Don’t Leave Your Hometown, Youngsters! — 39/42 (5**)
Question prompt (Q3 — Learning English through Social Issues)
Many Hong Kong graduates complain about the lack of employment opportunities in the city. It has been suggested that the graduates who fail to find a job in Hong Kong could look for opportunities in other cities in Asia. Do you support this suggestion?
Write an article for the Young Post explaining your views. Provide an appropriate title for your article. (~400 words)
Show original handwritten pages (4)
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear
Booklet p.8 (lines 1–25) — title, opening, reason 1
0Don’t Leave Your Hometown, Youngsters!
1
1Hong Kong prides itself on being a prosperous, affluent
2city, but to many young people, it is actually a place
3where they cannot even find a job. As the number of
4unemployed graduates has spiralled recently, it has been
5suggested that they could look for opportunities in other lovely Asian
6cities. Although the suggestion may sound palatable, personally I do not support it.
7
8True, to many fresh graduates, especially those not equipped
9with a university degree, it is such a formidable task to look
10for a job due to the cut-throat competition here. However,
11is finding a decent, well-paid job in other Asian cities
12such a cushy job? My Those who answer “yes” should not hesitate
13to take a glimpse of the high youth unemployment rate in Japan and its
14economic problems. Korea — another seemingly possible
15destination — is a country whose economy relies heavily on
16the tourism industry. Teenagers may not be able to find a
17suitable job that they want so easily. I am worried that going to Asian
18countries to instigate seek out new opportunities may not bring them a
19rosy future, but instead create more uncertainties
20and hindrance hindrances to their long-term development.
Booklet p.9 (lines 21–45) — reason 2 (emotional pull) & reason 3 setup
21Apart from the difficulty of getting a suitable job there,
22youngsters may not want to work in other Asian
23cities as they are unfamiliar with them. To them, Hong Kong is their cosycozy home
24where they are raised and nurtured. It is natural and
25understandable that some of them would like to
26develop their careers in the place which they
27know well. It is undeniable that they might
28learn to be more independent and tough if they work
29alone in other Asian countries. However, this may not
30be what they long for — some of them may not be
31willing to leave their families and friends, for work. After
32all, work is an intrinsic part of our lives but it is
33certainly not everything.
34
35Besides the aforementioned reasons, let’s look into the
36issue from another point of view: is it conducive to
37Hong Kong’s long-term development if the jobless leave and
38join the labour force of other Asian cities? If the talented
39work in other countries, they cannot make contributions
40to the betterment of our society. The qualities
41they possess — the savvy they acquire and the skills they
42learn here — will become heaven-sent gifts to other
43Asian cities. Then, how can Hong Kong compete with
Booklet p.10 (lines 44–65) — brain-drain crescendo & counter-rebuttal
44Singapore which is catching up? How can Hong Kong retain
45its position as a renowned business metropolis? How can
46we develop new ideas and make improvement improvements without
47the this group of vibrant, creative and diligent adults?
48
49Some people believe that if unemployed youngsters
50could find opportunities in Asian countries, there will be no more
51unemployment and dissatisfaction in our society. This argument is
52seeming seemingly valid, but preposterous, shaky and hasty deep
53down. If everyone is prepared to leave the city for
54work after graduation, I am worried that citizens’
55sense of belonging to Hong Kong will be greatly weakened.
56They may no longer regard Hong Kong as their cosycozy home
57but merely a town where they study live temporarily. This
58exerts an adverse impact on us, with our unity and
59bonding being completely severely ruined undermined. Then, how can we
60support each other and surmount every obstacle
61together?
Booklet p.11 (lines 62–68) — conclusion & END OF PAPER
62I believe that encouraging young people to look
63for chances in other Asian countries is not a fail-safe
64plan or a solution to the youth unemployment problem —
65it is just putting the cart before the horse. I hope employers
66will give youngsters more opportunities when possible, so
67that they have a chance to make contributions to the
68place which they belong to.
Polished rewrite of the highlighted line on booklet p.10 (paragraph 5)
The line “could find opportunities in Asian countries, [there will be no more] unemployment and dissatisfaction in our society” has a small inserted phrase whose wording is partially obscured. Read alongside the surrounding sentences, the intended sentence is almost certainly:
“Some people believe that if unemployed youngsters could find opportunities in Asian countries, there will be less unemployment and dissatisfaction in our society.”
Either “less” or “no more” works grammatically. Less is more measured and probably more accurate to what the counter-argument actually claims.
Marks earned: ^19 + ^20 = 39 / 42 (closest-pair adjusted). Both markers placed this piece in the top band; M2 awarded a mark higher than M1, almost certainly recognising the cohesion of the brain-drain argument in paragraph 4 and the closing idiom (putting the cart before the horse). After closest-pair adjudication the marks stand at 19 + 20 = 39/42 — firmly band-5**.
Title. The candidate does provide a title (Don’t Leave Your Hometown, Youngsters!), correctly satisfying the prompt’s requirement. The title is also rhetorically strong — an imperative addressed directly to the article’s intended Young Post readership.
Word count. Roughly 470 words against the ~400-word target. Slightly over but not penalised; every paragraph carries its own argument.
Unclear handwriting. One spot in paragraph 5 (line 50): the inserted phrase between “in Asian countries,” and “unemployment and dissatisfaction” is partially obscured by marginal handwriting; see the polished-rewrite callout above.
Spelling note. The candidate writes “cozy” (American) twice. Corrected to “cosy” (British) for HK conventions. The candidate also self-corrected several phrases in real time (My → Those who, seeming → seemingly, completely ruined → severely undermined) — visible signs of a writer reviewing as the piece develops.
Title. The candidate does provide a title (Don’t Leave Your Hometown, Youngsters!), correctly satisfying the prompt’s requirement. The title is also rhetorically strong — an imperative addressed directly to the article’s intended Young Post readership.
Word count. Roughly 470 words against the ~400-word target. Slightly over but not penalised; every paragraph carries its own argument.
Unclear handwriting. One spot in paragraph 5 (line 50): the inserted phrase between “in Asian countries,” and “unemployment and dissatisfaction” is partially obscured by marginal handwriting; see the polished-rewrite callout above.
Spelling note. The candidate writes “cozy” (American) twice. Corrected to “cosy” (British) for HK conventions. The candidate also self-corrected several phrases in real time (My → Those who, seeming → seemingly, completely ruined → severely undermined) — visible signs of a writer reviewing as the piece develops.
Strengths to praise
1. A title that does work, not just labels
Don’t Leave Your Hometown, Youngsters! is an imperative addressed directly to the article’s intended readership. It commits to a position before paragraph 1, satisfies the prompt’s title requirement, and gives the article a clear closing image (the youngsters who chose to stay).
2. Textbook argumentative architecture, executed with variation
Hook + thesis (paragraph 1) → three differentiated reasons (paragraph 2 difficulty abroad, paragraph 3 emotional pull of home, paragraph 4 brain-drain cost to HK) → counter-argument named and rebutted (paragraph 5) → conclusion with diagnosis (paragraph 6). Each paragraph has a distinct argument; no two restate the same idea in different words.
3. Concrete, named examples instead of vague generalities
The article names Japan (high youth unemployment) and Korea (tourism-dependent economy) and later evokes Singapore as a regional competitor. Specificity beats abstraction in argumentative writing.
4. Sustained figurative thread of ‘home’ across paragraphs
Cosy home appears twice (paragraph 3 and paragraph 5), framing the article around the emotional weight of staying put. Heaven-sent gifts to other Asian cities in paragraph 4 turns the brain-drain worry into the opposite image (gifts away from home). The metaphor system holds together across the piece.
5. Concession-into-evidence move in paragraph 3
The candidate admits ground (It is undeniable that they might learn to be more independent and tough…) and immediately turns the concession into the next argument (However, this may not be what they long for… work is… certainly not everything). This is sophisticated for a 17-year-old — it shows the writer has considered the opposing view in depth, not just acknowledged it.
6. Three-rhetorical-question crescendo in paragraph 4
How can Hong Kong compete with Singapore… How can Hong Kong retain… How can we develop new ideas…? The questions ascend in stakes and end on the strongest noun pair (vibrant, creative and diligent adults). The rhythm carries the paragraph to its climax without the writer having to underline the climax for the reader.
7. The closing idiom diagnoses rather than restates
Putting the cart before the horse — a five-word diagnosis of the proposal’s logical error. Most candidates end opinion pieces with a restated thesis; this one ends with a diagnosis the reader can quote. Closing image-craft is a 5**-tier move.
Grammar notes
| Issue | Explanation |
|---|---|
(line 18) instigate new opportunities → seek out / pursue new opportunities |
Instigate means to bring about, but with a strong negative tilt — you instigate a quarrel, an investigation, or unrest. You don’t instigate a good thing. Use seek out, pursue, create. The candidate self-corrected to seek out. |
(line 13) take a glimpse of → take a glance at / get a glimpse of |
Take collocates with glance, not glimpse. Glimpse pairs with catch, get, have and the preposition of. |
(lines 19–20) create more uncertainties and hindrance → more uncertainties and hindrances |
When uncertainties is plural, the parallel noun hindrance should also be plural. Or make both uncountable: more uncertainty and hindrance. The candidate self-corrected to the plural. |
(line 31) leave their families and friends, for work → leave their families and friends for work |
No comma needed before for work. The phrase is tightly bound to leave, not an aside. |
(line 46) make improvement → make improvements / improve |
In the sense of “achieving better outcomes,” improvement is countable and usually plural. The uncountable form is fine for progress in general (room for improvement). |
(line 52) This argument is seeming valid → seemingly valid |
Seeming is an adjective; to modify another adjective like valid, you need the adverb seemingly. Self-corrected. |
(line 57) where they study temporarily → where they live temporarily |
The surrounding context is about leaving Hong Kong for work, not study; study doesn’t fit. Live or spend a few years matches the working-age scenario. Self-corrected. |
(line 59) with our unity and bonding being completely ruined → severely undermined |
Completely ruined is an absolute claim (and the candidate crossed out completely). The argument is more persuasive when measured: severely undermined, seriously weakened, significantly eroded. The candidate ended at severely undermined — the right register. |
(line 68) the place which they belong to → the place they belong to |
You can drop which when it refers to the object of a preposition. The candidate’s version with both which and to at the end is a stylistic clash — corrected. |
(line 5) opportunities in other lovely Asian cities |
The candidate inserted lovely. As an evaluative adjective from the article’s own voice, it works (it concedes the appeal of the opposing view before the thesis). But in a strict reading lovely is a slight register-mismatch with the surrounding analytical paragraph — not wrong, just unusual. |
(line 58) this exerts an adverse impact on us |
The candidate inserted exerts an mid-sentence to fix a grammar gap. The result is grammatical but the noun-heavy phrasing (exert an impact) is more clinical than the surrounding warm register. A native writer would say this would have a damaging effect on us. |
(lines 23, 56) regard Hong Kong as their cozy home → regard Hong Kong as their cosy home |
British spelling (cosy) for HK conventions. Both forms accepted. |
Style suggestions (where 5** could become 5**-with-margin-tick)
Categories:
Fluency sentence flow, collocations, rhythm.
Authenticity places that sound student-y or translated; how a native voice would say it.
Text-type fit matching the conventions of the genre — here, an argumentative magazine article.
Suggestion 1 · trim the opening sentence for sharper contrast
Text-type fit
lines 1–3
Original: “Hong Kong prides itself on being a prosperous, affluent city, but to many young people, it is actually a place where they cannot even find a job.”
Try: “Hong Kong prides itself on being prosperous and affluent — yet for many young people, it is a city where they cannot even find a job.”
Argumentative articles want openings that pivot crisply between two ideas. Replacing but to many young people, it is actually a place with yet for many young people, it is a city tightens the rhythm and the dash signposts the turn.
Suggestion 2 · remove the word echo around ‘cushy job’
Fluency
lines 11–12
Original: “is finding a decent, well-paid job in other Asian cities such a cushy job?”
Try: “is landing a decent, well-paid job in other Asian cities really such an easy prospect?”
The sentence already contains job; such a cushy job repeats the word. Swapping to such an easy prospect removes the echo and keeps the informal tone.
Suggestion 3 · smooth the Korea transition
Fluency
lines 14–17
Original: “Korea — another seemingly possible destination — is a country whose economy relies heavily on the tourism industry. Teenagers may not be able to find a suitable job that they want so easily.”
Try: “Korea, another seemingly attractive destination, leans heavily on tourism — an industry that already struggles to absorb the local workforce. Young job-seekers from Hong Kong would simply be queueing behind locals for the same scarce posts.”
The original delivers the facts but leaves the connection implicit. Spelling out the consequence (queueing behind locals) turns a generic statement into a vivid image and tightens the flow between sentences.
Suggestion 4 · make the brain-drain image even more concrete
Text-type fit
lines 41–43
Original: “the savvy they acquire and the skills they learn here — will become heaven-sent gifts to other Asian cities.”
Try: “the savvy they acquire and the skills they sharpen here would arrive in Tokyo, Seoul and Singapore as ready-made, heaven-sent gifts — while Hong Kong is left to start over.”
The original metaphor is strong. Adding the specific cities echoes the named-examples technique used earlier in the piece, and the contrast clause (while Hong Kong is left to start over) makes the loss palpable.
Suggestion 5 · rebalance the three adjectives that don’t match
Authenticity
lines 51–53
Original: “This argument is seemingly valid, but preposterous, shaky and hasty deep down.”
Try: “This argument is seemingly valid, but preposterous, short-sighted and dangerously naive on closer inspection.”
Preposterous is a very strong word; shaky and hasty feel lightweight next to it. Pairing it with similarly weighty adjectives keeps the register consistent.
Suggestion 6 · soften ‘completely ruined’ without losing force
Authenticity
lines 57–59
Original: “This (would) exert an adverse impact on us, with our unity and bonding being completely ruined.”
Try: “This would slowly erode our unity and weaken the bonds that hold the city together.”
The candidate wisely crossed out completely. Going one step further and dropping ruined for the more gradual erode / weaken matches the conditional If everyone is prepared… earlier in the sentence: this is a forecast, not an obituary. Overstatement is one of the most common tells of student writing.
Suggestion 7 · give the closing call to action a stronger cadence
Text-type fit
lines 65–68
Original: “I hope employers will give youngsters more opportunities when possible, so that they have a chance to make contributions to the place they belong to.”
Try: “Let us not push our young people out the door. Let us, instead, open ours wider — so that they can build their futures, and Hong Kong’s, side by side.”
The original ending hands responsibility to employers; the rewrite turns it into a collective let us — warmer, more inclusive, and rhythmically stronger as the closing line of an article. Closings in opinion pieces carry disproportionate weight.
Professional rewrite — what a seasoned columnist might do with the Korea passage (weak moment)
For comparison only, not a correction. The Korea-and-worried-that passage in the second half of paragraph 2 (lines 14–20) is the weakest stretch of an otherwise strong piece — the facts are there but the connections are implicit and the closing sentence trails off rather than landing. The rewrite is what a professional columnist might publish in the same word count.
The student’s passage (paragraph 2, second half)
Korea — another seemingly possible destination — is a country whose economy relies heavily on the tourism industry. Teenagers may not be able to find a suitable job that they want so easily. I am worried that going to Asian countries to seek out new opportunities may not bring them a rosy future, but instead create more uncertainties and hindrances to their long-term development.
Rewritten by a professional columnist
Take Korea — another seemingly attractive destination. Its economy leans heavily on tourism, an industry that already struggles to absorb its own graduates; young job-seekers from Hong Kong would simply be queueing behind locals for the same scarce posts. Heading abroad in search of opportunity is rarely the rescue it promises to be. More often, it trades one set of uncertainties for another — set further from home, and harder to recover from.
What the rewrite is doing differently:
- An imperative opener (Take Korea) instead of an em-dash aside. Columnists open evidence paragraphs with verbs (Take, Consider, Look at) because they pull the reader forward; em-dash asides are slower.
- Spelled-out consequence. The student leaves the reader to infer why Korea’s tourism economy matters; the rewrite says it out loud (queueing behind locals for the same scarce posts).
- A general principle after the example. Heading abroad in search of opportunity is rarely the rescue it promises to be — this is the move evidence paragraphs need: zoom out from the specific case (Korea) to the general claim (going abroad).
- A closing sentence that lands. It trades one set of uncertainties for another — set further from home, and harder to recover from. The candidate’s word uncertainties is kept (their word is the right word), but deployed as the hinge of a memorable line.
- The first-person worry is dropped. Op-ed columnists rarely write I am worried that…; they make the world worry. Stating the consequence directly is more authoritative than confessing the writer’s anxiety about it.
Vocabulary to notice
| Word / phrase | Definition | Usage notes | Synonyms / alternatives |
|---|---|---|---|
| prosperous | (adj.) successful, thriving, financially well-off. | Often paired with nation, city, period, future. Warmer than wealthy. | thriving, flourishing, affluent, well-to-do |
| affluent | (adj.) having a great deal of money; wealthy. | Often describes neighbourhoods, suburbs, societies. More clinical than rich. | wealthy, well-off, prosperous, moneyed |
| spiralled (BrE) / spiraled (AmE) | (v.) increased or decreased in an accelerating way. | Collocates with bad things going up (costs, debt, unemployment) or anything going down. Negative tone. | soared, surged, escalated, mushroomed |
| palatable | (adj.) literally: pleasant to taste; figuratively: acceptable to the mind. | Used figuratively here. Often in negative form (not very palatable) when discussing tough truths. | acceptable, agreeable, appealing, tolerable |
| formidable | (adj.) inspiring fear or respect through being impressively large, powerful, or capable. | Used of opponents, tasks, challenges, intellects. Implies difficulty with grudging admiration. | daunting, intimidating, fearsome, awe-inspiring |
| cut-throat | (adj.) (of competition) fierce and intense, with no regard for others. | Almost always paired with competition, business, industry, market, rivalry. Hyphenated when attributive. | ruthless, fierce, ferocious, no-holds-barred |
| cushy | (adj., informal) (of a job or situation) undemanding and pleasant. | Colloquial; works well for personal voice. Pairs with job, life, position, number. | easy, comfortable, undemanding, soft |
| rosy (future) | (adj.) very promising or full of hope; literally pink-coloured. | Idiomatic: a rosy future / a rosy outlook / paint a rosy picture. Sometimes ironic. | promising, bright, optimistic, hopeful |
| aforementioned | (adj.) referred to previously. | Formal, almost legal-sounding. Useful in essays for hooking back. Pairs with reasons, points, examples. | previously mentioned, above, earlier-noted |
| conducive (to) | (adj.) making something likely or possible; favourable to. | Always followed by to + noun or gerund. Common in academic writing. | favourable to, helpful to, supportive of |
| betterment | (n.) the improvement of something or someone. | Formal; usually paired with abstract nouns (betterment of society, mankind). Sounds noble. | improvement, advancement, enhancement |
| savvy | (n., informal) practical knowledge or shrewdness; also adj.: experienced and well-informed. | As noun: business savvy, political savvy, tech savvy. As adj.: a savvy investor. | shrewdness, know-how, nous, expertise |
| vibrant | (adj.) full of energy and enthusiasm. | Common in describing cities, communities, atmospheres. Reliable positive word. | lively, dynamic, energetic, spirited |
| diligent | (adj.) showing care and conscientiousness in work or duties. | Stronger than hard-working — implies attention to detail. Often used of students, workers. | industrious, hard-working, conscientious, assiduous |
| renowned | (adj.) famous and admired for some quality or achievement. | More positive than famous. Often paired with for + skill/achievement. | famous, celebrated, distinguished, eminent |
| metropolis | (n.) a very large and busy city, especially the most important of a country or region. | Higher register than city; useful when emphasising size and importance. | capital, megacity, urban centre |
| preposterous | (adj.) contrary to reason or common sense; utterly absurd. | Strong word. Use sparingly. Pairs with idea, claim, suggestion, argument. | absurd, ridiculous, ludicrous, outlandish |
| surmount | (v.) overcome (a difficulty or obstacle). | More elevated than overcome. Pairs with obstacle, challenge, difficulty. Literally: to climb over. | overcome, conquer, vanquish, get past |
| heaven-sent | (adj.) extremely fortunate, as if a gift from heaven; perfectly timed or suited. | Figurative: a heaven-sent opportunity. Touch of irony works when the gift goes to the wrong people. | godsent, providential, perfectly timed, miraculous |
| fail-safe | (adj.) certain not to fail; (n.) a backup that prevents failure. | Engineering origin. Often in negative form: not a fail-safe plan, no fail-safe solution. | guaranteed, foolproof, bulletproof, watertight |
| put the cart before the horse | (idiom) reverse the proper order of things. | Perfect for diagnosing a logical mix-up. Compact, vivid, instantly understood. | get things backwards, reverse the proper order |
| intrinsic | (adj.) belonging naturally; essential. | Pairs with part, value, worth, quality, motivation. Compare with essential and inherent. | essential, inherent, fundamental, integral |
| hindrance | (n.) a thing that provides resistance, delay, or obstruction to something or someone. | Pairs with be a, prove a, without, cause. Countable; plural hindrances. | obstacle, impediment, obstruction, barrier |
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