Welcome Speech to New Students — 41/42 (5** high end)
Question prompt
You are the President of the Students’ Union at your school. You are preparing a speech to welcome new students on the first day of school. In order to help new students achieve success and have an enjoyable school life, you want to talk about the following in your speech:
- importance of following school rules; and
- importance of interpersonal relationships.
The first part of the speech has been written for you. Finish the speech. (~200 words)
Show original handwritten pages (3)
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear — see polished rewrite below |
italic dashed box = pre-printed text |
margin numbers every 5 lines match the booklet’s printed margin
Pre-printed opening (given to the student)
Good morning Principal, teachers and fellow students,
On behalf of the Students’ Union, I’d like to welcome all of you to our school. I’m sure we all want to achieve success and have an enjoyable school life, so this morning I’d like to give you some advice.
On behalf of the Students’ Union, I’d like to welcome all of you to our school. I’m sure we all want to achieve success and have an enjoyable school life, so this morning I’d like to give you some advice.
Booklet p.3 (lines 1–23)
1To start with, I would like to emphasize
2the importance of abiding by the school rules.
3Ask yourself: What if do the school rules mean
4to you? Are they merely a sets set of rules that
5students should follow in order not to be
6penalized by the school authority? I believe
7that sticking to the school rules could help
8foster the development of a harmonious campus.
9
10The school rules are basically a set of
11guidelines which states state clearly what should or
12should not be done at school. For instance,
13it is so clear as a phsestaff that under the
14school rules, under no circumstances should foul
15languages language be spoken. If we could uphold the
16school rules, we would be respectful to each
17other. If not, it is easy that we end up
18insulting each other with sleazy jokes and
19vulgar expressions. Not only it would would it hinder
20the development of a harmonious campus, our
21school’s reputation would also be harmed when
22outsiders realize that what our students are
23doing is at odds with all virtues that we
Booklet p.4 (lines 24–47)
24try to advocate.
25
26Apart from safeguarding the
27harmony and reputation of our school, following
28the school rules helps to prepare yourselves
29for getting into our society. It is said that
30school are schools are a miniature of our society, which
31is well-received for its sound legal system.
32Outside school, it’s all about rules. Rules that
33prevent corruption, rules that against guard against violence
34and etc so on. Violation of rules in our society could result
35in grave consequences. Ergo, following our school
36rules to a certain extent helps all of you to get
37ready for the future, and learn how to be
38diligent, and learn how to prevent yourselves
39from carrying out unlawful behaviors under
40a surge of adrenaline. With In hindsight, following
41the school rules helps you to control yourself.
42
43Now, let’s move on to the importance of
44interpersonal relationships. What are they? They
45could be relationships between you and your classmates,
46friends, teachers and etc so on. A healthy interpersonal
47relationship pave paves the way for an enjoyable
Booklet p.5 (lines 48–71)
48school life. People with sound interpersonal
49relationship relationships tend to have less fewer arguments and
50confrontations with others, and the same goes
51to all of you. Who wants to have confrontations
52every day when we are already toiling along the
53path of exams and tests?
54
55In addition, healthy
56interpersonal relationship relationships could lay a solid
57foundation for a successful school life. School
58life is all about group works work, ranging from
59projects to running various kinds of presentations.
60Admit it, we are not perfect, and thus
61we need to seek for advice from others. I am
62sure that if you could have a strong bond
63with your classmates and friends, very likely
64they will be willing to lend you their helping
65hands when you are in need, which brings you
66half way to your final success.
67
68Now you know the importance of interpersonal
69relationships and following the school rules. Last but
70not least, I wish you all a fruitful and enjoyable
71school life ahead. Here comes to This brings us to the end of my
72sharing, thank you.
Polished rewrite of the highlighted phrase
The handwritten word in “it is so clear as a phsestaff” (line 13) can’t be confidently read. From context the student is reaching for a “clear as X” idiom — clear as day, or perhaps a noun like precept / principle / commandment. A clean rendering:
“For instance, it is plainly stated in our school rules that under no circumstances should foul language be spoken.”
If the student did intend a “clear as” idiom, “it is as clear as day that…” works in the same spot.
Marks earned: 21 + 20 = 41 / 42. One marker awarded the maximum 21 on every band component, the second marker awarded 20. Both markers placed this piece firmly in the top band; the single missing mark is most likely attributable to the unclear “phsestaff” phrase on page 22 and the slightly over-stilted register in places (Ergo, toiling along the path).
Word count note: the piece runs to roughly 410 words, well over the 200-word target. The question only asks for the speech to be finished after the pre-printed opening, so length isn’t penalised harshly, but a tightening pass would help the student close to the suggested length.
Unclear handwriting: one phrase on page 22 (“it is so clear as a phsestaff”) can’t be confidently read — see the polished rewrite above.
Word count note: the piece runs to roughly 410 words, well over the 200-word target. The question only asks for the speech to be finished after the pre-printed opening, so length isn’t penalised harshly, but a tightening pass would help the student close to the suggested length.
Unclear handwriting: one phrase on page 22 (“it is so clear as a phsestaff”) can’t be confidently read — see the polished rewrite above.
Strengths to praise
1. Strong two-part structure, faithful to the prompt
The speech addresses both bullet points of the question (rules and relationships) in roughly equal weight, with a clear pivot in the middle: “Now, let’s move on to the importance of interpersonal relationships.” (line 43). Examiners reward visible obedience to the prompt; this piece sign-posts it.
2. Reasoning chain inside each section
The rules section doesn’t simply say “follow the rules” — it argues: rules → harmonious campus → school reputation → preparation for the legal system of adult society. That’s a four-step argument inside one section. Worth showing students how to build a paragraph that earns its position.
3. A memorable analogy — “school as a miniature of society”
“It is said that schools are a miniature of our society, which is well-received for its sound legal system.” (lines 29–31) — the comparison gives the school-rules argument something larger to stand on, and the phrase sound legal system ties it explicitly to civic life. Reusable image; well placed.
4. Wide lexical range deployed accurately
Abide by, foster, harmonious, guidelines, uphold, safeguard, virtues, advocate, miniature, well-received, corruption, grave consequences, diligent, hindsight, toiling, foundation, bond, fruitful — all in the right collocations. This is what 5-band examiners mean by “wide and accurate vocabulary.”
5. Rhetorical questions that engage the audience
Three are used in succession: “What do the school rules mean to you?” (line 3), “What are they?” (line 44, about interpersonal relationships), and “Who wants to have confrontations every day…?” (lines 51–53) — speech-writing technique that’s perfectly placed in a welcome address.
6. Clear signposting throughout
Transitions are explicit: “To start with”, “For instance”, “Apart from”, “Ergo”, “Now, let’s move on to”, “In addition”, “Last but not least”. The listener is never lost.
Grammar notes
| Issue | Explanation |
|---|---|
(line 3) What if the school rules mean to you? → What do the school rules mean to you? |
What if introduces a hypothetical (What if we lost? What if it rains?); it doesn’t open a direct question. “What do the school rules mean to you?” is the intended question. Note the verb agrees with the plural rules — do, not does. |
(line 4) a sets of rules → a set of rules |
The indefinite article a takes a singular noun. A set is one collection; sets is more than one collection. |
(line 11) guidelines which states clearly → guidelines which state clearly |
Guidelines is plural, so the verb is state, not states. Subject-verb agreement with a relative clause. |
(line 15) foul languages → foul language |
Language, meaning swearing or rude words, is uncountable. Languages means different tongues (English, Cantonese). |
(line 19) Not only it would hinder… → Not only would it hinder… |
When a sentence begins with Not only, the subject and auxiliary invert (auxiliary first, subject second). Same pattern as Never have I seen, Rarely does he speak. |
(line 30) school are miniature of our society → schools are a miniature of our society |
Two small fixes. School is singular; the verb are needs a plural subject, so it becomes schools. And miniature as a countable noun takes an article: a miniature. |
(lines 33–34) rules that against violence and etc. → rules that guard against violence, and so on |
Two issues. (1) The relative clause needs a verb — that guard against, not just that against. (2) and etc. is redundant: etc. already contains the meaning and so forth. Either use etc. alone, or replace with and so on. |
(line 40) With hindsight → In hindsight |
The standard idiom is in hindsight (also with the benefit of hindsight). With hindsight on its own is unusual. |
(line 47) A healthy interpersonal relationship pave the way → paves the way |
Singular subject (a relationship) takes singular verb (paves). Or pluralise the noun: Healthy interpersonal relationships pave the way. |
(lines 48–49) People with sound interpersonal relationship → relationships |
Each person has one relationship, but the group has many, so the plural is needed: People with sound interpersonal relationships. |
(line 49) less arguments → fewer arguments |
Less for uncountable (less water, less time); fewer for countable (fewer arguments, fewer people). |
(line 58) group works → group work |
In the educational sense (working together on a task), group work is uncountable. Pluralise only when referring to works of art or literary works. |
(line 61) seek for advice → seek advice |
Seek is a transitive verb — it takes a direct object with no preposition (seek help, seek advice, seek refuge). Look for takes for; seek doesn’t. |
(lines 71–72) Here comes to the end of my sharing → This brings us to the end of my sharing |
Here comes to… isn’t an English construction. Here comes X (with X as the subject) works (Here comes the bus), but for ending a speech, This brings us to the end… or That brings me to the end… is the idiom. |
Style suggestions (where strong writing could become outstanding)
Categories:
Fluency sentence flow, collocations, rhythm.
Authenticity places that sound student-y or translated; how a native voice would say it.
Text-type fit matching the conventions of the genre — here, a welcome speech.
line refs link a suggestion back to specific lines in the transcript above.
Suggestion 1 · soften “emphasize” with a more conversational lead-in
Text-type fit
lines 1–2
Original: “To start with, I would like to emphasize the importance of abiding by the school rules.”
Try: “Let me start with something simple: the school rules.”
I would like to emphasize the importance of… is essay register, not speech register. Speeches earn warmth by sounding like a person speaking, not a paragraph being read out.
Suggestion 2 · tighten “could help foster the development of”
Fluency
lines 7–8
Original: “sticking to the school rules could help foster the development of a harmonious campus”
Try: “sticking to the school rules helps build a harmonious campus”
Three weak verbs stacked (could help foster the development of) where one strong verb (build) would do. Help + bare infinitive is fine; the words could, foster, the development of are filler.
Suggestion 3 · replace “sleazy jokes and vulgar expressions” with one sharper image
Authenticity
lines 17–19
Original: “we end up insulting each other with sleazy jokes and vulgar expressions”
Try: “we end up trading cheap jokes and casual cruelty”
Sleazy and vulgar are correct but a touch melodramatic for a school assembly. Cheap jokes and casual cruelty is more grown-up — the kind of phrase a thoughtful prefect would use.
Suggestion 4 · smooth the “Ergo” transition
Authenticity
lines 35–37
Original: “Ergo, following our school rules to a certain extent helps all of you to get ready for the future…”
Try: “So, following our school rules now helps prepare you for the rules of adult life.”
Ergo is Latin, charming in a debate but stilted in a welcome speech. So does the same job in the right register. To a certain extent is also a hedge that weakens the claim; drop it.
Suggestion 5 · rework the “surge of adrenaline” sentence
Fluency
lines 38–40
Original: “…prevent yourselves from carrying out unlawful behaviors under a surge of adrenaline.”
Try: “…keep yourselves from doing something stupid in the heat of the moment.”
Carrying out unlawful behaviours under a surge of adrenaline is clinical writing — sociology-textbook language. For a speech, doing something stupid in the heat of the moment says the same thing, only the audience can actually hear it.
Suggestion 6 · choose a verb other than “could be” for defining
Fluency
lines 44–46
Original: “What are they? They could be relationships between you and your classmates, friends, teachers and so on.”
Try: “What are they? They are the relationships you build with your classmates, your friends, your teachers.”
They could be sounds hesitant when defining something. They are is more confident; the parallel your classmates, your friends, your teachers gives the answer a small triplet of rhythm.
Suggestion 7 · vary the repeated “interpersonal relationship”
Fluency
lines 43–56, 68–69
Original: “interpersonal relationships” appears five times in the second half of the speech.
Try: alternate with “the friendships you build”, “connections with classmates”, “the people around you”.
Lexical repetition is a fast way to lose listeners. The student knows enough vocabulary to vary; this is mostly an editing pass.
Suggestion 8 · warm up “toiling along the path of exams and tests”
Text-type fit
lines 52–53
Original: “when we are already toiling along the path of exams and tests”
Try: “when school already throws enough at you?”
Toiling along the path is essayistic. A speech audience would respond more to a casual, sympathetic version: “when school already throws enough at you?” — the speaker stands with the audience, not above them.
Suggestion 9 · replace “lend you their helping hands” with the original idiom
Authenticity
lines 64–65
Original: “they will be willing to lend you their helping hands”
Try: “they will be willing to lend a hand” / “they’ll be there when you need them”
Lend a helping hand is the fixed idiom (no your / their). Doubling up gives the slightly off lend their helping hands — close to native but not quite.
Suggestion 10 · land the closing with a triplet
Text-type fit
lines 69–72
Original: “Last but not least, I wish you all a fruitful and enjoyable school life ahead. This brings us to the end of my sharing, thank you.”
Try: “So — follow the rules, build the friendships, and make this school yours. Welcome, and thank you.”
The original ending is appropriate but bookish. Speeches end well when they recap the argument in a clean triplet and finish with a single short line. Welcome, and thank you closes the loop with the pre-printed opening.
Professional rewrite — rescuing the unclear “rules” paragraph (weak moment)
For comparison only, not a correction. I picked the rules paragraph because it contains the unclear “phsestaff” line and a couple of clunky transitions. The student’s argument is good; the rewrite shows what a polished speech-writer would do with the same content in roughly the same word count.
The student’s paragraph (corrected)
The school rules are basically a set of guidelines which state clearly what should or should not be done at school. For instance, it is plainly stated in our school rules that under no circumstances should foul language be spoken. If we could uphold the school rules, we would be respectful to each other. If not, it is easy that we end up insulting each other with sleazy jokes and vulgar expressions. Not only would it hinder the development of a harmonious campus, our school’s reputation would also be harmed when outsiders realize that what our students are doing is at odds with all virtues that we try to advocate.
Rewritten by a professional speech-writer
Think of the school rules less as a list of “don’ts” and more as a list of what we have quietly agreed to do for each other. Foul language is one such agreement: it has no place here, not because the rules say so, but because none of us deserves to be on the receiving end of it. Follow the rules and we treat each other with respect. Ignore them, and we slide quickly into cheap jokes and casual cruelty — and once that happens, our reputation slides with us. Visitors notice. Parents notice. And, soon enough, even we notice.
What the rewrite is doing differently:
- Reframes “rules” as “agreements.” Rules from above sound bureaucratic; agreements we have made sound mutual. Suddenly the audience is on the same side as the rules, not opposite them.
- Concrete example with a moral handle. Foul language is the same example, but the line “none of us deserves to be on the receiving end of it” gives the rule a person, not just a regulation.
- Parallel cause and effect. Follow the rules … ignore them … is a balanced structure the listener can feel coming. The student’s If we could uphold … If not … wants to do this but the conditionals weaken it.
- A rule of three at the close. Visitors notice. Parents notice. And, soon enough, even we notice. — three short sentences, accelerating into the speaker’s own audience. Classic speech-writing.
- Removes hedge-language. It is easy that we end up … becomes a direct statement (we slide quickly into …). Speeches don’t hedge.
Vocabulary to notice
| Word | Definition | Usage notes | Synonyms / alternatives |
|---|---|---|---|
| abide by | (phrasal v.) to accept and act in accordance with a rule, decision or law. | Almost exclusively paired with rules, decisions, agreements. More formal than follow. | comply with, observe, adhere to, respect |
| penalize | (v.) to subject to a penalty or punishment. | Common in institutional contexts (schools, sports, tax). British spelling: penalise. | punish, sanction, discipline, fine |
| foster | (v.) to encourage the development of something; (also: to bring up a child not one’s own). | Useful with abstract nouns: foster understanding, foster trust, foster a sense of belonging. | encourage, promote, cultivate, nurture |
| harmonious | (adj.) free from disagreement; characterised by peaceful agreement. | Common with relationship, atmosphere, community, environment. Adverb: harmoniously. | peaceful, agreeable, friendly, cordial |
| guidelines | (n., usually plural) general rules or principles intended to direct behaviour. | Less binding than rules; guidelines suggest advice. Always plural in this sense. | directions, principles, rules of thumb, recommendations |
| uphold | (v.) to confirm or support (a rule, principle, decision). | Almost always pairs with abstract objects: uphold the law, uphold tradition, uphold a verdict, uphold a value. | maintain, sustain, support, defend |
| sleazy | (adj.) (informal) sordid, corrupt, or low in quality and morals. | Strong, slightly slangy. Used of people, places, jokes, behaviour. Avoid in formal essays. | seedy, sordid, tawdry, disreputable |
| vulgar | (adj.) lacking sophistication or good taste; obscene. | Two senses: literally rude (vulgar language) or simply tasteless (vulgar display of wealth). | crude, coarse, indecent, lowbrow |
| safeguard | (v.) to protect from harm or damage. (Also a noun.) | Often paired with abstract objects: safeguard rights, interests, reputation, privacy. | protect, defend, preserve, shield |
| virtue | (n.) a quality considered morally good; (also: a useful feature). | The plural virtues in “virtues we try to advocate” is the moral sense. The classical virtues: courage, justice, prudence, temperance. | moral quality, principle, good trait, value |
| advocate | (v.) to publicly support or recommend; (n.) a supporter. | Followed by a direct object (advocate change) or by for (advocate for change). Both are accepted. | support, champion, promote, endorse |
| miniature | (n. / adj.) a small-scale version or copy of something larger. | Used as a noun here (a miniature of our society); as an adjective: a miniature painting, a miniature railway. | scaled-down version, model, replica, microcosm |
| well-received | (adj.) met with public approval or positive reaction. | Usually applied to performances, ideas, speeches, books. Hyphenated when used before a noun. | popular, acclaimed, praised, accepted |
| corruption | (n.) dishonest or fraudulent conduct, especially by those in power. | A strong civic word. Pair with fight, root out, combat, eradicate. | dishonesty, fraud, graft, bribery |
| grave (consequences) | (adj.) serious; giving cause for alarm. | Strong, slightly literary. Pairs with consequences, concern, mistake, danger, illness. | serious, severe, dire, weighty |
| ergo | (adv.) therefore (from Latin). | Stilted in everyday English; useful in formal writing or wry asides. In a speech, so or therefore is more natural. | therefore, hence, thus, consequently |
| diligent | (adj.) showing care and conscientiousness in one’s work or duties. | Stronger than hard-working. Often used of students, workers, researchers. | industrious, hard-working, conscientious, assiduous |
| unlawful | (adj.) not conforming to, permitted by, or recognised by law. | Formal, often legal. Compare with illegal (similar but more common); illicit (often morally wrong as well). | illegal, illicit, forbidden, prohibited |
| adrenaline | (n.) a hormone secreted in stress; figuratively: excitement, urgency. | Figurative use is common: an adrenaline rush, in the heat of the moment. Note British spelling matches American here. | excitement, rush, surge, thrill |
| in hindsight | (idiom) with the benefit of looking back; in retrospect. | Standard idiom; with hindsight is also used in British English but less commonly. | in retrospect, looking back, on reflection |
| toil | (v.) to work extremely hard or incessantly. | Slightly literary; conveys laborious effort. Common in toil along, toil away, toil over. | labour, slog, grind, work hard |
| fruitful | (adj.) producing good results; productive. | Used figuratively: a fruitful discussion, a fruitful career, a fruitful collaboration. | productive, rewarding, successful, profitable |
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