extroverts, insightful. These are deployed in the right collocations — the candidate has internalised them, not just memorised them.
5. Concrete examples instead of abstractions
The rules paragraph stays grounded with three named behaviours: “punctuality and politeness to the way we dress”, then “everyone is not attending classes on time or when we wear school uniform in whichever way that pleases us”. The relationships paragraph names “introverts, extroverts or a combination of the two” and three communication moves: “reading social cues, careful listening and giving the appropriate response.” Examples like these are the difference between a 5 and a 5**.
6. The transition between the two halves is implicit but clean
There is no “Now let’s move on to interpersonal relationships.” Instead, the rules paragraph closes on the foreseeable future (“more than useful in the foreseeable future for all of you”) and the next paragraph opens with a visual cue (“Look at the strange faces around you”) that pivots the audience’s attention from the abstract (rules) to the concrete (the people in the hall). Most candidates use a sign-posting phrase; this one uses staging instead — the bolder choice.
7. A memorable closing line of advice
“Seize the opportunity to interact with those you dare not — and would otherwise not — I am sure you can learn something that is never going to be covered in textbooks!” The contrast between covered in textbooks and learning from strangers is the kind of takeaway a Form 1 might actually remember walking out of the hall. A solid pay-off for the relationships argument.
Grammar notes
| Issue | Explanation |
|---|---|
(line 1) The first thing that strike many of you → strikes |
Subject-verb agreement. The relative clause’s subject is that, standing in for the singular thing; the verb is strikes. |
(line 9) I can assure you of the fundamental purpose…is nothing → I can assure you that the fundamental purpose…is nothing |
Assure takes two patterns: assure someone of something (I assure you of my support) or assure someone that… followed by a clause. With a clause (the purpose is nothing…) the conjunction is that, not of. |
(line 13) Imagine what would it be like when… → Imagine what it would be like when… |
An indirect question (inside imagine…) keeps statement word order — subject before verb. Inversion is for direct questions only (What would it be like?) but not for embedded ones (Imagine what it would be like). |
(line 14) when we dress school uniform → when we wear school uniform |
Dress is intransitive in this sense (I dress smartly, dress up, dress down) or takes a person as object (dress the baby). The verb that takes uniform, jeans, a tie, etc. as object is wear. |
(line 17) neither teachers nor students would be benefited → would benefit |
Benefit in this sense is intransitive and active (teachers benefit, students benefit); the passive be benefited is non-standard. Compare with profit — we say they profit from this, not they are profited. |
(line 21) rules in workplace → rules in the workplace |
Workplace is a count noun and takes the definite article when referring to the workplace as a general concept: in the workplace, at the workplace. |
(line 24) in relation the conception of rules → in relation to the conception of rules |
In relation to X is the fixed prepositional phrase. The student dropped the to. |
(line 29) you might not have the courage in taking the initiative → the courage to take the initiative |
After the courage, English uses an infinitive (the courage to speak, to leave, to refuse), not a gerund with in. |
(line 33) we can neither settle for not rely too heavily → neither settle for… nor rely too heavily |
The neither…nor… pair is the standard correlative. The student wrote not in the second slot, which doesn’t pair with neither. Also the settle for needs an object (settle for less, settle for academic achievement) — the cleanest fix is to break the sentence: We can no longer settle for academic achievement alone, nor rely too heavily on it. |
(line 47) I am looking forward to getting to know better about you guys → getting to know you guys better |
Know here is transitive — the object is you guys, and the adverb better follows the object (or sits before know: getting to know you guys better). Know about is a different construction (used for facts/topics: know about astronomy), not for getting acquainted with people. |
(line 48) you guys and do come to me → you guys — do come to me… |
The student wrote and where a sentence break (or a dash) is needed. The clause that follows (do come to me) is a fresh imperative, not a continuation of the previous clause. |
(line 50) I hope you fid what I delivered today useful → find |
Simple typo — fid for find. The construction find X useful works (object + adjective complement). |
Style suggestions (where strong writing could become outstanding)
Categories:
Fluency sentence flow, collocations, rhythm.
Authenticity places that sound student-y or translated; how a native voice would say it.
Text-type fit matching the conventions of the genre — here, a welcome speech.
line refs link a suggestion back to specific lines in the transcript above.
Suggestion 1 · trim the opening to land it faster
Text-type fit
lines 1–3
Original: “The first thing that strikes many of you as being intimidating would most probably be the school rules that need to be strictly followed.”
Try: “The first thing that probably scares you a little is the rule book.”
The student’s sentence is grammatically rich but heavy in the mouth. Speech sentences want fewer subordinate clauses and fewer abstract nouns. The rule book as a single concrete image lands in one word what the original takes a clause to say.
Suggestion 2 · reset the “standardized social norms” metaphor
Authenticity
lines 4–5
Original: “think of it as a set of standardized social norms that each and every one of you would follow on a day-to-day basis”
Try: “think of them as the kind of unwritten rules you already follow every day — queuing up, saying please, not blasting your music on the bus”
Standardized social norms is sociology-textbook English. A speech audience hears the same thought better when it lands with three concrete examples. Note also: the original has the metaphor as singular (think of it) but rules is plural — think of them agrees.
Suggestion 3 · lighten “I was overthinking about the notion of school rules”
Authenticity
lines 5–8
Original: “Seeing your anxious faces, it reminds me of how I was overthinking about the notion of school rules as if they were meant to restrict and limit me to an unbearable extent.”
Try: “I see the faces — and I see myself three years ago, convinced the rules existed to make my life miserable.”
Two improvements: (i) the dangling participle (Seeing your anxious faces, it reminds me — literally, it is doing the seeing) tightens to a clean parallel (I see the faces — and I see myself…); (ii) convinced the rules existed to make my life miserable is the actual feeling, not the notion of school rules to an unbearable extent.
Suggestion 4 · sharpen the “rules in the workplace, civil rules…” listing
Fluency
line 21
Original: “rules in the workplace, civil rules or any other rules in a general sense”
Try: “the rules of the office, the rules of the road, the rules of the law”
A triplet of the rules of X phrases lands with rhythm and makes each domain concrete (office — road — law). Or any other rules in a general sense is a filler tail — the listener has already understood the point.
Suggestion 5 · recast the “in relation to the conception of rules” clause
Fluency
lines 23–25
Original: “what you have acquired in secondary education in relation to the conception of rules is not only confined to the context of school life”
Try: “what school teaches you about rules doesn’t stay inside the school gates”
What you have acquired in secondary education in relation to the conception of rules is six abstract nouns in a row. The rewrite says the same thing in concrete words, in a third of the length, with a visual image (the school gates) at the end.
Suggestion 6 · cut “of utmost importance for the rest of your life”
Text-type fit
lines 31–32
Original: “this is ultimately one of the most valuable lessons you will have to learn and it is of utmost importance for the rest of your life”
Try: “this is one of the most valuable lessons school can teach you — and it’ll keep paying back for years.”
Two stock phrases stacked (ultimately one of the most valuable lessons + of utmost importance for the rest of your life) flatten the line. Replacing the second with a colloquial half-line (it’ll keep paying back for years) restores the speech rhythm.
Suggestion 7 · “social capability” — the natural phrase is “social skills”
Authenticity
lines 34–35
Original: “we are living in a world that increasingly values one’s social capability more”
Try: “we live in a world that cares about social skills as much as it cares about grades”
Social capability is correct but not idiomatic; native speakers say social skills. The rewrite also names the contrast (social skills as much as grades) that the next two sentences are about to argue.
Suggestion 8 · “including but not limited to” is corporate boilerplate
Text-type fit
lines 36–39
Original: “equip ourselves with the necessary social skills for facilitating effective communication, including but not limited to reading social cues, careful listening and giving the appropriate response”
Try: “pick up the skills that make us better communicators — reading the room, listening properly, knowing what to say back”
Including but not limited to is contract-and-policy language. In a speech, just give the three examples and let them stand. Reading the room / knowing what to say back are also more speakable than reading social cues / giving the appropriate response.
Suggestion 9 · break up the final paragraph’s run-on
Text-type fit
lines 47–50
Original: “I am looking forward to getting to know better about you guys and do come to me should you encounter any difficulties or doubts alike and I will be more than willing to offer you help.”
Try: “I’m looking forward to getting to know you. Come and find me whenever you need to — I’m here to help.”
The original is one breathless sentence with three ideas chained by and. A speech audience needs the breaks. Three short sentences (greeting, invitation, offer) land each beat.
Suggestion 10 · close on a single short line
Text-type fit
lines 50–52
Original: “I hope you find what I delivered today useful and insightful! Good luck to your promising campus life here and thank you.”
Try: “I hope you’ve found something useful in what I’ve said. Good luck — and welcome.”
What I delivered today sounds like an after-action report. Promising campus life piles two abstract adjectives in front of the noun. Speech endings work best when they accelerate into a short final line; Good luck — and welcome closes the loop with the pre-printed opening (which said welcome) and lands in five words.
Professional rewrite — the closing paragraph (weak moment)
Professional rewrite — turning the run-on close into three clean speech beats
For comparison only, not a correction. The closing paragraph is the single spot where the candidate’s otherwise composed voice frays. Three ideas (sign-off, invitation, offer) are fused by and…and… into one breathless sentence; the final wishes pile two abstract adjectives (promising campus life) onto the last noun before the audience can settle. The rewrite separates the three beats and lets each one land, in roughly the same word count.
The student’s closing paragraph (corrected)
I am looking forward to getting to know you guys better — do come to me should you encounter any difficulties or doubts alike — and I will be more than willing to offer you help. I hope you find what I delivered today useful and insightful! Good luck to your promising campus life here and thank you.
Rewritten by a professional speech-writer
I am looking forward to getting to know each one of you. If something is troubling you in your first few weeks — a class you can’t keep up with, a friend you haven’t quite made — come and find me. I would much rather hear about it early. I hope something I have said this morning stays with you. Good luck — and welcome.
What the rewrite is doing differently:
- The three beats are unpicked into three sentences. Sign-off (looking forward to getting to know each one of you) · invitation (come and find me) · reason for the invitation (I would much rather hear about it early). A speech audience needs the breaks; the dashes in the original were doing structural work that punctuation can’t carry in spoken delivery.
- The invitation is specified. Should you encounter any difficulties or doubts alike is registered up high (legal / formal). The rewrite substitutes two concrete examples (a class you can’t keep up with, a friend you haven’t quite made) — the kinds of trouble a Form 1 student will actually have in the first month.
- The “I hope you found it useful” sentence is rescued. What I delivered today is post-mortem register; something I have said this morning sits inside the speech as it happens. Stays with you replaces useful and insightful (two soft adjectives) with a single behavioural promise.
- The exclamation marks go. The original closes with two exclamation marks in three lines (insightful! … thank you.). The rewrite trusts the rhythm of the short final line (Good luck — and welcome) to do the lifting.
- The closing echoes the pre-printed opening. The given opening said welcome all of you to our school. Ending on and welcome closes the loop — the speech began and ends with the same word, the strongest single move available in a speech of this length.
Vocabulary to notice
| Word | Definition | Usage notes | Synonyms / alternatives |
|---|---|---|---|
| intimidating | (adj.) frightening or threatening, especially because of size, complexity, or authority. | Used of people, places, situations, tasks. The verb is intimidate; the noun, intimidation. | daunting, frightening, formidable, off-putting |
| envisioned | (v., past) imagined as a future possibility; visualized. | Slightly formal. Often used for plans, futures, scenarios: envisioned a career, envisioned a different outcome. | imagined, foresaw, visualized, pictured |
| unbearable | (adj.) not able to be endured or tolerated. | Strong word; pairs with pain, heat, silence, pressure, extent, suffering. Adverb: unbearably. | intolerable, insufferable, unendurable, oppressive |
| fundamental | (adj.) forming a necessary base or core; of central importance. | Often pre-modifies purpose, principle, right, change, difference, question. Compare with basic (less elevated). | essential, central, core, foundational |
| punctuality | (n.) the quality of being on time. | Civic / professional virtue. Pairs with value, insist on, take pride in. Adjective: punctual. | timekeeping, promptness, being on time |
| complying with | (v. + prep.) acting in accordance with a rule, request, or order. | Formal. Common in legal and regulatory contexts: complying with the law, with regulations, with safety requirements. | obeying, abiding by, conforming to, observing |
| invariably | (adv.) in every case or on every occasion; always. | Slightly formal; useful in arguments about cause and effect: invariably leads to, invariably results in, invariably the case. | always, without exception, consistently, inevitably |
| abide by | (phrasal v.) to accept and act in accordance with a rule, decision or law. | Almost exclusively paired with rules, decisions, agreements. More formal than follow. | comply with, observe, adhere to, respect |
| foreseeable | (adj.) able to be predicted; likely to happen in the near future. | Fixed phrase: in / for the foreseeable future. Adverb: foreseeably. | predictable, expected, anticipated, on the horizon |
| timid | (adj.) showing a lack of courage or confidence; easily frightened. | Used of people, animals, gestures, voices. Compare with shy (less negative). | shy, hesitant, fearful, retiring |
| capability | (n.) the power or ability to do something. | Often plural in technical contexts: military capabilities, technical capabilities. Capacity is a near-synonym but emphasises potential more than skill. | ability, capacity, competence, skill |
| facilitating | (v., -ing) making (an action or process) easier; assisting. | Slightly formal / corporate; useful in policy and educational writing: facilitating dialogue, facilitating learning. Noun: facilitator. | enabling, easing, assisting, smoothing |
| social cues | (n. phrase) verbal or non-verbal signals that guide behaviour in social interactions. | Common in psychology and communication writing. Pair with read, pick up on, miss, respond to. | signals, hints, body language, non-verbal signs |
| embark on | (phrasal v.) to begin a new project, journey, or course of action. | Often pairs with journey, career, project, adventure, course. From the literal sense of boarding a ship. | begin, undertake, set out on, launch into |
| hone | (v.) to refine or improve (a skill, ability) over time; to sharpen. | Originally of sharpening blades on a hone (whetstone). Now figurative: hone one’s skills, hone an argument, hone one’s craft. | sharpen, refine, polish, perfect |
| introvert / extrovert | (n.) a person who is reserved and inward-looking / outgoing and sociable. | From Jungian psychology. The third type is ambivert (in between). Adjectives: introverted, extroverted. | (introvert) reserved person, loner; (extrovert) outgoing person, social butterfly |
| seize the opportunity | (idiom) to take advantage of a chance when it appears. | The verb seize implies decisiveness and speed. Pair with seize the moment, seize the day, seize control. | take the chance, grasp the opportunity, jump at it |
| insightful | (adj.) having or showing a deep and accurate understanding. | Often used of comments, analyses, books, lectures. The noun is insight. | perceptive, astute, illuminating, thought-provoking |
| promising | (adj.) showing signs of future success or excellence. | Used of people, careers, starts, futures. Compare with up-and-coming, budding. | auspicious, hopeful, encouraging, full of promise |
| implementation | (n.) the process of putting a decision or plan into effect. | Formal. Pair with policy, system, plan, programme, reform. Verb: implement. | execution, enactment, application, carrying out |
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