2013 Q7 — Feature article: ‘Asian stars — eliminating boundaries’ (Popular Culture elective; trend feature on Asian stars rising in the Western market)
Question prompt — Q7 (Part B, Learning English through Popular Culture elective)
(Prompt reconstructed from the candidate’s response.) The candidate’s feature article is built around a single question — “What are the reasons behind this trend?” — and answers it with three causal claims about why Asian stars (Michael Jackson and Madonna are name-checked as the prior-era Western counterweight; Psy, Andy Lau, Jay Chou, Wonder Girls and Jackie Chan are name-checked on the Asian side) have been gaining popularity in Western markets in the 2010s. The likely 2013 Q7 brief asks the candidate to write a feature article for a popular-culture magazine on a current entertainment-industry trend, explaining its causes.
About 400 words. Booklet pages 6–8. The candidate did not need the Supplementary Answer Sheet for Part B — the article ends cleanly on booklet p.8 with END OF PAPER visible below the final sentence.
Part B sibling of the candidate’s Part A piece. The candidate’s overall Paper 2 component is 5* (subject-level), with Part A scoring 20 + 19 = 39 / 42 (no third marker) and Part B scoring 15 + ^19 + ^18 = 37 / 42. Part B is the lower-scoring half and the only piece in the candidate’s booklet that triggered a third-marker review — making it the corpus’s earliest documented D3 case (2013 was the first year of the DSE).
The third-marker mechanic, on the 2013 form. M1 (first marker) awarded 15 / 21. M2 (second marker) awarded 19 / 21. The four-point gap is the threshold that triggers a third reading: M1 was reading lower-mid 5*, M2 was reading clean 5**, so the script went to a check-marker labelled D3 on the 2013 record (the legend at the bottom of the marking record explicitly defines ‘D3 = 3rd marking’; the same label appears on 2017-onwards records). D3 awarded 18. The closest-pair rule then applied: |15−19|=4, |15−18|=3, |19−18|=1 — M2 and D3 are the closest pair, so M1’s 15 was discarded and the surviving pair (^19 + ^18) was used. The caret prefixes flag the closest-pair adjustment as the convention requires. M1 is the outlier here; M2 and D3 agree to within a single mark on the upper-5* / lower-5** band.
The structural plan is sturdy and explicit. Title · opening hook (three Western names + the trend question) · cause 1 (YouTube and video-sharing sites — Psy / Gangnam Style as the exemplar) · cause 2 (the Asian diaspora in Western countries — post-WW2 migration, Chinatowns, Asian-citizen audiences pulling Asian stars in) · cause 3 (the special traits of Asian culture — Korean trend-setting, Japanese love-stories, Hong Kong kung-fu films, Western culture diversifying) · closing roll-call (Andy Lau, Jay Chou, Wonder Girls, Jackie Chan) + recommendation. Three causal paragraphs — each opened by a labelled transition (First and foremost… / Another reason attributing to this popularity… / An often neglected reason…) — followed by a name-rich close. This is a textbook trend-article shape and M2 / D3 both rewarded it.
The standout move: the candidate frames the trend as elimination, not infiltration. The article’s title is ‘Asian stars — eliminating boundaries’ and the closing paragraph argues that Western culture is integrating good points of Asian cultures into its own. The candidate has explicitly disowned a zero-sum reading of the trend (I am not saying Western culture is not as good as Asian one) and reframed it as cultural mutual-enrichment. For a 16-year-old Hong Kong candidate writing about Asian-stars-in-Western-markets in 2013 — the year after Gangnam Style and a year into the K-pop wave — this is unusually careful framing. The article could have been ‘Asian culture replacing Western culture’; the candidate chose ‘Asian culture diversifying Western culture’, which is the more defensible thesis and the more interesting one.
The third-marker mechanic, on the 2013 form. M1 (first marker) awarded 15 / 21. M2 (second marker) awarded 19 / 21. The four-point gap is the threshold that triggers a third reading: M1 was reading lower-mid 5*, M2 was reading clean 5**, so the script went to a check-marker labelled D3 on the 2013 record (the legend at the bottom of the marking record explicitly defines ‘D3 = 3rd marking’; the same label appears on 2017-onwards records). D3 awarded 18. The closest-pair rule then applied: |15−19|=4, |15−18|=3, |19−18|=1 — M2 and D3 are the closest pair, so M1’s 15 was discarded and the surviving pair (^19 + ^18) was used. The caret prefixes flag the closest-pair adjustment as the convention requires. M1 is the outlier here; M2 and D3 agree to within a single mark on the upper-5* / lower-5** band.
The structural plan is sturdy and explicit. Title · opening hook (three Western names + the trend question) · cause 1 (YouTube and video-sharing sites — Psy / Gangnam Style as the exemplar) · cause 2 (the Asian diaspora in Western countries — post-WW2 migration, Chinatowns, Asian-citizen audiences pulling Asian stars in) · cause 3 (the special traits of Asian culture — Korean trend-setting, Japanese love-stories, Hong Kong kung-fu films, Western culture diversifying) · closing roll-call (Andy Lau, Jay Chou, Wonder Girls, Jackie Chan) + recommendation. Three causal paragraphs — each opened by a labelled transition (First and foremost… / Another reason attributing to this popularity… / An often neglected reason…) — followed by a name-rich close. This is a textbook trend-article shape and M2 / D3 both rewarded it.
The standout move: the candidate frames the trend as elimination, not infiltration. The article’s title is ‘Asian stars — eliminating boundaries’ and the closing paragraph argues that Western culture is integrating good points of Asian cultures into its own. The candidate has explicitly disowned a zero-sum reading of the trend (I am not saying Western culture is not as good as Asian one) and reframed it as cultural mutual-enrichment. For a 16-year-old Hong Kong candidate writing about Asian-stars-in-Western-markets in 2013 — the year after Gangnam Style and a year into the K-pop wave — this is unusually careful framing. The article could have been ‘Asian culture replacing Western culture’; the candidate chose ‘Asian culture diversifying Western culture’, which is the more defensible thesis and the more interesting one.
The writing, with corrections marked inline
Legend:
red strikethrough = removed |
green highlight = added or replaced |
yellow highlight = handwriting unclear or wording reconstructed from context |
margin numbers count handwritten lines on each booklet page
Booklet p.6 (handwritten lines 1–24) — title, opening hook, cause 1
Asian stars — eliminating boundaries
1Michael Jackson, Air Supply, Madonna… What
2do these names appear mean to you? True, Western stars used
3to gain have a definite edge over Asian stars. Nevertheless,
4gone were the days those days are gone. Stepping into the 2010s, Asian
5stars, like singers and movie stars, are gaining popularity
6in Western countries. What are the reasons behind
7this trend?
8
9First and foremost comes come Youtube and other
10video–sharing sites. In the past, Asian music and
11movies were out of reach from for Western countries,
12since technology was still backward. Now, with
13a few clicks on of the mouse, music videos and animations
14can be uploaded to the virtual world at with ease.
15Having easy access to these video–sharing sites,
16Westerners are exposed to Asian stars. An apparent
17example would be the Korean, Psy, who gained
18fame over night overnight. His ‘Gangnam Style’ was uploaded
19to Youtube, and countless viewers watched his dance.
20The Western countries were influenced as well, depicting
21that the influence of the video–sharing sites cannot be
22overlooked.
Booklet p.7 (handwritten lines 23–46) — cause 2 (Asian diaspora) + start of cause 3 (new cultural elements)
23Another reason attributing contributing to this popularity would
24be the great number of Asian citizens living in the
25Western countries. After the World War II, millions
26of Asian citizens migrated to the Western countries due
27to better social welfare and job opportunities. This can
28be seen from in multitudes of China Town the many Chinatowns in Western
29countries. This large number body of migrants pave the success
30road of Asian stars paved the way for the success of Asian stars in foreign countries. Their love of
31the pop stars from their home country influenced the
32Westerners, bringing in Asian cultures to the Western
33world. Asian culture, be it Chinese, Japanese, Korean
34or Hong Kong, started to seep into the minds of
35Westerners in this way.
36
37New element The new elements of Asian culture is are also
38a contributing factor. Korea’s trendy dancing, Japan’s
39well-plotted love stories, Hong Kong’s Kung Fu movies,
40all these were unseen in Western culture before.
41The world is now globalized, and cultures around the
42globe are diversifying. Westerners are willing to learn
43and view new elements which their cultures used
44to lack. I am not saying Western culture is
45not as good as the Asian one. Instead, Western cultures
46are integrating good points of Asian cultures into
Booklet p.8 (handwritten lines 47–58) — cause 3 (special traits) + closing name-roll + recommendation
47their own. As a result, Asian stars now are able to
48enter the Western market to bring in new elements to
49the entertaining entertainment industry.
50
51An often neglected reason is the special traits
52that Asian stars own possess. Japanese and Korean stars are
53viewed as the trendsetters, as their clothes and
54appearance are trendy and creative. On the other hand,
55Hong Kong movie stars are praised for their excellent
56acting skills. These characteristics are loved by the Westerners,
57and leads lead to the popularity of Asian stars.
58
59Andy Lau, Jay Chou, Wonder Girls, Jackie Chan…
60Perhaps these are the names when a Westerner tells you his idol
61a Westerner will give you when asked about his idols. Needless to doubt Needless to say, Asian stars will
62continue to flourish in the Western world. Next time
63you attend a concert of an Asian star, be prepared
64to communicate with other audiences fans using in English!
END OF PAPER (printed below the candidate’s final sentence on booklet p.8)
Marks earned: 15 (M1) + ^19 (M2) + ^18 (D3) → closest pair = ^19 + ^18 = 37 / 42. The 4-point M1–M2 gap triggered a third reading; D3 confirmed M2’s upper-5* / lower-5** reading and the closest-pair rule discarded M1’s 15. M1 is the outlier — documented here as the corpus’s earliest D3 case (2013 being the first DSE year). The piece sits at the upper boundary of 5* on the doubled scale (5** band starts at roughly 38 / 42); a single additional mark from either M2 or D3 would have lifted it into 5**. As recorded, the piece is at the very top of 5* — the kind of result where the candidate has done almost everything right and the absorbed frictions (the few collocation slips, the agreement errors, the slightly compressed final paragraph) are all that’s holding the script under the 5** ceiling.
Word count. Approximately 500 words across booklet pages 6–8 (against the 400-word brief) — 25% over budget. The candidate has used every line of the booklet and did not need the Supplementary sheet. The over-budget is moderate; the article does not run out of paper and closes cleanly with END OF PAPER visible below the closing recommendation.
The architecture is a textbook trend-feature. Title · opening hook (three iconic Western stars, used to anchor what is changing) · trend statement + thesis question (What are the reasons behind this trend?) · three causal paragraphs (each with an explicit transition: First and foremost… Another reason attributing to this popularity… An often neglected reason…) · closing name-roll + recommendation. The middle paragraph (about new cultural elements and globalisation) extends the third cause into the ‘diversifying’ argument, which is the structural feature M2 and D3 likely rewarded. The article reads like a Sunday-magazine feature on entertainment-industry trends, not a school essay.
The standout move (1): the iconic-Western-star opening (lines 1–2). “Michael Jackson, Air Supply, Madonna…” Three names — one African-American pop superstar, one soft-rock duo, one female pop icon — chosen across genres and across the 1980s. The opening is a list of what was, designed to set up the but no longer claim. Three iconic names in the opening is a magazine-feature opening pattern that most candidates don’t reach for; the candidate has read enough Western popular-culture writing to know the convention.
The standout move (2): the Psy / Gangnam Style timestamp (lines 16–20). “An apparent example would be the Korean, Psy, who gained fame overnight. His ‘Gangnam Style’ was uploaded to Youtube, and countless viewers watched his dance.” The piece was written in May 2013; Gangnam Style was uploaded in July 2012 and crossed one billion YouTube views in December 2012. The candidate is writing in real time about the largest popular-culture event of the previous twelve months. The example is the perfect anchor for the YouTube-as-cause paragraph; it dates the article precisely and demonstrates the candidate’s claim with the most recent possible evidence.
The standout move (3): the explicit anti-zero-sum framing (lines 44–47). “I am not saying Western culture is not as good as Asian one. Instead, Western culture is integrating good points of Asian cultures into its own.” The candidate has anticipated the obvious mis-reading of the article (‘Asian culture is replacing Western culture’) and explicitly disowned it. For a 16-year-old Hong Kong candidate writing about cultural exchange in 2013, this is unusually careful framing — the kind of move that lifts a competent feature article into the band where the marker reads it as having a thesis worth defending.
The standout move (4): the closing name-roll callback (lines 59–61). “Andy Lau, Jay Chou, Wonder Girls, Jackie Chan… Perhaps these are the names a Westerner will give you when asked about his idols.” The article opened with three Western stars (Michael Jackson, Air Supply, Madonna); it closes with four Asian stars (Andy Lau, Jay Chou, Wonder Girls, Jackie Chan). The mirroring is exact — opening Western roll-call ↔ closing Asian roll-call — and it dramatises the article’s trend claim more efficiently than any sentence could. This is a structural callback at the very top of the genre.
Word count. Approximately 500 words across booklet pages 6–8 (against the 400-word brief) — 25% over budget. The candidate has used every line of the booklet and did not need the Supplementary sheet. The over-budget is moderate; the article does not run out of paper and closes cleanly with END OF PAPER visible below the closing recommendation.
The architecture is a textbook trend-feature. Title · opening hook (three iconic Western stars, used to anchor what is changing) · trend statement + thesis question (What are the reasons behind this trend?) · three causal paragraphs (each with an explicit transition: First and foremost… Another reason attributing to this popularity… An often neglected reason…) · closing name-roll + recommendation. The middle paragraph (about new cultural elements and globalisation) extends the third cause into the ‘diversifying’ argument, which is the structural feature M2 and D3 likely rewarded. The article reads like a Sunday-magazine feature on entertainment-industry trends, not a school essay.
The standout move (1): the iconic-Western-star opening (lines 1–2). “Michael Jackson, Air Supply, Madonna…” Three names — one African-American pop superstar, one soft-rock duo, one female pop icon — chosen across genres and across the 1980s. The opening is a list of what was, designed to set up the but no longer claim. Three iconic names in the opening is a magazine-feature opening pattern that most candidates don’t reach for; the candidate has read enough Western popular-culture writing to know the convention.
The standout move (2): the Psy / Gangnam Style timestamp (lines 16–20). “An apparent example would be the Korean, Psy, who gained fame overnight. His ‘Gangnam Style’ was uploaded to Youtube, and countless viewers watched his dance.” The piece was written in May 2013; Gangnam Style was uploaded in July 2012 and crossed one billion YouTube views in December 2012. The candidate is writing in real time about the largest popular-culture event of the previous twelve months. The example is the perfect anchor for the YouTube-as-cause paragraph; it dates the article precisely and demonstrates the candidate’s claim with the most recent possible evidence.
The standout move (3): the explicit anti-zero-sum framing (lines 44–47). “I am not saying Western culture is not as good as Asian one. Instead, Western culture is integrating good points of Asian cultures into its own.” The candidate has anticipated the obvious mis-reading of the article (‘Asian culture is replacing Western culture’) and explicitly disowned it. For a 16-year-old Hong Kong candidate writing about cultural exchange in 2013, this is unusually careful framing — the kind of move that lifts a competent feature article into the band where the marker reads it as having a thesis worth defending.
The standout move (4): the closing name-roll callback (lines 59–61). “Andy Lau, Jay Chou, Wonder Girls, Jackie Chan… Perhaps these are the names a Westerner will give you when asked about his idols.” The article opened with three Western stars (Michael Jackson, Air Supply, Madonna); it closes with four Asian stars (Andy Lau, Jay Chou, Wonder Girls, Jackie Chan). The mirroring is exact — opening Western roll-call ↔ closing Asian roll-call — and it dramatises the article’s trend claim more efficiently than any sentence could. This is a structural callback at the very top of the genre.
Strengths to praise
1. The three-cause architecture is signposted in every paragraph
Each causal paragraph opens with an explicit transition that names its role: First and foremost come Youtube… (l.9) · Another reason contributing to this popularity… (l.23) · An often neglected reason… (l.51). M2 and D3 both rewarded the architecture — the script is at 5** ceiling on Organisation even where the lexical-grammatical band is upper 5*.
2. The opening / closing roll-call mirror is the article’s strongest device
The piece opens with three iconic 1980s Western stars (l.1: Michael Jackson, Air Supply, Madonna) used to anchor ‘what was’. It closes with four 2010s Asian stars (l.59: Andy Lau, Jay Chou, Wonder Girls, Jackie Chan) used to anchor ‘what is’. The mirroring is exact and the candidate doesn’t flag it — the reader notices the parallelism on second reading.
3. The Psy / Gangnam Style example is perfectly contemporary
Lines 16–20 anchor the YouTube-cause paragraph in the freshest possible exemplar: a clip uploaded ten months before the exam that had crossed one billion views five months before. The candidate has chosen the example that the marker, also reading in May 2013, will recognise as the obvious case — currency that lifts the evidence layer from generic to specific.
4. The article anticipates and disowns its likely misreading
Lines 44–47: I am not saying Western culture is not as good as Asian one. Instead, Western culture is integrating good points of Asian cultures into its own. The candidate names the lazy zero-sum reading and replaces it on the page with the cultural-integration claim — a thesis move at university register for a 16-year-old.
5. The post-WW2 diaspora argument carries cause 2 with one concrete handle
Lines 25–28: After World War II, millions of Asian citizens migrated to the Western countries due to better social welfare and job opportunities. This can be seen in the many Chinatowns in Western countries. One period + two motivations + one observable trace — the kind of cause-building that makes the paragraph feel sourced rather than asserted.
6. The closing recommendation lands the article on a forward-looking action
Lines 62–64: Asian stars will continue to flourish in the Western world. Next time you attend a concert of an Asian star, be prepared to communicate with other fans in English! The article ends on a recommendation the reader can act on, and the ‘bring your English’ sign-off is a Learning-English-through-Popular-Culture brief callback — the elective rubric is touched at the close.
Grammar — small corrections
| Line | Original | Suggested | Note |
|---|---|---|---|
| l.2 | What do these names appear to you? | What do these names mean to you? / What do these names suggest to you? | Verb choice. Appear in this slot reads as ‘come into view’, not ‘mean’. The candidate is asking the reader to recognise the names; the standard verbs are mean / suggest / sound like. |
| l.3 | Western stars used to gain a definite edge over Asian stars | Western stars used to have a definite edge over Asian stars | Verb choice. Gain an edge describes the moment of acquiring the advantage; have an edge describes the state of holding it (the candidate’s intended meaning). |
| l.4 | gone were the days | those days are gone / gone are the days when… | Two small fixes. (i) The fixed inversion is gone are the days (present tense). (ii) The idiom takes a relative clause: gone are the days when Western stars dominated. Without it the sentence is a fragment. |
| l.14 | uploaded to the virtual world at ease | uploaded to the virtual world with ease | Preposition. The manner-of-action idiom is with ease (= easily); at ease (= relaxed) is the wrong half of the collocation pair. |
| l.18 | gained fame over night | gained fame overnight | Spelling. Overnight as a single word in the ‘in a single night / suddenly’ sense. |
| l.20–21 | depicting that influence of the video sharing sites cannot be overlooked | showing that the influence of video-sharing sites cannot be overlooked | (i) Depicting means showing visually; for a clause-complement claim the standard verb is showing / demonstrating. (ii) The definite article is missing before influence. |
| l.23 | Another reason attributing to this popularity | Another reason contributing to this popularity / Another factor behind this popularity | Verb choice. Attribute is typically transitive (we attribute X to Y); for the ‘contributing-cause’ meaning the standard verb is contribute (intransitive + to). |
| l.25 | After the World War II | After World War II / After the Second World War | Article. World War II as a proper noun takes no definite article; the Second World War does. The candidate has crossed the two conventions. |
| l.28 | This can be seen from multitudes of China Town in Western countries | This can be seen in the many Chinatowns in Western cities | Three small fixes. (i) Chinatown is one word. (ii) Multitudes of reads stilted; the many is smoother. (iii) Preposition: seen in, not seen from. |
| l.29–30 | This large number of migrants pave the success road of Asian stars | This large body of migrants paved the way for the success of Asian stars | Three small fixes. (i) Subject-verb agreement: this large number is singular, so paves / paved. (ii) The success road of is non-standard; the fixed idiom is pave the way for. (iii) Tense: the migration is past, so paved. |
| l.34 | started to seep into minds of Westerners | started to seep into the minds of Westerners | Article. Native English requires the before minds when the speaker means a specific set of minds. |
| l.37 | New element of Asian culture is also a contributing factor | The new elements of Asian culture are also a contributing factor | Article / number. The candidate has dropped both the article and the plural marker. Either route works; without one of them the noun phrase reads ungrammatical. |
| l.45 | not as good as Asian one | not as good as the Asian one / not as good as Asian culture | Article. Asian one standalone needs either the noun repeated or the article restored. |
| l.49 | the entertaining industry | the entertainment industry | Adjective form. Entertaining means amusing (an entertaining match); the industry-name compound takes the noun form entertainment. |
| l.52 | the special traits that Asian stars own | the special traits that Asian stars possess / have | Verb choice. Own takes concrete property; possess / have takes attributes. The candidate’s deployment reads slightly Cantonese-English. |
| l.56–57 | These characteristics are loved by the Westerners, and leads to the popularity of Asian stars | These characteristics are loved by Westerners and lead to the popularity of Asian stars | (i) Subject-verb agreement: the subject of leads is these characteristics (plural), so lead. (ii) Article: Westerners as a generic group does not take the. |
| l.60 | Perhaps these are the names when a Westerner tells you his idol | Perhaps these are the names a Westerner will give you when asked about his idols | Sentence-shape. The original reads compressed: the names when X tells you Y. A native rewrite spells out the asking-and-answering relationship. |
| l.61 | Needless to doubt | Needless to say / There is no doubt that | Idiom. The fixed phrase is needless to say; needless to doubt is the candidate’s coinage. For the candidate’s meaning, needless to say or there is no doubt that. |
| l.64 | communicate with other audiences using English! | communicate with the other fans there in English! | (i) Audiences is the collective noun for those watching a performance; for the people around you at a concert, fans / concert-goers is the cleaner native. (ii) Using English works but the cleaner native is in English. |
Style suggestions
Categories:
Fluency = smoother sentence rhythm |
Authenticity = how a native speaker would actually write it |
Text-type fit = right for the genre (a feature article on a popular-culture trend, three causal claims with named examples) |
line refs link each suggestion back to specific lines in the transcript above.
Suggestion 1 · the opening hook could ask the right verb
Authenticity
lines 1–2
Original: “Michael Jackson, Air Supply, Madonna… What do these names appear to you?”
Try: “Michael Jackson, Air Supply, Madonna. What do these names mean to you? For most of us, they were the soundtrack of the 1980s — the era when Western stars had a definite edge over their Asian counterparts.”
The opening list of three names is the article’s strongest single device, but the verb appear is the wrong half of the ‘ask the reader to recognise’ idiom (mean / sound like / bring to mind). Swapping the verb costs the candidate nothing and lifts the opening from non-standard to native.
Suggestion 2 · ‘gone were the days’ needs a finishing clause
Fluency
line 4
Original: “Nevertheless, gone were the days.”
Try: “Those days, however, are gone. Stepping into the 2010s, Asian stars — singers and movie stars alike — are gaining ground in Western markets.”
The candidate’s gone were the days is a fragment (the idiom takes a relative clause: gone are the days when…) and the tense is wrong (the inversion is fixed in the present: gone are the days). A small recast preserves the rhetorical move but lands the grammar.
Suggestion 3 · the subject-verb agreement slips cluster around plural-collective nouns
Fluency
lines 29–30, 56–57
Original: “This large number of migrants pave the success road…” / “These characteristics are loved by the Westerners, and leads to the popularity…”
Try: “This large body of migrants paved the way for the success of Asian stars…” / “These characteristics are loved by Westerners and lead to the popularity of Asian stars.”
Two agreement errors in different directions: this large number… pave (singular subject, plural verb) and these characteristics… leads (plural subject, singular verb). Either kind of slip drops a script by half a band on the Language scale at this level — small, fixable, and worth catching on the next draft.
Suggestion 4 · the ‘contributing factor’ paragraph could merge with cause 2 or be lifted to its own number
Text-type fit
lines 23–49
Original: cause 2 (Asian diaspora pulling stars in, lines 23–35) and the next paragraph (new cultural elements / globalisation diversifying Western culture, lines 37–49) both deal with the cultural-supply argument. The signposting (Another reason… New element…) reads as if they were one cause split in two.
Try: either merge them under cause 2 (Another reason is the great number of Asian citizens in Western countries, combined with the new cultural elements they bring with them…) or signpost the second as cause 3 explicitly (The third reason, often overlooked, is that…) and rename the current cause 3 as cause 4.
The current structure has four substantive blocks (YouTube / diaspora / new-elements / special-traits) but only three explicit transitions. The reader is briefly uncertain whether the new-elements paragraph is a separate cause or an extension of the diaspora cause. Either fix would make the architecture as visible as the rest of the piece.
Suggestion 5 · the ‘special traits’ paragraph is the shortest and could carry one more concrete example
Text-type fit
lines 51–57
Original: “Japanese and Korean stars are viewed as the trendsetters, as their clothes and appearance are trendy and creative. On the other hand, Hong Kong movie stars are praised for their excellent acting skills.”
Try: name one trend or one film. “Japanese street fashion and Korean K-pop styling — oversized blazers, asymmetric haircuts — have been adopted by Western trend-setters from Brooklyn to Berlin. Hong Kong actors, meanwhile, have been praised for their excellent fight-and-emotion craft: Jackie Chan’s stunt work, Tony Leung’s in In the Mood for Love.”
The fifth paragraph is the article’s shortest and its claims are the most abstract. The other paragraphs have at least one concrete handle (Psy, Chinatowns, Korean dancing). One concrete fashion item or one named Hong Kong film/actor would have lifted the paragraph to the same evidentiary standard as cause 1 and cause 2.
Suggestion 6 · the closing recommendation could make the English-elective callback even more explicit
Text-type fit
lines 62–64
Original: “Next time you attend a concert of an Asian star, be prepared to communicate with other audiences using English!”
Try: “Next time you queue at a BIGBANG concert in Hong Kong or a Jay Chou show in Los Angeles, look around — the fan beside you is as likely to be Australian as Korean. Bring your English. You’ll need it.”
The closing line is the article’s sign-off and is already a Learning-English-through-Popular-Culture callback (the elective is about English as the lingua franca of global pop culture). One specific venue + one named act would make the call to action vivid rather than generic.
Professional rewrite — the ‘special traits’ paragraph
Professional rewrite — cause 3 (special traits of Asian stars), lines 51–57
For comparison only, not a correction. The fifth paragraph is the article’s structural weak point: it is the shortest, its claims are the most abstract (trendy and creative clothes, excellent acting skills), and it is the only causal paragraph in the piece without a named example. The student’s version works (M2 and D3 both rewarded the overall article) but if any single paragraph is keeping the script out of 5**, this is the one. The rewrite preserves the structure (Japanese / Korean as trendsetters · Hong Kong actors as craft · the ‘loved by Westerners’ close) and concretises each beat.
The candidate’s paragraph (lightly corrected)
An often neglected reason is the special traits that Asian stars possess. Japanese and Korean stars are viewed as the trendsetters, as their clothes and appearance are trendy and creative. On the other hand, Hong Kong movie stars are praised for their excellent acting skills. These characteristics are loved by Westerners and lead to the popularity of Asian stars.
Rewritten by a professional feature-writer
And there is one more reason, often overlooked: the distinctive craft that Asian stars bring with them. Japanese and Korean acts have become trendsetters in their own right — the oversized silhouettes and asymmetric haircuts you now see on Brooklyn high streets were on a Seoul music video first. Hong Kong actors trade in something different again: the fight-and-emotion craft of Jackie Chan’s stunt work and Tony Leung’s screen presence. These are not generic export goods; they are signatures. And Western audiences have learned to ask for them by name.
What the rewrite is doing differently:
- One named fashion item replaces ‘trendy and creative’. Oversized silhouettes and asymmetric haircuts… on Brooklyn high streets… on a Seoul music video first — a specific look + a specific Western location + the direction of travel. The abstract claim becomes a concrete observation a reader can verify.
- Two named Hong Kong figures replace ‘excellent acting skills’. Jackie Chan’s stunt work, Tony Leung’s screen presence. Naming the actor and the craft together turns a generic compliment into evidence the rest of the article can stand on.
- The principle is stated as one short sentence. These are not generic export goods; they are signatures. In a magazine feature, this is the sentence the sub-editor pulls into a callout box.
- The verdict line names the demand-side. And Western audiences have learned to ask for them by name — the rewrite closes on what Western audiences are doing (asking by name), not what the traits are (loved). The action-verb landing point is the magazine-feature convention.
- The transition is upgraded. An often neglected reason is a fine essay-architecture marker but reads slightly textbook; And there is one more reason, often overlooked reads as a magazine-feature transition between argument and final claim.
Vocabulary the piece showcases
| Word / phrase | Used? | Definition | Usage notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| a definite edge over | used (l.3) | (n. phrase) a clear advantage over. | Pairs with have, give, hold, gain: Western stars used to gain a definite edge over Asian stars. Standard sports-/business-register collocation; the candidate’s opening lifts the trend statement above the conversational. |
| stepping into (the 2010s) | used (l.4) | (v. phrase) entering a new period. | Pairs with era, decade, century, age. Slightly literary register; functions as a time-marker that opens a new claim. |
| out of reach (from) | used (l.11) | (adj. phrase) inaccessible. | Pairs with be, put, place, lie: Asian music and movies were out of reach from Western countries. Standard fixed phrase; the candidate’s preposition from is a small variant — out of reach for Westerners would be the cleaner native. |
| backward (technology) | used (l.12) | (adj.) less advanced than is now usual. | Pairs with technology, country, system, education. Slightly dated register (the modern term is underdeveloped / primitive); standard in 2013-era writing about pre-internet limitations. |
| gain fame overnight | used (l.17–18) | (idiom) to become famous very quickly. | The fixed adverb is overnight (one word). Standard celebrity-journalism register; the candidate’s deployment on Psy is the perfect 2013 exemplar. |
| attribute to | used (l.23) | (v.) to regard X as caused by Y. | Pairs with attribute X to Y, attributed to, attributable to. The candidate uses the present participle (attributing) where the more standard form is contributing (intransitive). Worth knowing both: X is attributed to Y (passive; cause) vs. Y contributes to X (active; cause). |
| migrate to | used (l.26) | (v.) to move from one country or region to another. | Pairs with migrate to, from, between. Standard demographic register; the verb is the right choice for the post-WW2 movement claim. |
| seep into (the minds of) | used (l.34) | (v.) to spread or penetrate gradually. | Pairs with water, ideas, culture, influence. Metaphorical-register verb; the candidate’s use is the literary native, missing only the definite article (seep into the minds of Westerners). |
| trendsetters | used (l.53) | (n., plural) people who lead the way in a new fashion or trend. | Pairs with fashion, style, industry, viewed as. Popular-culture register; the candidate’s deployment is the conventional native. |
| diversifying (cultures) | used (l.42) | (v.) to make or become more varied. | Pairs with portfolio, economy, range, audience. Business-register verb extended to culture; lifts the globalisation claim above the conversational. |
| integrate (into) | used (l.45–47) | (v.) to combine (one thing) with another so that they become a whole. | Pairs with community, system, curriculum, into: Western culture is integrating good points of Asian cultures into its own. The candidate’s anti-zero-sum claim depends on the verb being right; integrate is the standard cultural-exchange verb. |
| flourish (in) | used (l.62) | (v.) to grow or develop in a healthy or vigorous way. | Pairs with flourish in, business, culture, art, talent: Asian stars will continue to flourish in the Western world. Standard cultural-/business-register verb. |
| an apparent example | used (l.16–17) | (n. phrase) a clear-and-obvious instance. | Pairs with be, take, give, would be: An apparent example would be the Korean, Psy. Standard essay-register; the candidate uses it to bridge from claim to evidence cleanly. |
| an often neglected reason | used (l.51) | (n. phrase) a cause that is frequently overlooked. | Pairs with often, frequently, sometimes, overlooked, neglected. Essay-architecture marker; signals to the marker that the candidate is naming an extra cause beyond the obvious two. |
| be it (X, Y, or Z) | used (l.33–34) | (conj. construction) whether it is X, Y, or Z (the formal alternative to ‘whether’). | Pairs with subjunctive-flavoured listing: Asian culture, be it Chinese, Japanese, Korean or Hong Kong, started to seep into minds of Westerners. Higher-register conjunction; one of the most sophisticated single grammatical moves in the article. |
| First and foremost / Another reason / An often neglected reason | used (l.9, 23, 51) | (transitional phrases) discourse markers that signpost a sequence of causes. | The candidate uses all three transitions in the right slots, with the right tone of formality, and with the right diminishing-prominence order (most obvious cause → subsequent cause → under-recognised cause). This is the architectural signposting that makes the article’s plan visible to the marker. |
| Needless to say | see note (l.61) | (idiom) it goes without saying. | The candidate writes Needless to doubt, which is a coinage. The fixed idiom is needless to say. Worth memorising both forms: needless to say… and there is no doubt that… (the candidate’s intended sense). |
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